Why do people go to the gym?
That’s right, to have an awesome body!
Now, do you go to the gym? Or maybe you don’t, but you know someone who does?
Because you have two functioning eyes (if you don’t, here’s to you and the rest of your one-eyed pirate brethren being kind enough to accept my sincere apologies for making such a silly assumption), I’m sure you’ve made the observation that a lot of the people you either see at the gym or know work out don’t exactly have bodies to go home and scream about.
Week after week, month after month, year after year, these people look the same despite their gymming it.
Zip. Zilch. Zero results.
Absolutely no awesome bodies to show for their efforts.
Shit, I might be talking about you (if you’re feeling a slight uneasiness, that’s the cognitive dissonance kicking in)!
Well, my poor, oblivious friend, it no longer has to be this way.
Don’t be silly, silly goose!
You’re at MonsterLonge.com, the home of…
Gee, I don’t know…someone named Monster Longe, I think.
Who exactly is this Monster Longe guy or gal? Why, said person is of taller than average height, has a Y chromosome, is nerdier than looks portray, and
always occasionally speaks in the third person. That’s pretty much it.
he’s I’m also jacked to death.
I blame age. How else could I possibly have forgotten that little nugget?! I mean, how could it just slip my mind that I have the type of body that stands out like Floyd Mayweather at an Oprah Book Club meeting.
Anyhoo, I’m sick of people
I generally don’t give a fuck about what other people do because, hey, it’s their life. Screw it up however you want. Please, be my guest (see, I was raised with manners…contrary to the vicious rumors)!
Free will, freedom of choice, autonomy, liberty, however you want to frame it, is what makes life grand. We’re all rational agents who should be able to pursue happiness as we, not others, define it. Because I’m a smarty-pants who can pull the likes of Kant, J.S. Mill and any of the Dworkins out of my ass to intellectualize the simple act of not giving a fuck, I live and let live. What you do is none of my business, so long as it doesn’t harm me. That’s my code. My mantra. How I see the world and operate in it.
With that said, however, all of that shit flies out the window when it comes to people saying why bother with fitness on account of their viewing it as if it were rocket science or some indecipherable ancient mystery. It’s then that Mr. I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck (that’s me, by the way) suddenly happens to give quite a few.
You have to understand that I LOVE working out. Like, if working out were a fly girl with a squat booty and petite rack, I’d totally put a ring on it…and then adopt five kids to start a family with her because I’d love her so much that I wouldn’t want to fuck up her figure. Carrying a child can be damaging to the female body, so if that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is!
What can explain a love so deep? A love that transcends all space and time?
Well, although I came out the womb cock diesel (see what I did there?), let’s imagine for shits and giggles that I was once a string bean who became the dude everybody now calls “Monster”. If that just so happened to be the case that I didn’t spring from my mother’s loins as a beast of a man (ouchie!), it wouldn’t be so hard to see why I would have warm fuzzies about working out.
Like really, I have serious feels for this shit!!!
I want people to have as intimate a relationship with physical culture as I do. I want people to know how it feels to walk down the street or into a room and absolutely own it because you deviate from the norm. I want people to know how it feels to be the center of attention because you not only look aesthetically pleasing but exude a level of confidence from knowing you’re the shit, that you’re actually one of the select few humans on earth who looks like and is as strong as the superheroes we grew up wanting to be.
That’s one of the reasons why I’m the owner/operator of a San Diego personal training service called the Body Reconstruction Exterior Renovation Company (no need to tell me, the name’s a little redundant). The other reason? Shiiiiiittttt, don’t be naïve!!!!!
<Method Man voice>Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M., Get the money; dollar, dollar bill, y’all</Method Man voice>
The purpose of this blog is to act as an extension of what I do, which is helping people fall in love.*
*Hmmmm…I never thought of myself as a matchmaker but when stated the way I put it, I guess I sorta am!
Moving right along…
The secret to having an awesome body is to do awesome things, the stuff that epic poems are made of. Yes, you’re right. That like totally excludes all the basic shit you’re currently doing.
This blog will be the source of tips, tricks, hacks, guides and other info to help you stop your basicness. And before you know it, voila! You’ll be the manifestation of awesome in physical form, with your body slightly as jacked to death as mine. Why “slightly”? Because there will be none of that student surpassing the master shit under my watch, dammit!
If I do say so myself, it’s mighty generous of me to give you for FREE what I charge people major coin for, which is my expansive knowledge concerning all things fitness.
But you get it here for FREE.
Before you go remarking how charitable I am and then nominating me for humanitarian of the year awards or even naming your first, second, third born after me, the valuable info that I’ve gathered from close to twenty years of experience isn’t exactly FREE. Honestly, what kind of fool do you take me for to just hand out to you advice that’s helped countless people have awesome bodies regardless if their goal has been the beach, mirror, competitive stage or backing that ass up on a random stranger on a Friday night?!
No, no, no!
There’s no such thing as a free meal, folks. So here’s the rub. In exchange for making people such as you hot as fuck, the idea is for you to breed with each other and then spit out muscle-bodied babies who’ll someday grow up to help with my dastardly plans to take over the world.
I think it’s only fair. After all, I am going to make you fucking awesome, which by the looks of you is going to require all the powers of my wizardry (I’m also going to do other things for you too, but go HERE to find out).
So read, comment, ask me questions. Put the cheese curls down. Get up and take your ass to the gym. Start doing the things necessary for an awesome body. Stop wishing for it.
But in all seriousness, let’s build up my fucking army!