Welcome, Boys + Girls In Internet-Land!

Can I be honest with you?

*ahem*

THIS WEBSITE IS PROBABLY NOT FOR YOU

It might very well be in your best interest to kindly hit the back button and immediately scrub your brain of its limited exposure to this site’s content. Ya see, what I create and do is for a very teeny-tiny segment of the population. You might not be a member of that niche. And that’s cool. Don’t beat yourself up — we can’t all be perfect. Here’s how you’ll know this website is for you…

YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE IF:

  • You want to burn fat and look sexy as fuck naked
  • You want everybody thinking about boinking you when you walk by
  • You want to build confidence by becoming a badass in the gym

IS THIS YOU?
They Call Me

A gym clothes aficionado, fitness center elitist, Pop-Tarts connoisseur, and stank eye extraordinaire.

Oh yeah, I’m also a bad, bad man in the weight room who helps people have a hot bod and get laid.

Yes

DO YOU WANNA GET LAID?!

Lucky for you, you’ve come to the right place!

Look at this:

 WHY PEOPLE WORK OUT

Why People Workout Pie Chart

You’re really only interested in working out to get banged or do the banging!

This is where I come in, because I can help you with that.

How? I like you already.

You ask good questions and shit!

Well, it’s simple arithmetic, really.

If you can excuse my chicken scratch, I’ll grab the ole pencil and break it down for ya.

Chicken Scratch

I don’t know about you, but I love math!

So if you wanna get laid — which you do — look no further.

HERE AT MONSTERLONGE.COM, YOU’LL FIND:

  • Tutorials on how to pick heavy things up without killing or paralyzing yourself
  • Exclusive advice from someone who looks like they should be giving advice
  • Instructions on how not to have people make fun of you in the gym or want to murder you
  • Motivational material to give you that extra oomph when you feel like being a pussy

THAT’S A BUTTLOAD OF FRESH CONTENT ALL IN ONE PLACE!

What can you do with that dope fitness and nutrition info delivered with just a touch of sarcasm and profanity done real classy like?

Use it to get shredded and get the attention of that cute boy or girl you’ve had your eye on but who doesn’t even know you exist.

FUCK YEAH!!!

YOUR LONELY NIGHTS AND DAYS OF DRY SPELLS ARE OVER!

But first? Subscribe now to receive:

  • A free activity book to learn how to calculate your total daily calories, play with macronutrients, and read a nutrition label.
  • Access to 1-800-FIT-NESS, my private Facebook group where members share their progress, give each other feedback and answer each other’s questions.
  • Plus the “I Can’t Believe I Signed Up For This Newsletter”, a weekly email containing tips, tricks, how-to’s and other goodies to improve your body and raise your whoopie potential through the roof.

SIGN UP TO GET ALL THAT FOR THE LOW PRICE OF $0.00 PER MONTH!

Subscribe Me Up

No spam guarantee.


 
Best Regards