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How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams

How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams written in text with cartoon image of an overweight woman with a thought bubble containing a slim figure.

How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams

How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams written in text with cartoon image of an overweight woman with a thought bubble containing a slim figure.

Why you’re reading this escapes me.

Maybe you were lured in by the snazzy title.

So I guess this is the part where I’m expected to actually deliver on the headline’s promise, that of telling you how to get the body of your dreams.

¡Aye carumba!

What on earth have I gotten myself into?!

Hmmm…what to write?

What to write?!

Welp, since I have the body of a young Adonis, brilliance of Einstein, and the all-important charm of Josef Stalin, I reckon that it only makes sense for you to have been magnetically drawn to me so that I can provide you with pearls of wisdom so you too can someday have a dream body of your own — which, unfortunately for you, will still pale in comparison to mine.

So here goes nuffin’… Continue reading How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams

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Abdominals

abdominals

noun [ab·dom·uh·nls]
1. the muscle group between the chest and the pelvis that is the fave muscle group in the whole wide world of dudes without muscle. see also: YOU

Example of Abdominals in a Sentence
With all the new divisions in the NPC and other bodybuilding federations keep coming up with as a money grab so more people can pay the entry fees to compete in their shows under the guise of inclusivity, you’d be a shoo-in to dominate the stick figure division with those abdominals of yours!

 

2. the body part most people eat too much to see then act dumbfounded when they can’t see them. see also: DUH

Example of Abdominals in a Sentence
*sob*For the life of me, I can’t bloody figure out why my abdominals still aren’t showing despite my not doing a damn thing to change my eating habits*sob*

 

3. the muscles making up the midsection that assist in breathing, protect the organs, and support the spine while lifting so it makes it just a wee bit harder for you to snap your shit in half with your unbelievably crappy deadlift form. see also: HORROR SHOW

Example of Abdominals in a Sentence
Not like you’re even capable of going super heavy or anything because you’re kinda weak but if you could, that’d be the only time you’d really need to use a weightlifting belt because your abdominals already do the job of what the belt is for and constant use of it only makes you weaker than you already are by robbing your body of the chance to become stronger.

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Social Media Likes

Oh, you want to know what I'm training for? Social media likes, motherfucker! — Shit Monster Says

Oh, you want to know what I'm training for? Social media likes, motherfucker! — Shit Monster Says

Open up your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever social media app you use.

I’ll put money up that one of the first posts that pops up on your timeline is a fitness pic or vid with an accompanying struggle caption of barely literate jibberish.

How do I know what’s flooding your timeline?

Because that’s what’s flooding everybody’s timeline!

And why is it flooding everybody’s timeline?

Because everybody is a whore! Continue reading Social Media Likes