What (Not) To Do On International Chest Day
Somewhere in the galaxy, some intelligent life form is at the gym during rush hour and taking note that the squat rack and virtually every other station is free…
…except for equipment that has to do with the chest.
As far as that life form’s eyes can see, male members of the species are occupying most, if not all, of the chest equipment.
It must be the beginning of the week.
Here on earth, that means it’s Monday.
Who the fuck am I, Patrick Jane or somethin’?
I should probably be flattered by the comparison, but to think that a mere mortal, even one who’s fictional, burns a candle to me is somewhat insulting because, after all, I AM OMNISCIENT!!!
With that said, however, it doesn’t take that sort of all-knowing power to figure out what day it is once you’ve been going to the gym long enough.
It’s almost like it’s encoded in the computer simulation that is our reality that Monday is chest day.
Well, I’m here to tell you that life as we know it won’t fall apart if you train chest on any other day. And who the fuck would know that better than me, someone who’s omniscient?!
Yes, you read that correctly.
No great calamity will befall mankind if you pin yourself under a barbell and narrowly escape crushing your larynx on Tuesday.
Or Wednesday.
Or Thursday.
Or Friday.
Or Saturday.
Or Sunday.1Well, maybe not Sunday for fear of God smiting you for breaking the Sabbath, but you getting struck down by lightening won’t affect the rest of us!
So thanks to all the dudes going out of their way to protect us by diligently observing Monday as international chest day, but the sacrifice is wholly unnecessary.2People who go against long held beliefs and ways of doing things generally have to pay a steep price for it, sometimes even with their lives. So I said what I said knowing the cost.
No, you people don’t deserve someone as selfless as me who’s ready to die a martyr to make the world a better place but, fuck, it’s the least I could do!
Out of concern for the human race is why some train chest on Monday. Others train chest on Monday for reasons that have nothing to do with man’s preservation. For these selfish fucks, why does the bench press seem to have a magnetic pull on the first day of the week?
Well, let’s tease it out…
For many people *cough*males*cough* chest is their favorite body part. Not only is it visible to others, but it’s visible to them in the mirror, unlike the legs which are usually covered and the back which they can’t see with their own eyes. All, including themselves, can observe the fruits of their labor when it comes to the chest.3The chest being one of the “mirror muscles” along with the biceps, delts, and abs.
And what others can see by way of a barrel chest is a lot, as big pecs are thought to be desirable by females and a display of formidability to other males as a clear sign of upper body strength.4Let’s not forget that money, a fancy car, and easily contestable prenup are also among the list of things that women find desirable!
It’s for these reasons that a lot of guys spend an inordinate amount of time training their chest, with the overtraining festivities usually beginning on Monday.
Why Monday?
Simply because they’re fresh.
They’ve just had two days off from work and the gym to rest. They also have energy to put their all into hitting their favorite body part thanks to the shitload of excess calories coursing through them from what’s more often than not just two days of total gluttony. Moreover, the workweek hasn’t beaten them into a bloody pulp yet and zapped them of their drive and motivation.
The bench press and other chest stations are usually full of gym bros every day of the week, but more so on Monday.
Now we know why.
Some train chest at the start of the week to stave off the end of the world. Others do so because they’re only concerned about themselves.
The former, our wannabe saviors, can relax. Their fears are unfounded. Life will continue without their doing chest every fucking Monday. As for those who celebrate international chest day for vain, not humanitarian, reasons, they should also be made aware of the possibility of training chest on any other day than Monday.
See, the chest is a very small muscle group. And because it’s a very small muscle group, the increased energy and sky-high motivation at the start of the week are better spent on training a much larger muscle group like the legs or back. It’s those hard to develop body parts that you should train on Monday, when you can give them the attention they need so they grow in proportion to the rest of your body and you don’t end up looking like so much of a dingus.
But really, who the fuck wants to be well-proportioned?!
Glossary: abs, barbell, bench press, biceps, calories, chest, exercise equipment, gym, Monday, motivation, muscle group, squat rack
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