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Knocked Down

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you take the person down with you — Shit Monster Says

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you take the person down with you — Shit Monster Says

Emotional heartache after finding out your boo-bear was not only cheating on you but with someone much, much less hotter than you?

Ran an idea through someone you trusted who said it was stupid but then turned around and stole it and is now a mega-millionaire thanks to it?

Underemployed and have student debt that’ll take you three lifetimes to pay off because your parents spent the buttload of money left to you by your grandparents on shoes, clothes, fancy dinners, and other shit for themselves instead of squirreling the money away for your college education and beyond?

A horde of barbarians ransacked your village and burned it to the ground then sold you into slavery, which you worked your way out of?

What’s a person to do?!?! Continue reading Knocked Down

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Holding You Back

The only person holding you back is… Him. And her. And them. And us. — Shit Monster Says

The only person holding you back is… Him. And her. And them. And us. — Shit Monster Says

What’s keeping you from doing or becoming the great thing you were destined to do or become?

My, what a silly question!

The answer is E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!!!

Everyone’s holding you back!

If it weren’t for them, you’d be [insert whatever] by now.

But instead, your life plans haven’t panned out the way they were supposed to.

And it’s all…thanks…to…them!

I don’t know who the fuck “them” is, but trust me that I’m on your side. Continue reading Holding You Back

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¡Arriba, Arriba! ¡Ándale, Ándale!

¡Arriba, Arriba! ¡Ándale, Ándale!

I was looking at an older woman at the gym today, and while it’s great that she’s a regular, this thought popped up in my head.

I don’t know how old you are, but now’s the time to lose weight, get fit, whatever you want to call it.

N-O-W!!!

Why?

Because as you get older, your metabolism slows down and the rate of protein synthesis declines, making it much, much harder to burn fat and build muscle. That’s why NOW is the time to start, to lay the foundation for your later years.

N-O-W!!!

That means “ahora”, motherfucker!

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Monster Longe
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Movie Time

Movie Time

Are you interested in learning how to lose weight but you haven’t read any of my articles that detail some of the things you need to do because you’re more of a “I don’t give a fuck about reading” type of learner, which isn’t really true because the truth is that you’re just lazy?

If that’s the case, then boy do I have something for you with the feature presentation below.

So turn down the lights.

Grab some popcorn.

Cozy up to your loved one.

Oh, don’t forget to set the mood by also inviting your friends over.

Yeah, the friends with a young child so you can have the full movie-going experience of muttering under your breath at the dickhead couple inconsiderate enough to bring a baby to a motherfucking theater.

Enjoy!

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Monster Longe
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*Toot Toot*

*Toot Toot*

Not to toot my own horn…

*toot toot*

…but I can honestly say that I have one of the bodies that dreams are made of. If you follow my account on Instagram or know me in real life, then you know what I’m saying is true.

I’ve been at this for what will soon be 22 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

TWENTY-FUCKING-TWO!!!

So what theeeeeeee fuck makes you (yeah, YOU!!!) think that you’re going to have the body of YOUR (or anyone else’s) dreams in a few short weeks or months?!

What theeeeeeee fuck is wrong with you?!?!

Click THIS LINK and read the article.*

Then read it again.

And again.

And again.

Read it until you can recite the entire piece verbatim.

That’s how important its contents are to your success, you delusional, impatient motherfucker!

*The author is damn right he’s not a professional. The correct figure is 1-2 lbs. Anything more, and you’re losing muscle. The morbidly obese can be more aggressive though, at least in the beginning.

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Monster Longe
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