So you’ve got the macro game on smash.
You know precisely how many grams of fat, carbs and protein you need to consume in order to do whatever the fuck it is that you want to do with your body.
Even more than that, you’re hitting those macro targets on the daily.
You’ve become a virtuoso at this shit, to the point that you no longer even have to waste precious nanoseconds of your life weighing shit on your kitchen scale anymore. You just simply grab something out of the fridge or from the cupboard and that motherfucker is the exact amount needed!
Kudos to you!
…but with all that care and concern to meet your nutrient requirements, you’re more than likely still missing the most important one to help you burn fat and build muscle.
Take a stab at what it is.
Here’s a clue: it’s liquid, clear, nonaromatic, tasteless and you probably hate it.
If you guessed water, H2O, agua, or even said Jesus’ tears, you win absolutely nothing but a heaping pile of self-satisfaction at knowing you’re not an utter nincompoop. And really, what prize can be greater than that?!?!
Are you serious about doing whatever the fuck it is that you want to do with your body? Was that a yes? Then you better get serious about adding water to the mix…not tomorrow…or the day after…or next week…but PRON-MOTHERFUCKING-TO!!!
I. Mobile Aquariums
We’re nothing but a sea of water.
The average adult human body is made up of 45-70 percent of the stuff — the great degree of variation coming from differences in age, sex, health, weight and body fat levels. And with water composing 83 percent of the blood, proper hydration is critical for nutrient absorption and the biochemical reactions that take place within the body, for water is the vehicle by which carbohydrates and proteins — as well as essential vitamins and minerals, and other shit — are transported into the system and metabolized for use before being shuttled off into the bloodstream for distribution.
So yeah, you’re getting your macros…but if you’re not washing them down with God’s saliva, then you’re not getting the full benefit of them as a result of impaired digestion.
II. Puff Daddy
Over 70 percent of skeletal muscle is water, and it accounts for 20-25 percent of adipose tissue.
What any of that means to you is that lack of water from fluid loss during exercise or by way of a water-deficient diet has a tremendous impact on muscle size. And when you don’t have enough water in your system, dehydration occurs.
As (almost) everybody knows, you can survive for much longer without food than you can without water. So because water is so vital to the body due to its role in nearly every function, the body begins to horde water subcutaneously as a protective measure when dehydration happens. Then with that water stored in the extracellular spaces, you begin losing muscular definition as you appear smoother.
But hey, if you have zero qualms about walking around looking soft and puffy with tiny, under-inflated muscles, then, by all means, keep refusing to make water a central part of your nutrition plan!
III. Droppin’ Oxy
Something else you might want to consider is that poor water consumption leads to reduced oxygen delivery by the blood, which translates into less energy to do shit.
One of the ways this loss of energy presents itself is in decreased physical strength, with research suggesting that a moderate dehydration level of just 3 percent impacts muscular endurance and power output so much that training in that state will have you performing at only 80 percent of your full potential.
Not only does insufficient intake of water cause poor circulation that robs you of the ability to do 1-2 more reps than you normally could, but less oxygen in the bloodstream also has an effect on body fat. For reasons that are beyond my scope (and my give-a-fuckness to Google up), the body has a habit of burning fat for energy when the body is properly hydrated and there’s an adequate supply of oxygen. That’s not the case when oxygen levels are lowered.
Remaining on the topic of fat, another reason for your body tapping into less of your stores for energy has to do with dehydration and retained water. As was stated before — I hate repeating myself, but I’ll do it this once. ONCE, I tell ya!!! — the body observes that water is in short supply and proceeds to hold on to it when you don’t drink enough.
Now, the kidneys normally filter out waste and toxins but they begin working inefficiently if there isn’t enough water for them to make the contaminants less concentrated and easier to process. So to help them out, the kidneys recruit the liver to assist with waste management, an act of great humility that you probably wish the liver were more of a dick about because processing waste eats into its ability to perform its normal function of metabolizing body fat.
I betcha now understand how important water is for building muscle and burning fat!
Shhhhhhiiiiiittttt, I’m sure you’re ready to go chug down a Fanta, crack open a Redbull, or maybe plow through a Capri-Sun (before you realize you’re not in the goddamn mood to get hopelessly frustrated at trying to insert that goddamn straw into that goddamn pouch, if there’s even a straw still glued to it).
Fuck, you might even want to have some Earl Grey or painstakingly nurse a Starbucks latte macchiato for hours on end while your cheap ass leeches off the free bandwidth to check your email and illegally download the double disc special edition of Teenage Fat Booty Nurses #15.
Just like you’ll be disappointed to find out that Teenage Fat Booty Nurses #15 isn’t among the best in the series, it’s going to break your wee wittle heart that you can’t fulfill your water requirement of at least a gallon a day by drinking water in solution.
You need 100 percent, unadulterated H2O.
But you’re serious about your goals though, right?
So it should be no problem for you to pour yourself a tall glass of water — or, as some might like to think of it, boring in liquid form.