Legging It Out: The Low Down On Lower Body Training

Working out the legs has many benefits that you should find out about. Benefits? Yup, I'm not shitting you. Honest!

It breaks whatever’s left of my wee wittle heart that people don’t love leg day to the moon and back.

I’m truly saddened by our living in a world where there are people who don’t love leg day enough to call it “bae” and other idiotic pet names; that don’t love leg day enough to write love letters to it; or that don’t love leg day enough to have put a ring on it yet.

I mean, how can you not love leg day with every fiber of your being?

Speaking of fibers, when other than leg day can you feel every muscle fiber begging and pleading for you to stop? But unless you’re a pussy, you don’t. Instead, you keep challenging your testicular fortitude (or, because I’m not a sexist jerk, ovarian stick-to-itiveness).

Oh leg day, how I adore thee!!!

…but I’m the exception, not the norm.

Go to virtually any gym and what do you see?

Nothing but leg day skipping gym brahs with light bulb physiques.

Light bulb physiques?

Yeah, they’re big up top and have nothing on the bottom.

Light bulb physiques!

What gives?

Well, you’ve come to the right place.

I’m going to break down why people skip leg day and outline a few of the benefits of working out the legs, if there are any besides just getting sadistic joy out of harming yourself like autoerotic asphyxiation. Continue reading Legging It Out: The Low Down On Lower Body Training

Don’t Sweat It!

Sweating burns calories and doing more of it is the secret to weight loss, right? Come find out how wrong that is!

Ever thought about working out while wearing garbage bags?

Maybe slathering your body up in a “workout enhancer” and then wrapping yourself in cellophane?

Don’t look at me all indignant!

You know you want to sweat more because sweating means you’re working hard.

And if you’re working hard, that means you’re burning calories.

And if you’re burning calories, that means you’re losing weight.

Right?

R-r-r-right!!!

So that means that if you could sweat more, you’d burn even more calories.

And if you burn even more calories, you’ll lose even more weight!

That’s just simple logic, motherfucker.

So, yeah, that’s why you’ve thought about working out in a heavy sweatshirt with the hoodie scrunched over your head so you look like Kenny on South Park!

Well, I’m here to tell you to bundle up.

Oh, and don’t forget to do it in the middle of summer, too!

But before you do, let’s consider a few things. Continue reading Don’t Sweat It!

All About The Bennies: Why Weight Training Is Life

The benefits of weight training? Why is

Mad at your parents for the crappy genes they cursed you with?

Those pencil-thin arms?

That backside that’s flatter than a bombed joke — or, basically, Carlos Mencia’s standup career?

By placing your muscles under stress and causing them to grow in response, weight training allows you to enhance the body shape and appearance that you curse your parents for cursing you with.

But that’s not all, folks!

How about the lard that you’re carrying that has nothing to do with your poor food choices and everything to do with your inferior genetics?

The building of new muscle — primarily type II muscle fibers — with resistance exercise increases lean muscle mass. As we know, muscle is the body’s natural fat-burner. So the increased muscle mass means a boost in metabolism by as much as 15 percent, which translates to your body becoming a fat incinerating blowtorch as it burns more total calories in normal daily activity.

Looking better is why you want to weight train, whether you’re too caught up in your own bullshit or not to admit it.

Now, as much as I kid about you only being interested in this weight training shit for the shallowest of reasons (I’m not kidding, though), there are many benefits to it that extend well beyond just looking good so you can stop having to rely so much on your personality (how you got this far with it is a wonder to me, too!). Continue reading All About The Bennies: Why Weight Training Is Life

What (Not) To Do On Monday

Monday is International Chest Day for good reason. But there's even gooder reason why you should do any other body part but chest.

Somewhere in the galaxy, some intelligent life form is at the gym during rush hour and taking note that the squat rack and virtually every other station is free…

…except for equipment that has to do with the chest.

As far as that life form’s eyes can see, most, if not all, of the chest equipment is occupied by male members of the species.

It must be the beginning of the week.

Here on earth, that means it’s Monday.

Who the fuck am I, Patrick Jane or somethin’?

I should probably be flattered with the comparison, but to think that a mere mortal (even one who’s fictional) burns a candle to me is somewhat insulting because, after all, I AM OMNISCIENT!!!

With that said, however, it doesn’t take that sort of all-knowing power to figure out what day it is once you’ve been going to the gym long enough.

It’s almost like it’s encoded in the computer simulation that is our reality that Monday is chest day.

Well, I’m here to tell you that life as we know it won’t fall apart if you train chest on any other day. And who the fuck would know that better than me, someone who’s omniscient?! Continue reading What (Not) To Do On Monday

Rerack Your Weights: Put Shit Back…Or Else

On the fence about putting your shit back when done? Let me tell you why you should rerack your weights...

Trust me, I and others are not impressed at your uncanny ability to load the leg press machine with every 45-pound plate in the facility and then crank out “reps” with your knees barely even bending.

No, you don’t exactly dazzle us with the manner in which you grab the heaviest dumbbells and perform three sets of one struggle rep in between 15 minutes of rest.

Believe you me, neither are we bowled over with how the bar bends from all the weight you have on it as you then do some cacamamie thing that you call a squat, deadlift, bench press, whatever your imagination allows.

We can all see that you’re special in the very special sense of the word, but there’s no reason in the world for you to walk away from a station with your dumbbells still on the floor or weight still loaded on a piece of equipment as if the dumbbells and plates were an undying monument to your physical strength.

So rerack your weights, chump.

But what if ya don’t? Continue reading Rerack Your Weights: Put Shit Back…Or Else

Program Analysis: You’re Doing It Wrong (And What To Do To Stop Doing It Wrong)

Are you a program hopping program hopper always jumping to a new workout routine? That's you? To a tee, you say! Well, you won't be after this blog post sets you straight!

You began a workout program and after running it a few times, your strength has plateaued.

Major bummer!

Or your fat loss has stalled.

What a drag!

Or the centimeter of new muscle you swore you grew hasn’t multiplied into mounds of curvaceousness.

Such a disappointment!

Welp, I guess it’s time to swap out your exercise routine for one you’ve read on a fitness savant’s blog, seen discussed by the gym bros on a message board, or came across in a popular Youtuber’s latest video. Maybe replace what you’re doing with something detailed in a magazine, book, social media post. Maybe scrap your current program for the program that you’ve heard your anal bleacher’s boyfriend’s hairstylist’s mailman’s uncle’s next door neighbor’s landscaper’s cousin is having great results with.

It behooves you to overhaul your program for a completely new one, right?

What are you, a fucking kangaroo?!?!

It’s just a shot in the dark here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that no, you’re not a fucking kangaroo.

And because you’re NOT a fucking kangaroo, taking the drastic step of program hopping would be a mistake of epic proportions. Continue reading Program Analysis: You’re Doing It Wrong (And What To Do To Stop Doing It Wrong)

Would You HIIT This? You Know You Wanna (And Should)!

What's the most effective cardio to lose fat? Definitely not what you're doing right now.

What comes to mind when you read or hear the word “cardio”?

Is it people with soulless eyes slogging away on the treadmill, elliptical or stationary bike for hours on end?

That’s exactly what you think of, right? Of course, you do!

That’s the only way to strip off those layers of fat to reveal the hunka burnin’ love underneath, right?

Right?

Ummmm…no, not really.

The most effective cardio for fat loss sure as hell isn’t that!

There’s something better — I mean, like distant galaxies apart in terms of effectiveness. Continue reading Would You HIIT This? You Know You Wanna (And Should)!