How To Stop Crying Over Cellulite
Your legs are pretty disgusting.
And I’m not even talking about the hair on them, toots!
Nope, I’m talking about the cellulite that makes the back of your legs look like a bowl of cottage cheese. Seriously, you expect a dude to pin your legs up and have to look at that while he’s plowing away?!
Well, a dude should pin your legs up and expect to be face-to-face with cottage cheese while plowing away because cellulite is pretty fucking common, as 80 to 90 percent of all women have it to varying degrees.1Yeah, cellulite is perfectly normal. And by way of its normalcy, there’s nothing really disgusting about it. The odor emanating from between your legs? Yes! The cellulite on them? No!
Cellulite is common, but, alas, you hate other women and don’t want to be anything like them so you’d rather get rid of it, to the point that you’re falling for all the shit you read and hear about in very trustworthy ads.2You know, you’re booking laser treatments with every doctor in town…and popping bottles of grape seed extract and ginkgo biloba supplements…and buying all the creams, massagers, exfoliating washes, dry brushes, and anti-cellulite leggings and shorts. DON’T FUCKING LIE, LIAR!!!
Sorry to break it to you, toots, but by falling for slick marketing, you’re doing nothing but wasting your time and money on completely ineffective and/or temporary solutions that all fail to address cellulite for what it is.
And that’s what?, you ask.
My, what a fantastic inquiry!
Cellulite occurs when fat cells push up against the skin. So it’s because of body fat? Nope! It has to do with poor circulation, as explained in the footnote.3Declining estrogen levels as women age results in the loss of receptors in blood vessels. With the loss of blood vessels comes along less oxygen and nutrients to the thighs. With the transport of less oxygen and nutrients to the thighs, there’s a decrease in the production of collagen in that area. Because collagen provides structure for the skin, decreased collagen production means the fat cells can easily protrude through the connective tissue to create the dimpled look we all know and love as “cellulite”.
The shit in the above footnote is why doing a shitload of cardio and excessive dieting doesn’t work, because cellulite isn’t about excess fat. It’s also why most of the products and treatments on the market don’t work either, because they address things like fat or the skin itself and don’t do shit about circulation.4There are some exceptions, of course. One is any number of non-invasive processes that involve the use of a machine to massage the skin to increase circulation and then lasers or radio waves to shrink the fat cells. These have mixed reviews, however. Another is subscision surgery, a minimally invasive procedure that involves cutting the fibrous bands beneath the skin that cause lumping. Be prepared to shell out major bucks for either!
So if nothing works, then what’s the best way to get rid of cellulite?!
My, what another fantastic inquiry!
What’s the best way to get rid of cellulite if most of the products and treatments for it don’t work?
Well, that’s to go back in time and stop your parents from having you so you won’t be cursed with whatever your genetic predisposition to cellulite is!5If you stopped your parents from ever meeting because you hate your cellulite so much, that would mean that you’d never exist. As much as you not existing would please me, another option is to convince them to move to a less industrial nation. Cellulite isn’t as prevalent in developing countries because the people eat fewer processed foods and have higher activity levels, a point that will be touched on shortly.
Other than time traveling, there’s not much you can do to banish cellulite once you have it. All you can really do is lessen its appearance. Some ways to do that include eating more produce, drinking water, and getting better sleep, all of which can promote healthy blood flow. Oh, and weight training also helps with that while firming the muscle underneath the cellulite to smooth out the skin!
Something else you can do apart from trying to lessen the appearance of cellulite is to, you know, just accept your body as is.
Yeah, that’s a stupid idea but I thought it was worth a shot!
Being a woman in this society is tough. Because your value is determined by your physical appearance (as it fucking should be because, fuck, how else can a woman’s worth be accurately gauged), there are a lot of things that make it hard for you to live with yourself. After what you just read, you now know that cellulite shouldn’t be one of them.
As for your long back and keg waist and mosquito bite tits and Anthony Davis eyebrows and Jesse Ventura jaw and Pinocchio nose and flamingo neck and thunder thighs and Dumbo ears and turkey neck arms and non-childbearing hips and eagle’s claw feet? Yeah, they’re all things that are wrong with your body. But definitely not cellulite!