All About The Bennies: Why Weight Training Is Life

The benefits of weight training? Why is

Mad at your parents for the crappy genes they cursed you with?

Those pencil-thin arms?

That backside that’s flatter than a bombed joke — or, basically, Carlos Mencia’s standup career?

By placing your muscles under stress and causing them to grow in response, weight training allows you to enhance the body shape and appearance that you curse your parents for cursing you with.

But that’s not all, folks!

How about the lard that you’re carrying that has nothing to do with your poor food choices and everything to do with your inferior genetics?

The building of new muscle — primarily type II muscle fibers — with resistance exercise increases lean muscle mass. As we know, muscle is the body’s natural fat-burner. So the increased muscle mass means a boost in metabolism by as much as 15 percent, which translates to your body becoming a fat incinerating blowtorch as it burns more total calories in normal daily activity.

Looking better is why you want to weight train, whether you’re too caught up in your own bullshit or not to admit it.

Now, as much as I kid about you only being interested in this weight training shit for the shallowest of reasons (I’m not kidding, though), there are many benefits to it that extend well beyond just looking good so you can stop having to rely so much on your personality (how you got this far with it is a wonder to me, too!).

I. Are We Boning Or What?

As you age, muscle mass and bone density decrease, with the loss of bone mass more pronounced in women than men because of the hormonal changes in menopause. Contributing to the disparity in osteoporosis rates is that women more often than men shy away from weight-bearing exercises. And because women also have less muscle mass than men, their not lifting heavy shit in their youth also means that muscle loss hits them the hardest.

Putting it together, muscle weakness as you age raises your chances of falling and brittle bones places you at greater risk of fracture.

Seeing how falls are the leading cause of mortality in people older than 65, falling down as an older adult is a death sentence.

The secret to improving balance and coordination and reducing the risk of bone fractures?

Weight training!

Weight training not only stresses the muscles and makes them grow and become stronger but also stresses the bones and results in the depositing of more bone material, helping to strengthen them.

Sure, telling you this is fucking up my investment in Joseph Enterprises, Inc, the manufacturer of “The Clapper”, but no need to worry about me living in poverty since there are plenty of future old people to make a profit off of because of their refusal to heed these words!

II. Stop Living In Syn’

Metabolic syndrome refers to the possession of at least three of the five risk factors that raise your chances of such medical problems like diabetes and heart disease. These conditions include abdominal obesity, high blood pressure, elevated blood sugar, low HDL cholesterol and high triglycerides.

How does resistance training affect metabolic syndrome?

Ummmmm…through the improvement of insulin sensitivity, reducing the risk of diabetes.


As was stated earlier, resistance exercise promotes the growth of type II muscle fibers, or white muscle. You not figuring out how that affects blood sugar beats the hell outta me!

Ya see, slow-twitch type I muscle fibers, or red muscle, use oxygenated blood to generate energy. On the other hand, fast-twitch white muscle, which is metabolically expensive to maintain, uses glucose to meet its power needs. As such, the more white muscle you have the lower your blood glucose levels.

Additionally, the short bursts of activity that comprise weight training rely on the use of white muscle, which triggers the release of fat-burning hormones that have the cascading effect of lowering fat mass by not only prompting the body to tap into its fat stores during the workout but well after.

Cardio doesn’t do that (well, except for this type)!

As for the ticker, aerobic activity is often thought of as the sine qua non of heart health.

It turns out that weight lifting should have a more prominent place in that equation.

Blood flow has been found to increase more with resistance training than cardiovascular exercise, with the heightened circulation lasting for as long as 24 hours after a weight training bout in those who exercise regularly.

We’re not done!

Studies show that when compared to cardio, weight-bearing exercise decreases blood pressure by as much as 20 percent more.

Maybe it’s just me, but better blood flow and lower blood pressure sounds like yet another reason why weights shit all over cardio.

The other reason?

Ummmmm, weightlifting shits all over cardio for fat loss (you woulda known that if you clicked this link when I told you to!).

So if I were looking to improve both my health and my outer shell, even though it’s ALL ABOUT the outer shell, I’d spend my time lifting heavy shit.

But maybe that’s just me!

III. What’s The Matter?

Doing physically challenging stuff has an enhancing effect on the brain’s executive functions, or self-regulation. Basically, pushing your body to continue when the mind is Roberto Duraning it and screaming “¡No mas!” helps you to better handle high-intensity situations in life with a shit-eating grin on your face. In other words, you become comfortable being uncomfortable because you know the discomfort will eventually pay off.

The development of mental strength goes for physical activity all across the board, whether it be cycling, swimming, running, what have you.

But weight training does something that other activites can’t or don’t do to as great of a degree.

Much like we lose muscle mass and bone density as we grow older, the human brain loses white matter too. Besides the loss of anything white being a national tragedy, what’s troublesome about losing white matter is that it’s responsible for connecting the grey area parts of the brain to each other and passing information between them.

You know, information about muscle control, speech, hearing, seeing, memory, and utterly useless emotions. It’s the loss of this white matter that makes the elderly not as sharp as they once were, if the elderly person was ever anything other than a mental midget.*

*Oops, I meant mental “little person”!

Don’t want to suffer cognitive impairment and dementia?

Then what you should do is read a book? Do a crossword puzzle?

How about you just STFU!!!

And after you STFU, you better pick up a fucking barbell, a heavy one at that!

See, weight training combats cognitive aging in two ways.

Brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) is a protein whose levels in the brain are increased with high-intensity exercise, with resistance training found to elevate it more than other activities. The big deal about BDNF? Oh, nothing! That BDNF maintains neurons and synapses, in addition to creating new ones, certainly doesn’t make it a big deal!


Additionally, one of the hormones produced in response to weight training is insulin-like growth factor (IGF-1). Commonly cared about only for its muscle-building properties, IGF-1 too plays a role in neuroplasticity, with it stimulating new cell growth in the brain and warding off Alzheimer’s.

Weight training won’t make you a genius, but it’ll prevent your mental faculties from failing you and turning you into even more of an embarrassment than you already are.

IV. Happy Ending

Do you care about that happiness crap?

Like, do you want to be happy?

However, you kinda don’t want to snort coke, bang heroin, or smoke meth to do it?

Neither do you want to quit your dead-end job and chase your dream, leave the crummy relationship you’re in for a new one, or buck up and tell your parents to get off your fucking back (sure, you’re in your 30s and live in their basement, but you’re a grown-ass wo/man, DAMMIT!!!)?

Maybe you’re a guy or gal who’s tired of going to massage parlors and purchasing the “Happy Ending” package to elevate your mood?

Well, I’m happy to tell you that you don’t have to do any of that shit!

Just pick up a barbell.

Yes, science suggests that high-intensity anaerobic exercise — what weightlifting is — is the only form of activity that stresses the body enough to encourage the release of endorphins, hormones that ease the discomfort by making you feel on top of the world.

So feeling down in the dumps and need to do something to make life more tolerable?

Face your problems head-on and reach a resolution?!?!


No, motherfucker!

Go to the gym!

V. Making Yourself Look Good

As we see, the benefits of weight training aren’t only limited to the somewhat impossible task of making you look good.


Weightlifting with heavy weight will keep you alive longer and improve the quality of your life while you’re stuck above ground.

With that said, now you have a couple of lies you can tell people when they ask you what you’re working out for.

You know, so you don’t come off as the shallow piece of shit that you really are!

What are you lifting weights for? It’s more than likely for some vain reason, but prove me wrong! Go ahead, do it!!!*
*If you do prove me wrong, it’s only because you’re trying to be a contrarian on purpose so I look bad in addition to you not looking as bad as you actually look! So there!!!

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