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Don’t Sweat It!

Sweating burns calories and doing more of it is the secret to weight loss, right? Come find out how wrong that is!

Ever thought about working out while wearing garbage bags?

Maybe slathering your body up in a “workout enhancer” and then wrapping yourself in cellophane?

Don’t look at me all indignant!

You know you want to sweat more because sweating means you’re working hard.

And if you’re working hard, that means you’re burning calories.

And if you’re burning calories, that means you’re losing weight.

Right?

R-r-r-right!!!

So that means that if you could sweat more, you’d burn even more calories.

And if you burn even more calories, you’ll lose even more weight!

That’s just simple logic, motherfucker.

So, yeah, that’s why you’ve thought about working out in a heavy sweatshirt with the hoodie scrunched over your head so you look like Kenny on South Park!

Well, I’m here to tell you to bundle up.

Oh, and don’t forget to do it in the middle of summer, too!

But before you do, let’s consider a few things. Continue reading Don’t Sweat It!

Reversing The Fuck Out Of Your Diet In A Few Embarrassingly Easy Steps

Your diet is over and you know you need to reverse diet. But how do you do it? With these reverse dieting instructions, of course!

Reverse dieting is the process of adding calories back into your diet after severely restricting them for an extended period of time.

Why you should give a fuck about it is because it’s a great way to prevent weight rebound.

You know, when you lose 20 lbs, end your diet, go to sleep, and then wake up the next morning 40 lbs heavier.

Yeah, that weight rebound!

Not only that, but because reverse dieting is primarily done to help reset the metabolism and get it humming again, reverse dieting can be implemented way before you reach your goal weight, like when you’re at a fat loss plateau. In that case, what you’d do it work your way back to maintenance then start stripping calories again.

All that is well and good, you say.

What you really want to know though is how to reverse out of a diet.

It’s quite simple, my dear…as you’ll see with these very, very easy reverse dieting instructions! Continue reading Reversing The Fuck Out Of Your Diet In A Few Embarrassingly Easy Steps

Moving Backwards: Reversing The Fuck Out Of Your Diet

Reverse dieting is the hottest shit in the streets right now. Learn what it is and why you should the crowd like you do almost everything else!!
So here you are, you lost a shitload of weight…

…and put back on the pounds (and even more) in less time than it took for you to lose them.

The fuck?!

Well, if you’re like most people (and you fucking are!), I bet you decided to loosen up some by finally eating every bit of scrumdiddlyumptiousness that had been calling your name during all those weeks of dieting. Hey, you were on your grind for how long and reached your goal weight, right?! So what’s an entire cheesecake here and a pizza there? Shiiiiiiiiiitttt, if anyone deserves some treat yo’self, it’s you!!!

Or, if you’re a bit more serious about this fitness shit and didn’t turn into a glutton and eat everything in sight like you were trying to make up for lost time, I bet you brought yourself up to your maintenance calories almost overnight.

Whatever the case, care to take a guess why your weight shot the fuck up?

I’m not a genius or nuffin’ (actually, I am) so take what I say with a grain of salt, but your weight gain probably has to do with you thinking that the diet is over once the diet is over.

Sorry, but it isn’t! Continue reading Moving Backwards: Reversing The Fuck Out Of Your Diet

Do This, Not That: Fitness Hacks For [Faster] Results

These fitness hacks will help you see results faster than you would have without them. So…ummmmm…you might want to do 'em! No pressure, though. Nope!

Are you one of those people?

Y’know…the type of person to tell their lover, bestie, coworker, bank teller, basically anybody who’ll listen to them, that they’re not seeing results from their diet or exercise program even though they’re doing EVERYTHING they can possibly think of.

If you’re teetering on the verge of becoming one of those people, then you’re doing it wrong.

What exactly?

This whole fitness thing, THAT’S WHAT!!!

Because it’d be a travesty for you to become one of those people, here are some fitness hacks to help you make gains and not have to annoy those closest to you with your First World problems. Continue reading Do This, Not That: Fitness Hacks For [Faster] Results

All About The Bennies: Why Weight Training Is Life

The benefits of weight training? Why is

Mad at your parents for the crappy genes they cursed you with?

Those pencil-thin arms?

That backside that’s flatter than a bombed joke — or, basically, Carlos Mencia’s standup career?

By placing your muscles under stress and causing them to grow in response, weight training allows you to enhance the body shape and appearance that you curse your parents for cursing you with.

But that’s not all, folks!

How about the lard that you’re carrying that has nothing to do with your poor food choices and everything to do with your inferior genetics?

The building of new muscle — primarily type II muscle fibers — with resistance exercise increases lean muscle mass. As we know, muscle is the body’s natural fat-burner. So the increased muscle mass means a boost in metabolism by as much as 15 percent, which translates to your body becoming a fat incinerating blowtorch as it burns more total calories in normal daily activity.

Looking better is why you want to weight train, whether you’re too caught up in your own bullshit or not to admit it.

Now, as much as I kid about you only being interested in this weight training shit for the shallowest of reasons (I’m not kidding, though), there are many benefits to it that extend well beyond just looking good so you can stop having to rely so much on your personality (how you got this far with it is a wonder to me, too!). Continue reading All About The Bennies: Why Weight Training Is Life

This Is Why You’re Not A Loser (And What You Can Do About Your Loserdom)!

Why are you working out, eating clean, all that crap, but gaining weight instead of losing it? Ummmmm, probably because you're making this classic mistake!

Let me guess…

You’ve been eating healthy and taking your ass to the motherfucking gym.

But the scale isn’t going in the direction you expected it to.

It’s moving up, NOT down.

Sure, you know that weight fluctuations are common.

But this isn’t a fucking weight fluctuation.

Nope!

We’re not talking about the rapid weight gain of 2-3 lbs from something high in sodium making you retain more water nor you holding more glycogen in your muscle cells than usual from eating a shitful of carbs.

Nah!!!

We’re talking about you steadily gaining weight over a period of weeks, with you becoming even more of a fat ass than when you began giving a fuck about not being a fat ass.

HOW CAN THIS BE?!?! Continue reading This Is Why You’re Not A Loser (And What You Can Do About Your Loserdom)!