Calories Burned During Sex
You really put in that work, huh?
Yeah, you really lay it down in the bedroom!
Look at that…
By “put in that work”, you knew I obviously wasn’t talking about your job because we both know you don’t have one!
Anyway, how good of a workout are you getting on those rarer and rarer occasions that you can actually get hard or wet enough to go to work?
Well, let’s take a look at the numbers!1NOTE: The following numbers will vary from session to session and person to person because of a combination of factors that include weight, intensity, position, and body movements.
68
The number of calories that are burned per hour kissing as both of your foreheads, noses, and teeth clumsily bump into each other and you try to figure out if the kissing is so bad because they’re a bad kisser or because you’re the one who’s a bad kisser.
100
That’s how many calories per hour are burned when giving a handjob that’s nothing more than you trying to build a campfire thanks to all the friction you’re creating as you violently mash the shit out of your partner’s genitalia with no form of lube, lotion, or spit.
100
That’s the amount of calories that are burned per half hour during oral sex, as in when a dude tries to find the clitoris, which we all know doesn’t exist, or you’re doing all kinds of death-defying tricks with your mouth just seconds after saying “I’ve never done this before.”
69
Get your mind out of the gutter, you lil’ freak! That number is not in regard to your favorite sex position but rather to the amount of calories women burn during the average amount of time that couples have sex, which is about 25 minutes.2You?! Have sex for 25 minutes?!?! HA!!!
101
That number you see is how many calories men burn when having sex.3I’m sure you’ve noticed that the calorie burn for men is far more than what women burn during the same 25 minutes. Some might say it’s because men typically weigh more than women so they expend more energy when performing the same physical activity. Sure, we could say that…or we could just be honest and say that most women just lay there like a dead fish because they’re either inexperienced or lazy. Yeah, you being inexperienced is rich! So that clearly doesn’t apply to you. But whatever the case, men burn more calories because they do most of the work in bed, like is the case with everything in society. Zing!
The benefits of sex are many.
For instance, it helps with stress relief, boosts the immune system, lowers blood pressure and heart disease risk, strengthens the pelvic floor muscles and improves bladder control among women, and may ward off prostate cancer in men.
Based on the above findings from several studies, such as one consisting of 21 heterosexual couples and published in PLOS ONE by researchers at the University of Montreal, sex also has the added benefit of calorie burn.
However, while calorie burn does occur during sex, it isn’t as great as people would like to believe, as the average amount of calories burned while fucking or getting fucked pales in comparison to the 276 calories burned by men and 213 calories burned by women when working out for a length of time that’s almost equivalent to how long the average couple has sex for. So just like how the person you’re stuck having sex with won’t replace your favorite vibrator or pocket pussy, sex won’t replace an actual workout but it does count for something.
Glossary: calories, intensity, muscle, work out, workout
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