How To Get A Dream Body (And Lose The Nightmare One You Have)
Why you’re reading this escapes me.
Maybe you were lured in by the snazzy title.
So I guess this is the part where I’m expected to actually deliver on the headline’s promise, that of telling you how to get a dream body.
¡Aye carumba!
What on earth have I gotten myself into?!
Hmmm…what to write?
What to write?!
Welp, since I have the body of a young Adonis, brilliance of Einstein, and the all-important charm of Josef Stalin, I reckon that it only makes sense for you to have been magnetically drawn to me so that I can provide you with pearls of wisdom so you too can someday have a dream body of your own — which, unfortunately for you, will still pale in comparison to mine.
So here goes nuffin’…
As everyone knows, I’m a globetrotter.
It just so happens that a few years ago I went backpacking across the Himalayas to seek out the advice of this hermit guru I’d first heard word of in Rome during our annual Illuminati shindig.
To do what?
You know, to go over our plans for world domination for like the bazillionth freaking time.
<yawnnn>What a bore!</yawnnn>
Aaaaaanyways, after my long and arduous climb to the mountaintop, with my braving a few avalanches, my guide dying along the way, and several other hardships I shan’t bore you with because I’m soooooo tough that being half-frozen, oxygen deprived, and starving is barely significant to lil’ ole me, I saw this world-renowned knower of all shit meditating in front of a fire.
Not wanting to disturb this all shit knowing puba, I waited…
…and waited…
…and waited some bloody more.
After what felt like eons, this shit knowing son-of-a-bitch finally took notice of me and asked what my question was.1The wait was only 59 seconds. I’m impatient. SUE ME!!!
What do you think I wanted to know? The meaning of life? What happens when we die? How the pyramids were built? Are we alone in the universe? Why didn’t Pete Carroll give Marshawn Lynch the ball on the 1 yard line?2The puba of shit knowing has the answer to all those mysteries of the world, except of course for why the Seahawks coaching staff elected to throw rather than run the ball. Even he has no explanation for that!
NO!
While those are all good questions, I was there to ask him something ever more mysterious, something that has baffled many a mind since forever ago.
That’s when I looked that all-wise shit knower dead in the eye and asked the all-important question.
I’m here to learn how to get a dream body. Like, dude, what’s the secret?
– me, on behalf of all mankind
Wanna know what he said?
Well, lean in closer.
That’s close enough, partner…we don’t know each other like that!
*steps taken back*
Well, the know-it-all summoned me forward and grumbled
One who seeks the body of their dreams is one who does the things necessary to have the body of their dreams.
– him speaking in riddles in true hermit guru trope fashion
That’s when it dawned on me.
I can’t have the body I want unless I stop eating so much shit.
Nor can I have the body I want unless I go to that place with heavy ass weights and *gasp* lift…those…heavy…ass…weights!
Who’d a thunk it?!?!
The secret to a dream body isn’t a magic pill, potion, elixir, or ointment.
The super-duper secret to getting big, losing fat, having shapely glutes, being curvaceous, looking so hot that people forgive your dickish personality or cuntish behavior, is hard work and consistency.
Now go to the motherfucking gym, you slackers!
AND STOP EATING SO MUCH SHIT!!!
