Why Cardio Is Bad For Weight Loss
Wanna lose weight?
That more than likely means that you’re thinking about doing a bunch of cardio bunny shit. You know, stuff like running outside or in place on a human hamster wheel for hours on end. That’s what you’re thinking of doing, right?
Yeah, of coooouuuurse I’m right!
Now that we’ve established that I can read your mind, you also don’t plan on picking up a single weight. Right? Don’t worry, your refusal to respond is confirmation enough!1The course of action you’re about to take is what’s been beaten into our heads that we have to do to lose weight. As such, some would say that me knowing to a tee what you’re planning to do is no great guesswork on my part.
*sigh*
It’d sure be nice if you people just accepted that I’m omniscient. That way, you wouldn’t keep embarrassing yourself every time you doubt my ability to accurately tell you what you’re thinking, like what you’re thinking at this exact moment. And what are you thinking right now?
Well, at this exact moment you’re saying to yourself that I’m absolutely wrong and that you weren’t thinking about any of this shit at all.
See, I know your fucking thoughts!!!
Well, your idea is genius and you should take ownership of it because cardio burns more calories in less time than weightlifting.
Yeah, your idea of relying on cardio and doing no lifting is tops!
…
Before you pat yourself on the back though, your genius idea is also sorta, really, totally, very stupid.
Know why?
Because doing cardio without lifting for as long and as often as you’re thinking of doing it doesn’t just burn calories but also muscle as well, which is bad!
How bad?
BAD!!!
Losing muscle isn’t such a genius idea because muscle is what helps you burn calories around the clock. See, muscle is a metabolically active tissue that requires a shitload of energy to maintain it.2Every physical activity you engage in, from picking your nose to walking, places stress on your muscles. As such, the muscles are in a constant state of turnover. That is, there’s ongoing repair of the damaged tissue that’s broken down from everyday living, as well as that imposed by other stressors, such as weights. So the more muscle you have, the more calories your body burns even when you’re doing nothing.3In other words, muscle is a resource hog like poor people are with the draining of our tax dollars on public assistance, at least according to the rich, many of whom hire fancy accountants to find ways to pay as little taxes as possible, if any at all. But anyway, because I too will be filthy rich someday despite the data saying otherwise, let me continue going against my class interests and join in with the rich when they say, “Fuck poor people!!!”
So if muscle helps you burn calories throughout the day and doing cardio and no lifting will help you lose it, what’s going to happen when you have even less muscle than you already have?
Yup, you guessed it!
What’s going to happen is that once you stop dieting and doing as much cardio as you plan on doing, you’re going to gain the weight back and more though you’re eating fewer calories than your once larger self.
Care to guess why?
Yup, because your body will have proportionately more fat and less muscle than before your cardio bunny shit!
So yeah, real genius!!!
Cardio, not strength training, is what immediately comes to mind when the thought of weight loss pops up.4The first thing that people think of doing is moving around more, which is interesting because physical activity of any sort isn’t needed for weight loss. Simply not putting so much shit in your mouth is all that’s necessary.
Yes, that means exactly what you think it means, which is that exercise is overrated!
*gasp* But given muscle’s importance, that probably definitely shouldn’t be the case.
Rather than centering your weight loss effort around cardio to the detriment of weights, it’s strength training that you should place the emphasis on. And if you do find yourself compelled to do cardio because it’s so hard to undo the years of brainwashing telling you about its importance for weight loss, then (1) save it for after you lift, (2) bump up the intensity, and (3) cut down on the length of time and number of days that you do it for.
…
Oh, come again now?!
What did you just say?!?!
You’ve found that information helpful but my mind-reading powers we’ve already established as otherworldly aren’t what they’re cracked up to be and you really want to do cardio for health, not vanity, reasons? We both know you wanting to do cardio for your health isn’t true because you’re shallow as fuck, but I’ll amuse you and play along…
Now, even if you wanted to do cardio because you gave a fuck about your health (which you don’t), you’d still be better off lifting weights because, according to stupid science and the stupid people who do it, weightlifting is more effective at reducing heart disease risks than cardio.
So yeah, stop running away from weights!!!
Glossary: calories, cardio, diet, fat, intensity, muscle
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