Let’s Keep It Casual: Handling Alcohol W/O Alcohol Love-Handling You

Can alcohol make you fat? Do you have to give it up for weight loss? Find out its effect on the metabolism before you ditch the booze and become a total bore!

First, let me preface by saying that I’m not saying that you have a drinking problem.

All I’m saying is that you might have a problem with drinking.

I mean, golly gee willikers at the amount of wine some of you drink!

How terrible are your relationships, rotten are your kids, and horrible your work life that you feel compelled to drown away your sorrows in bottle after bottle of vino?!

While alcohol is making you find me even more devilishly handsome (trust me, you don’t need liquor for that) and less inhibited to slide into my direct messages on various social media platforms (keep drinking, ladies!), it’s not doing anything for your figure.

See, at 7 calories per gram, alcohol has the highest energy content behind dietary fat (9 calories per gram). However, unlike dietary fat and the other macronutrients, all seven of alcohol’s calories are empty and have no nutritional value.

Oh yeah, alcohol is also toxic.

Yeah, toxic…like your family members…your family members who are the cause of your drinking in the first place!

Now, because alcohol is a toxic substance, it doesn’t get stored in the body like food calories. Instead, the acetate it’s broken down into must be eliminated as soon as possible. What this means is that the metabolism immediately goes from burning off the calories from your last meal to breaking down that “Two-Buck Chuck” that you decided to treat yo’self to and are drunk-crying about on your kitchen floor because you suddenly realized that the decision to buy it is going to place a serious financial strain on your broke ass.

On top of alcohol pause buttoning the body’s ability to burn fat, it also affects satiety and impairs self-control, which results in you not only consuming more calories but also eating fattening foods you know damn well you’re not supposed to.

What does all of this add up to? Continue reading Let’s Keep It Casual: Handling Alcohol W/O Alcohol Love-Handling You

Moving Backwards: Reversing The Fuck Out Of Your Diet

Reverse dieting is the hottest shit in the streets right now. Learn what it is and why you should the crowd like you do almost everything else!!
So here you are, you lost a shitload of weight…

…and put back on the pounds (and even more) in less time than it took for you to lose them.

The fuck?!

Well, if you’re like most people (and you fucking are!), I bet you decided to loosen up some by finally eating every bit of scrumdiddlyumptiousness that had been calling your name during all those weeks of dieting. Hey, you were on your grind for how long and reached your goal weight, right?! So what’s an entire cheesecake here and a pizza there? Shiiiiiiiiiitttt, if anyone deserves some treat yo’self, it’s you!!!

Or, if you’re a bit more serious about this fitness shit and didn’t turn into a glutton and eat everything in sight like you were trying to make up for lost time, I bet you brought yourself up to your maintenance calories almost overnight.

Whatever the case, care to take a guess why your weight shot the fuck up?

I’m not a genius or nuffin’ (actually, I am) so take what I say with a grain of salt, but your weight gain probably has to do with you thinking that the diet is over once the diet is over.

Sorry, but it isn’t! Continue reading Moving Backwards: Reversing The Fuck Out Of Your Diet

Cleanse Thyself: The Skinny On Drinking Yourself Skinny

Just drink a smoothie or tea and lose weight? Find out why the idea of the detox (and cleanse) is as mythical as the Dr. Dre album!

Undo the damage to your waistline from months (possibly years) of crappy eating by just chugging a green smoothie or nursing a herbal slimming tea for a short number of days?!

And not only will these detox drinks help you lose weight by boosting your metabolism via the removal of super dangerous toxins that were bogging it down, but the purging of that crazy harmful waste is healthy as all fuck?!

Your vanity has serious medical benefits?!

SOLD!!!

Where’s the fucking signup sheet?!

If you’ve been paying any attention to the lunatic ramblings on this blog about quick fixes and how they don’t exist, you might want to hold up just a tad before drinking yourself skinny. Continue reading Cleanse Thyself: The Skinny On Drinking Yourself Skinny

Ooooooh Baby, I Like It Raw (Eggs, That Is)!!!

Raw eggs vs. cooked eggs, which is better? Why? *sigh* Since I have to answer EVERYTHING for you people, here's your damn answer! *sigh*

Raw sex.

Raw fish.

Eddie Murphy’s 1987 comedy special.

The classic TV series Rawhide.

Lifting without a belt, gloves or other assistance gear.

There are some things that are just better raw.

But what about raw eggs?

Are there any advantages to chugging down baby chicken goop? After all, considering how Rocky Balboa went on to become a boxing god by following a training regimen that included cracking and drinking five eggs immediately upon waking, don’t there have to be benefits to doing likewise?!

And if so, how safe can raw eggs possibly be?

Well, let’s crack the case (that pun was abso-fucking-lutely intended). Continue reading Ooooooh Baby, I Like It Raw (Eggs, That Is)!!!

Are You Making This Big Fat Mistake?

Eat fat? Eat fat?! Yes, eat fat! Here are the healthy fats you should eat to lose fat.
There are healthy fats to eat to lose fat?!

I know, mind blown!

<ewwwww!!!>Mind blown all over your laptop</ewwwww!!!>

Just like carbs have been painted as the enemy of mankind, you’ve been led to believe that fat is what makes you fat.

Bill Clinton saying he didn’t inhale, Roger Clemens testifying before Congress that he “misremembered” doing roids, and your faked orgasms with your boyfriend/husband/fuck buddy are all closer to the truth than that!

Because the truth can set you free, what say you to some liberation? Continue reading Are You Making This Big Fat Mistake?

What Metabolism Is And How It Works (And Why You Should Or Shouldn’t Hate Your Friend As Much)

What the metabolism is. How it works. And other mysteries solved.

Your friend’s personal trainer has them on some nutrition plan that has them looking completely bangable. You want to look completely bangable too. So you give it a try right down to the exact calories and macros. But bummer, you don’t end up looking completely bangable. The calories and macros that are working so well for your friend do bupkis for you.

Sound familiar?

It does, right?

So what the fucking bleepity bleep is going on?

Nothing but proof that we’re all special in our own ways, just like mum used to tell us.

Wait, the same woman who lied to you about Santa, kept buying you a look-alike dog every time Boomer died so she wouldn’t have to explain death to you, and said she has no regrets about having to put her social life and career on hold because of you, was telling the truth?!?!

How so?

It has to do with what the metabolism is and how it works.

So before your resentment ruins that friendship of yours, allow me to explain to you real simple like.

Then please, by all means, go ahead and ruin it to high hell! Continue reading What Metabolism Is And How It Works (And Why You Should Or Shouldn’t Hate Your Friend As Much)

Low-Calorie Diets: The Low Down Dirty Shame

Your ass is the only thing you should be dropping low (like on a random stranger in the club), not your food intake down to starvation diet calories.

There’s a lot of horrible fitness advice out there.

…and “horrible” is a gross understatement of how horrible some of the horrible advice is.

One display of such horrible horribleness is something I came across on a message board that I’ve frequented for many years now (admittedly, it isn’t exactly a place where you’d expect great scholarship, but c’mon!!!).

In a thread debating the effectiveness of using exercise to burn calories, the board’s resident know-it-all — it appears that EVERY board has some village idiot like this who puffs their chest out as a knower of all shit but is really just adept at using Google — made the argument that anyone venturing to lose weight should just eat 1,200 calories. Problem solved.

This is the thinking of many, that you just drastically reduce your calories and…POOF…fat be gone.

Although weight loss is nothing more than a matter of calories in-calories out (CICO), the magic number of 1,200 calories (and anything that involves dropping calories to even more extreme levels) is just plain stupid. Continue reading Low-Calorie Diets: The Low Down Dirty Shame