Cleanse Thyself: The Skinny On Drinking Yourself Skinny

Just drink a smoothie or tea and lose weight? Find out why the idea of the detox (and cleanse) is as mythical as the Dr. Dre album!

Undo the damage to your waistline from months (possibly years) of crappy eating by just chugging a green smoothie or nursing a herbal slimming tea for a short number of days?!

And not only will these detox drinks help you lose weight by boosting your metabolism via the removal of super dangerous toxins that were bogging it down, but the purging of that crazy harmful waste is healthy as all fuck?!

Your vanity has serious medical benefits?!


Where’s the fucking signup sheet?!

If you’ve been paying any attention to the lunatic ramblings on this blog about quick fixes and how they don’t exist, you might want to hold up just a tad before drinking yourself skinny.

Often used interchangeably (as is done in this very post), detoxes and cleanses are separate things, with the former working its magic on the fat cells by supposedly clearing the liver of toxins and the latter working its magic on the digestive tract.

But as distinct as their areas of operation are, they both operate under the premise of purifying the body.

Speaking to this, there’s nothing new under the sun.

The idea of purifying the body seems to have come out of nowhere in only the past couple of years, with celebrities — that’s right, the people you should take health advice from — extolling the virtues of special concoctions flushing their innards and helping them lose more pounds than the old standby used to (that’s cocaine, by the way).

While appearing to be recent and having many fooled to think body purification is based on newfangled science, today’s detox craze has its roots in the “autointoxication” hypothesis of the ancient world.

According to the only Egyptians we care about — that’s right, those long dead mummy making ones — ingested food rots in the intestines much like food rots outside of the body. This decomposed matter then becomes poisonous, with the toxins seeping from the bowels and circulating throughout the body to cause fever, infection and other maladies.

Because this thinking makes way too much sense, it was quickly adopted by the ancient Greeks and others well into modernity until early 20th century science finally discredited the notion that looking and feeling better begins in the colon.

I know what you’re saying, “Food rots in the body and that’s what makes you sick? Not germs? Bacteria? These are the same geniuses who brought us the pyramids? Yeah, they definitely had to have been built by aliens!”

While you may sneer at the naivete of the Egyptians, much of the same rationale lies behind the 21st century’s version of “autointoxication”, which too collapses under the same serious review that ended the days for colon cleansing as an accepted medical practice in the early 1900s.

There’s no doubt about it that the current slew of detox formulas work in helping their drinkers lose weight. Their doing so should come as no wonder considering that the magic in many is senna leaf, aloe vera, dandelion, and other ingredients that are nothing more than good ol’ laxatives and/or diuretics.

But you’re losing sooooo much weight, even though you’ve already been fitted for a crown because you’re basically living on the porcelain throne.

Plus you’re also cleansing your body of hazardous waste.

So what’s the harm?!

How ‘bout this…

Frequent pissing and shitting to rid the body of “toxic” fluids and waste ahead of when nature would call of its own accord can result in dehydration and the loss of potassium, sodium and magnesium. Without these essential minerals at their required levels, an electrolyte imbalance can occur leading to muscle cramps and heart arrhythmia.

Oh yeah, in addition to those fun things, using a laxative everyday can not only give you a constant case of taco truck diarrhea but the colon’s dependence on laxatives can grow to the point that you can possibly have trouble moving your bowels without them.

If this didn’t already sound fun enough, there’s also the increased risk of death.

If that doesn’t make you say, “Happy happy, joy joy”, I don’t know what will!!!

Detox drinks clearly aren’t the safe option they’re commonly advertised as. But let’s put all that nonsense talk of safety aside for a minute. I mean, who really cares about that shit?! You have a hot body to get, dammit!!! And despite all their health drawbacks, cleansing products do in fact help you get a hot body by facilitating weight loss.

Or do they?

Well, yes, you’ll shed pounds of body weight — but it’s mostly just water, metabolic waste (i.e. feces) and muscle tissue, very little actual body fat. And because most drinkers of detox formulas usually combine these products with restrictive diets, the end result of both flushing their bodies of nutrients and not consuming enough zaps them of the energy to exercise hard enough to promote hypertrophy, or muscle growth. That not only means that you’ll more than likely regain all the weight back when you return to normal eating habits but also possibly more because of the loss of calorie-burning muscle.

So the hot body you worked so hard pissing and shitting your brains out for is only temporary.

For longer lasting results, you’re better off practicing proper nutrition and getting into the habit of going to the gym.

Yeah, a fucking lifestyle change.

Oh, the horror!

Drinks marketed as detoxes and cleanses have serious side effects and the weight loss results aren’t what they’re billed as.

…b-b-but they sure do remove toxins!


What exactly are these “toxins”?


…and that’s the thing.

“Toxins” is a nebulous, boogeyman term. It instills fear in people when they hear that virtually everything around them is a pollutant, but the word has no meaning — as demonstrated by the fact that many manufacturers of detox supplements have trouble articulating what toxins their products remove.

The fact of the matter is that even if these “toxins” existed to the levels that they needed to be purged from the body, there would still be no need for gulping down a smoothie or tea because the human body already performs that task daily.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of them, but there are these things called the liver, kidneys, gastrointestinal tract and skin that have been ridding the body of environmental contaminants and metabolic waste since man stepped on land and inhaled the sulfur-rich air (a product of volcanic eruptions) and devoured his Brontosaurus burger barely cooked, if not raw.

Albeit that the planet is probably more polluted than it has been at any other time — much of it man’s doing — and the foods we eat are treated with chemicals from field to table, the human body still does more than an admirable job of cleaning itself. All said, the organs don’t require additional help (unless you have a serious health problem, in which case you would either be dead within hours or require medical attention, not a potion sold exclusively by some supplement company).

Don’t trust your body to keep up with its housekeeping duties — much like your mobile ventilator using ass doesn’t trust it to breathe on its own?

Well, for you worrywarts, there are better cleansing alternatives than laxative and/or diuretic-laden drinks.

For example, incorporating fiber in your diet and drinking cranberry or lemon juice — freshly squeezed if possible, not the sugar bombed shit in grocery aisles — can help move food through the digestive system faster.

Another possible solution is to avoid processed and packaged foods high in trans-fat, omega-6 polyunsaturated fats, and sugar in order to stop stressing the liver and kidneys.

But that calls for limiting the amount of Krusty-O’s, Big Kahuna burgers, and pizza slices from Sal’s Famous that you can stuff your face with.

Sounds like a lifestyle change, and as we all know that’s a major bummer!

Detox drinks aren’t necessary to lose weight.

All you need are diet and exercise, and the requisite time for them to work.

Anyone who tries to tell you that there’s a weight loss method that doesn’t call for you changing your lifestyle is a huckster, charlatan, flimflam man attempting to sell you something.

That should be your first opportunity to get some exercise in by running as far away from that snake oil salesman as possible.

Have you ever performed a detox or cleanse? How’d that go for ya? And the one after that? And the one after that? And the one after that because you were a little too dense to realize that the results aren’t lasting?

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