The Best Fat-Burning Foods For Weight Loss

Q: I’m trying to get sexy. I know, is it even possible to get sexier than I already am? Well, that’s what we’re about to find out! Anyway, because I have ABSOLUTELY no interest — NONE AT ALL!!! — in doing any of the requisite work to change my body, what are some of the best fat-burning foods for weight loss that’ll do the job for me?

A: What are the best fat-burning foods for weight loss?

Ooooooooooooh, I bet you’re patiently waiting for me to tell you to drink coffee or eat chili peppers because their active substances are reputed to rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.¹Those active substances are caffeine and capsaicin, respectively. I also bet you’re waiting for me to tell you about green tea. Or grapefruit. Or maybe turmeric. Or fenugreek. Or goji berries. Or quite possibly apple cider vinegar. You’ve probably seen those items on a list somewhere along with other foods that are reputed to burn right through fat and I bet you’re waiting with bated breath for me to validate their magical properties, plus tell you all sorts of other foods with similar capabilities. Well, don’t hold your breath too long because, you know, I wouldn’t want you to suffocate!²Fingers crossed, of course!

I’m not going to do any of the shit that’s expected of me because, first of all, I’m fucking defiant. Second, there aren’t any foods that are going to burn fat by just eating them, which is what people hope for and what many foods are hyped as doing. Unfortunately, there’s nothing that exists that gets rid of weight by you simply opening your mouth and swallowing, at least without you not dying in the process.

Sure, there are foods that’ll block the formation of fat cells, trigger the release of fat from cells, and boost the breakdown of fat. Whatever effect such foods have on your metabolism, though, isn’t to such a degree that it’ll amount to anything radical on the scale or in your pants size via you doing that alone.

Q: Wait, so if there’s no particular food that I can chomp down and let do the work of weight loss for me, do you mean to tell me that it all comes down to a calorie deficit?

A: Ding! Ding!! Ding!!! That’s exactly what it comes down to. There’s nothing magical in any food that’ll make you lose weight without you being in a deficit, which is nothing more than eating less calories than your body needs to maintain its current weight. So if a deficit is in place and you’re eating one of the supposed foods with magical properties and find yourself losing weight, it’s the deficit that’s responsible for that — NOT THE FOOD!!!

To that end, weight loss is about the number of calories, not where those calories are being provided from. So as long as you’re in a deficit, you can eat anything and still lose weight.

Q: Anything?!?!

A: Yes, you can eat A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!! Maintain a calorie deficit and *abracadabra* you’ll get leaner, and it doesn’t matter whether all your calories come from pizza or the latest fat-blasting superfood bullshit being hyped up by Dr. Oz, O Magazine, your forever losing weight coworker, and other paragons of sound nutrition advice.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t foods that you should eat. There definitely are. However, none of them will lose weight for you because, as was said, such foods don’t exist. Instead, what does exist are foods that’ll assist in making weight loss possible. Such foods are those that control hunger so you’re less likely to snack and eat more calories than you’re supposed to. Along those lines are foods rich in protein and fiber. Speaking of protein-rich foods, they also make the body expend more energy than carbs and dietary fat do in the digestion, absorption, and disposal process, which means the burning of far greater calories. Lastly, the best weight loss foods are the foods you actually enjoy eating. That’s because if you fill your nutrition plan with shit you love rather than eating what you hate, you’ll stay on your diet long enough to achieve your weight loss goal.

Glossary: caloric deficit, calories, diet, dietary fat, fat, metabolism