How To Deal With Weight Loss Saboteurs
Finally eating better? Working out more often? Trying to make some other healthy change to your mess of a life?
Friends, family, people in your extended social network, can provide much needed support.
But beware…
Sabotage is afoot!
Where?
Here!
There!!
E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!!!
Who exactly are these motherfuckers weight loss saboteurs?
Well, there are, of course, the evil spawns of Satan who post motivational quotes on social media that’ll sabotage your fitness goals before or during your pursuit.1That right there, folks, is cleverly executed copy aimed at having you click the internal links and then spend more time on the site as you read further, which helps reduce my site’s bounce rate and makes you more educated. Win-win situation for both of us!
Besides on these here cyberwebs, you can find these saboteurs at the office, in your Bible study group, among your close friends, and *gasp* within your own family even.
Some of these people don’t really give a fuck about you, and some have your best interests at heart but still fuck up your attempt to better yourself. Regardless of their inner machinations, they make your life harder by guilt-tripping you into eating, drinking, or (not) doing something they know will interfere with your lifestyle change.
Have trouble pinpointing such a person?
No worries.
As always, I’m one step ahead of the curve.2Sheeesh, can you people do anything on your own?!
To help you along, do you know someone who says things to the tune of:
(A) you’re not as much fun as you used to be
(B) you deserve to treat yourself for all your hard work
(C) you’re shallow for wanting to make yourself more attractive
(D) there was nothing wrong with the way you looked before and they actually prefer the old you
(E) the time you’re spending in the gym is taking away from the time you’re spending with them so skip the gym and go out with them to lunch, dinner, or happy hour this one time
How did your mates stack up?
If you don’t have at least one hombre who’s said any of the above, then you, my friend, are doing something wrong! Bookmark this post and come back to it once you’ve lost some weight!
But you say you have a hater or two in your midst, now do ya? And you want to know how best to respond to the scoundrel(s) — other than growing some balls and telling them to go fuck themselves, I presume?
You sure have come to the right place for a mature handling of this matter!
Now, since you insist on being a grownup about dealing with saboteurs — but seriously, where’s the fun in that?!?! — you can…
Nah, fuck it.
You were blessed with two middle fingers for a reason, so make use of them!3*facepalm*
Why are you snapping your fingers at your haters?
Sure, the middle fingers are for rubbing against the thumb to create a noise that signifies to the person you’re snapping at that they’re nothing but a mere peon to you…but I meant for you to use them to flip these motherfuckers the bird, the other evolutionary purpose of our middle fingers!!!
*facepalm*
Yeah, the secret to dealing with saboteurs is the same as dealing with almost any other problem, which is to meet it head-on.
Sure, you may lose some friends by standing up for yourself but it’s to be expected. Fuck, you’re going to lose them anyway, as it just so happens that losing friends and losing weight go hand-in-hand like Catholic priests do with altar boys away to private “confession”.
*ahem*
According to a survey of Brits who dieted for over 18 months, the average respondent lost two friends for every stone lost.4Psst…hey, you…not to insult your intelligence, but a stone equals 14 pounds in real math.
Yeah, the poll was conducted by Brits on Brits — not Americans. So the validity of the findings requires questioning because everything not done by Americans is just backwards and not to be trusted. Like, how do we know that the respondents lost friends based on their weight loss alone? How do we know it wasn’t due to their cunty behavior? Bad breath? Horrible fashion taste? Their former buddy seeing their self-respect die in the friend zone after being refused sex? There are just too many variables at play to take the British study seriously!
Those points raised by you are very much true.
But let’s put our reservations aside for a moment and just accept the findings at face value.
Now, what can explain the development of distance and eventual fracturing of relationships?
Oh, nothing but human fragility!
Basic human fragility is the reason why those closest to you are more prone to act as weight loss saboteurs than anybody else.
For one, adoption of an active lifestyle is change that threatens the group dynamic.
A member’s clean eating, exercise routine, and gradual weight loss not only mean a disruption in normal get-togethers like Taco Tuesday, after work drinks, and Sunday tailgating, but the person’s refusal or scaling down of participation serves as a rejection of the group and its behavior. This perceived turning of the back also highlights the group’s bad habits and makes the members uncomfortable about their own involvement.
The frailty doesn’t end there, folks!
We all know that getting in shape can make a person more physically attractive, increase their confidence, and garner them more attention than usual. For slim associates who base their own self-esteem on comparing themselves to their token fat friend, this change can be problematic.
See, you losing weight and turning heads takes away from the comfort that your thin friends have in knowing they look better. Also, because they build themselves up through you, their self-image becomes threatened at the possibility of you exceeding them in attractiveness, dumping them as a friend once your social standing improves, and their intimate partner wanting to kick them to the curb and do more than simply slide into your DMs.
It’s this fear of change that breeds jealousy and resentfulness that either results in those closest to you undermining your diet and fitness goals to try and stop you from reaching them or their no longer choosing to associate with you.
What also comes into play with why many friends call it quits is that your new lifestyle makes you “boring” with what you can and can’t do or eat, not to mention that blabbering on and on about your new lifestyle is annoying as fuck.
So, yeah, if you’re going to lose friends anyway, then you might as well lose them with some dignity if they try to undermine you before they show themselves the door.
So how to deal with weight loss saboteurs?
I already told you, but you think I’m bullshitting.
Nah, homie.
There are no two ways about it.
If someone in your peer network can’t give you the encouragement to make a positive change in your life, then you need to dump them as soon as possible. I mean with such blazing speed that it’s only right you’re named an honorary member of the A$AP Mob!5Get it? The A$AP Mob is a hip-hop collective whose name is a play on the acronym for “as soon as possible” *sigh* How does the name A$AP Fuckoff sound?6 The stage name of every member of the A$AP Mob begins with “A$AP”, such as A$AP Rocky, A$AP Ferg, and A$AP Nast. It sounds mighty pleasing to my ear! How ’bout yours?
Oh, but you’re not that assertive, you say.
Well, you better be!
It’s either you muster the strength to put your foot down and do the A-Town stomp on your haters or allow the insecurities of others to derail you. Have enough respect for yourself not to let that happen, for these sabotaging douchebags to have the satisfaction of feeling better about themselves at your expense. Their getting you to fall off the wagon by eating dessert, missing a scheduled workout, or making some other poor decision are actions that serve them, NOT YOU.
Remember, it’s not your fault that your taking care of yourself and becoming smangable is making them look and feel a certain way about themselves, whether it be their own weight, bad habits, or self-image.
…b-b-but what if the saboteur is a loved one, like a husband, wife, some action on the side?
Excuse me, sugar plum, but why would the rules be any different?!
Your intimate partner says you’re abandoning them because you’d rather go for a jog than join them in some Chinese food and a Real Housewives of Dubuque marathon? Well, they clearly don’t want what’s best for you if they think their butthurt feelings far outweigh your being healthy and feeling good about yourself.
Oh, your intimate partner wants to keep you plump out of fear that you’ll get hot as shit and draw the eyes of the opposite sex? Well, they clearly have trust issues if they think you’re only with them out of convenience and will step outside of the relationship once your physical appearance allows you to trade them in for somebody better.7You are with them out of convenience and will leave them for somebody better, but for them to even accuse you of such a thing without even having any evidence is downright insulting!
Whatever the case, the same rules apply: either get support from those around you or they can get to stepping!
¿Comprende?
Now go handle your business!
But if you need to, throw on some Barry White first and learn how to put some bass in your voice.
I know, I’m just full of useful ideas!
Glossary: active lifestyle, diet, exercise, fitness, goal, gym, routine, work out, workout