Super Bowl Food Facts
Today is the day of the Super Bowl, the title game for the sport of American football, which is logically played with very little use of the feet.1This is in stark contrast to the sport of football that’s enjoyed by the rest of the savages around the world, as those filthy savages play it with the exclusive use of their feet because they aren’t civilized enough yet to use their hands.
The contest sees teams from the National Football League vie for the world championship.2Even though there’s absolutely no global element to the game because all the teams in the league are North American-based, it makes perfect sense that the title game is the “world championship” because fuck logic, as you’ll definitely figure out by the time you’re done reading this.
The game, halftime show, and premier of new commercials all make up a four-hour extravaganza that’s the most-watched event in the world.3Well, it’s the most-watched television broadcast only in North America, where the only people who give a fuck about American football are. But shit, it might as well be the world since North America is the only part of the planet that matters because that’s where the good ole U.S. of A is!
Behind Thanksgiving (or Illegal Immigration Day, which for some odd reason hasn’t caught on yet), Super Bowl Sunday is the second biggest food holiday of the year. So odds are high that you’re going to need a super bowl.4Yes, that’s a “super bowl” as in a huge toilet!!! *sigh* Please, do your best to keep up here!
Let’s take a look by the numbers!
2,400
The number of calories that the average viewer will take in from all the pizza, chips, beer, soda, nachos, guac, wings, and other food bombs during the Super Bowl telecast.5You’re included as an average viewer. As for all the food, it may very well be emotional eating in response to built-up frustration at not being able to figure out what Super Bowl is taking place because the games are labeled by Roman numerals in accordance with all the Latin that’s regularly spoken in your life. Wait, that’s not the case?! Whoa, what year is it? Oh, you mean to tell me it’s not 500 BC?!?!
121
That’s how many grams of fat you’ll eat while watching a broadcast that’s
• 36 percent players in tights standing around between plays and giving women a payoff for their man making them watch a game they don’t give two fucks about;
• 25 percent commercials that are trying too hard to be innovative and are exactly that — innovative at being bad;
• 11 percent replays from every angle imaginable of shit that just happened, like tackles, catches, runs, and blatantly obvious calls not made by the officials so the predetermined team that’s supposed to win does; and
• 8 percent live game play of players risking their present and future health and safety to provide you entertainment while you think they’re grossly overpaid for it because what they do isn’t “true labor”.
13,000,000
The pounds of crap produced and flushed as the game plays on, all of which places a heavy load on the sewage system, part of the country’s infrastructure that’s deteriorating like the nasal linings of the unlucky bastard who has to use the bathroom after you.6*sigh* You probably missed what I did there with “heavy load”. I know, this is writing at a level unmatched by many, but c’mon, people! Keep up!!!
26.2
That measly number is how many miles you’ll have to run to burn off all the crap you just spent four to five hours shoving down your throat.7Not to impugn that public school education of yours that I have every right to impugn, but 26.2 miles is the length of a marathon. Also, the miles you have to run is based on you being 175 lbs and running a 15-minute mile. I don’t know your weight but I definitely know you’re not running a 15-minute mile! I’ve seen and heard you wheezing up a set of stairs. And by “set of stairs”, I mean the curb from the street to the sidewalk, buddy!!!
After checking out those Super Bowl food facts, I can tell by the look on your face that you’re having second thoughts about pigging out and ruining your gains on this Super Bowl Sunday, one of the holiest of holy days!
And that’s all because of me!!!
So yeah, I just saved your life.
You’re welcome, fucking ingrates!
And that’s not all you can thank me for, ingrate…
Because the above was more than enough to scare you to want help surviving a Super Bowl party, what else you can show appreciation for are some of the holiday eating tips I have for you!
Glossary: calories, dietary fat
