Why You Should Get Enough Sleep

You’re #teamnosleep, huh?

So you’re always on the grind and don’t have the time to do that shit that poor people do, which is to rest, huh?¹The reason why you stay up late every night has nothing to do with you trying to be a super-duper entrepreneur. Instead, you’re spending the midnight hours doing dumb shit like watching TV or stalking your ex who was smart enough to break things off with you. My humble apologies for trying to paint you in a better light here!

Well, that’s why you’re fat!

…and ugly, too.

Nah, your genes are why you’re ugly and no amount of sleep will help you in that department!

But your weight?

Studies have found that people who sleep fewer than seven hours a night are heavier than those who sleep more.²The weight gain has to do with lack of sleep making the body insulin resistant, which means that most of what you eat gets stored as fat instead of being used as energy. Research also shows that those who sleep less eat as many as 500 extra calories the next day.³Overeating has to do with lack of sleep elevating ghrelin, the hormone responsible for hunger.

NOTE: That’s “hunger” in the physical sense, not in the metaphorical sense of you having the ambition and drive to stay up into the wee hours of the morn actually working on your dreams rather than sitting outside of your ex’s apartment every night because the third restraining order wasn’t enough of a message. I know, love is patient…but c’mon!!!

So yeah, if not being as fat as you are is what you want to be, then you might want to get enough sleep!⁴NOTE: Disregard the suggestion to sleep more in favor of continuing to sacrifice sleep to stay late and take on more work if you find the stagnating wages and decreased benefits that you’re compensated with to be more than enough proof that productivity breeds prosperity and isn’t just something said by those at the top of the economic hierarchy to make it seem like their position is one owed merely to hard work and not, say, race, inheritance, or nepotism so people like you on the lower rungs of the social ladder don’t question the economic order brought on by unfettered capitalism and how it limits upward mobility.

As for you being so ugly…

You’re gonna have to look into plastic surgery or go back in time and stop your parents from banging each other!!

Glossary: calories, fat, hormones