This Is Why You’re Not A Loser (And What You Can Do About Your Loserdom)!

Why are you working out, eating clean, all that crap, but gaining weight instead of losing it? Ummmmm, probably because you're making this classic mistake!

Let me guess…

You’ve been eating healthy and taking your ass to the motherfucking gym.

But the scale isn’t going in the direction you expected it to.

It’s moving up, NOT down.

Sure, you know that weight fluctuations are common.

But this isn’t a fucking weight fluctuation.


We’re not talking about the rapid weight gain of 2-3 lbs from something high in sodium making you retain more water nor you holding more glycogen in your muscle cells than usual from eating a shitful of carbs.


We’re talking about you steadily gaining weight over a period of weeks, with you becoming even more of a fat ass than when you began giving a fuck about not being a fat ass.


I. Attention-To-Deficit Disorder


Why are you gaining weight?

Let’s see if we can figure this out!

Now, since weight loss, in most instances, is simply a matter of calories in-calories out (CICO) — i.e. burning more calories than you take in — the reason why you’re working out and gaining weight instead of losing it is because…

…wait for it…


A caloric deficit, you say?!

<facepalming yourself>DUH!!!</facepalming yourself>

I know what you’re thinking.

And what are you thinking?

That you’re like most people in regards to you not being all that physically active outside of the gym. Up to or afterwards, you continuously make choices that result in the expending of less energy — like choosing the lift over taking the stairs — all of which translates into the burning of less total calories.

So what’ll fix ya is climbing the two flights of stairs to your office instead of taking the elevator, huh?

How about N-to the motherfuckin’-O!

Being that physical activity doesn’t account for as much daily calorie burn as is commonly held, you being a lazy toad outside of the gym is not the main cause of you gaining weight despite your herculean efforts inside it.

The likely culprit is your diet and you not creating large enough of a deficit with it.

II. What The Health?!

B-b-but you eat healthy!

And that’s the motherfucking problem!

See, although you may be “eating clean”, “eating healthy”, however the fuck you want to phrase it, all that organic, gluten-free, vegan shit that you’re now annoying your friends with isn’t going to do anything for you if you happen to be overeating it — in other words, taking in more calories than you’re burning.

And this overeating thing happens oodles!

Oodles, I tell ya!

Need an example?

Heeeere you go!

People start juicing and drinking a shitload of smoothies. What could possibly go wrong? After all, fruits are good for you! Maybe. But maybe not when all the mangoes, bananas, apples, and pineapples they’re tossing in the blender create a sugar bomb.

Another example?

People switch from vegetable oil to coconut oil, the healthier alternative. On top of that, because coconut oil enhances the flavor of ANYTHING and it’s healthy, they eat it with rice. Add some to noodles. Throw it in oatmeal. Mix it with protein powder. ANYTHING!!! What could possibly go wrong? Nothing…other than coconut oil being a fat — a healthy fat, at that — and that while eating fat doesn’t make you fat, eating too much of it will.

This is all to say that a calorie doesn’t magically stop being a calorie because it’s from “healthy” food and not from pizza, giving you free license to eat as much of it as you please without consequences.

And this is to say nothing of the fake healthy foods that people buy into.

Fake healthy foods?

Yeah, the food items with packaging reading: Low Fat, Fat Free, Low Carb, Cholesterol Free, Gluten Free, High Fiber, Organic, Whole Grain, All Natural, and every other buzzword that’s associated with eating healthy.

What makes them fake?

Although many of these twice expensive foods may contain less fat or carbs than the regular “unhealthy” version, they have the same calorie counts and more sodium and sugar, usually making them worse alternatives.

But that’s what people do, they stock up on real or fake “healthy” foods and think that’s enough.

It bloody isn’t!


What you have to do is calculate your total daily energy expenditure so you know exactly how many calories are needed to place your body at a deficit.

And you’re still not done!

What you have to do next is track your food intake and count your motherfucking calories and macros so you know that you’re eating less than you’re burning every…motherfucking…day.

That’s it.

III. We’re All Compensating For Something

As we’ve seen, weight gain when exercising and cleaning up your act at the table can be attributed to overeating healthy and so-called “healthy” food under the impression that it can do no bad since it’s good for you.

Beyond that, people fail to get themselves in a caloric deficit by overeating in another way.

In what’s known as “compensatory behavior”, people have been found to eat MOAR calories after their workout (as much as 11 or more for every 10 burned) because:

(1) exercising itself makes them hungrier as a result of long, low-intensity exercise leading to lower production of ghrelin — an appetite increasing hormone — or dehydration causing the person to confuse thirst for hunger;


(2) they have a nasty habit of overestimating how many calories they actually burned off and then think they have enough wiggle room to reward themselves for their hard work.

So how do you prevent eating back your calories?

Ummmmmm, I don’t know.

Maybe you can do higher intensity workouts, not only increasing ghrelin but also raising the production of the fat-burning hormone T3 while decreasing the stress hormone cortisol, which signals visceral fat storage in the stomach.

Or maybe drink water so the body can better distinguish hunger from thirst.

Or maybe get an activity tracker to take the guesswork out of calculating calorie burn.

Other than that, I have no friggin’ clue!

IV. Bang Head Here

Why you’re working out and gaining weight instead of losing it isn’t on the same plane as an ancient mystery.

What it all comes down to is eating too much to achieve the negative energy balance necessary for weight loss.

This just goes to show the importance of nutrition in weight management and that exercise without the appropriate dietary intervention is asking for the banging of your head against a wall.

Have you been working out and eating right only to discover that you’re packing on the pounds more than ever? Were you genius enough to figure out why, that you probably more than definitely weren’t really in a deficit? Or did you need this bit of brilliance to tell you that?

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