How To Find Out What Body Type You Are

Why should you learn how to find out what body type you are?

Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but some people have broad or slender shoulders, long or small torsos, wide or narrow hips, long or stubby legs. Some are tall or short. Some carry more or less fat and/or muscle.

Because we’re all different, doesn’t it make sense that we should all eat and work out differently?

That’s why you should know your body type, which upon learning you can tailor your training and nutrition to. So yeah, you should probably keep reading to learn which of the three somatotype categories you fall in.

I mean, but that’s only if you want to finally start seeing results!

…but hey, if you want to waste your time going to the gym and eat boring food for the hell of it, that’s your prerogative. I won’t blame you for not reading any further!

Choose your own adventure, baby!!!¹Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books as a kid? Yeah, the books that served as the conceptual framework for Bandersnatch, much to the detriment of everything else in the movie! Well, think of this article like that because you now have the choice of what you want to do next! Stop reading here or continue along?! Hmmm…

 

ECTOMORPH

The male ectomorph is the classic “hardgainer”.

You know him better as the skinny guy who’s always yapping about how he can’t seem to put on size.

Yeah, he can’t put on any size no matter how much he eats, even though he’s fooling himself and isn’t eating as much as he thinks he is.

But that’s a separate topic for a colorful rant.

As for the female version, she has a ruler body shape and is the prototypical “skinny bitch” women give dirty looks to and whisper about under their breath.

But wait, don’t women give dirty looks to and whisper under their breath about ALL women?

Hmmmmmm…

Moving right along, the female ectomorph is the woman who other women hate because she can eat disturbing quantities of the most disgusting junk food…and…not…gain…even…a…single…pound…of…weight…all without even doing a second of exercise!

Fuck, I think I hate her too!!!

MESOMORPH

The male mesomorph is the hunk of beefcake who kicked sand in the face of Charles Atlas’s 97-pound weakling.

Average Joes hate him and wish they were him because of his V-taper.²i.e. wide shoulders, lats that flare out like a cobra, and slim midsection.

Oh yeah, they’re also envious of the fact that he began packing muscle onto his frame the very first moment he walked through the doors of a gym — fuck actually picking up a weight!!! All he had to do was step foot inside a weight room, and ta-da!

The female mesomorph has an apple, pear or, most usually, an hourglass figure. Like an ectomorph, she can eat whatever she wants — however, as a mesomorph, she can use those excess calories to build muscle, which comes easily to her.

But, alas, there’s always a curse associated with every gift.

In the case of mesomorphs, they can gain fat easier than their ectomorph counterparts. As such, the female mesomorph is prone to fluctuate in weight. What’s to her advantage is that she can lose those excess pounds and get into shape with almost no work. If that weren’t enough to hate her, she can also remain lean and fit with relative ease were she inclined to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

ENDOMORPH

The endomorph male is typified by the likes of Chris Farley, John Goodman, and Danny DeVito.

Or, more close to home, he’s the kid who usually served as the class clown in grade school.

You see him now in your memories, don’t ya?

He’s short, has a circular face, and his belly looks like he’s in the third trimester of a twin pregnancy. And to more easily blend in with everybody and overcome his lack of athleticism and physical appeal, he would crack jokes. Maybe beatbox. Do some other stupid human trick.

But despite his court jester routine, no one magically forgot that he was fat. And when someone did make fun of him because of his weight (and someone always would), he’d respond by saying without fail that he was just husky, NOT FAT!!!

Remember him?

Yeah, that’s the male endomorph.

An endomorph of the opposite sex has a circular body shape, with the concentration of her fat in her abdominal area, like her male counterpart. If not, she has a pear shaped body, meaning that most of her weight settles in her buttocks, hips, and thighs.

The similarities don’t end there, folks!

Much like the male endomorph who’s told that he’s fat, the female endomorph also often says otherwise.

You know her as the gal who blames her weight on her simply being “big boned” — never on her food choices or lack of exercise.

 

 

There you have it.

Now you know how to find out what body type you are.

Which one of them are you?

Sure, I can tell just by looking at you because I have eyes, but tell me nonetheless so I can act surprised.

Ooooooooooh, really?

You’re a/n [insert somatotype]?!?!

Fuck, I never woulda guessed because I don’t have fucking eyes!

Now with that mystery solved of your body type, I bet you’re itching to learn how to eat and train specific to it.

Right?

Right!

Well, what you do is simply shove your body type down the toilet and hate me for wasting your time because worrying about your body type is stupid!!!³Yes, facepalm yourself hard for continuing to read past the introduction when you had the chance not to! I said hard, so facepalm yourself HARDER, dammit!!!

 

 

See, worrying about your body type is stupid because there’s no evidence that a person’s somatotype predisposes them to major hormonal and sympathetic nervous system traits that relate to metabolic differences and how they turn body fat into energy or protein into muscle, thus necessitating a training and nutrition plan specific to their genetic body type.

That’s not much of a surprise when you consider that W.H. Sheldon, a psychologist —⁣⁣ NOT a geneticist —⁣⁣ came up with the classification system in an attempt to base a subject’s personality on their physical appearance.

Yup, somatotypes had nothing to do with physical improvement.

And yup, Sheldon’s “constitutional psychology” is quackery of the finest order.

But wait, if the psych world this theory originated from has discredited it, then how did it find its way into the fitness world, where it still persists?

Well, I’ll answer that with a question and ask you since when have bodybuilders ever been confused with being the brightest bulbs in the room?!

Yeah, I know, fucking touché!

 

 

So if it isn’t your body structure that’s stopping you from seeing results, then what is? Damn, that’s a real doozy of a question that I can’t even begin to offer an explanation for!

I dunno, but if I had to place a guess on it, you staying skinny and not putting on muscle probably has to do with you not eating enough and hardly pushing yourself in the gym. As for you staying fat and not losing weight? Hmmm…that probably has to do with you eating too much and barely exercising.

Admittedly, those are pretty stupid reasons, so, fuck, it just might be your body type!

Glossary: bodybuilder, calories, ectomorph, endomorph, exercise, fitness, gym, lats, muscle, nutrition, results, weight room, work out

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