How To Have A Healthy Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And whether you’re in an exciting new relationship or in a long-term one where all the thrill is gone, you’re expected to do some type of romantic shit.¹Psst…Valentine’s Day is February 14th, just in case you didn’t know. As for your wedding anniversary, significant other’s birthday, and other supposedly important dates, I’m not privy to that information so I can’t help ya!!!

Thanks to clever marketing about what constitutes romance and should be expected on V-Day, doing some type of romantic shit boils down to sweets and dinner.

But, ummmmm, there’s your diet…

How are you to show your love for your partner without fucking that up?!

By doing the following!²Oh, and you’re also in this predicament because you don’t challenge social norms and conventions, you damn sheep! Continue reading How To Have A Healthy Valentine’s Day

Super Bowl Food Facts

Today is the day of the Super Bowl, the title game for the sport of American football, which is logically played with very little use of the feet.¹This is in stark contrast to the sport of football that’s enjoyed by the rest of the savages around the world, as those filthy savages play it with the exclusive use of their feet because they aren’t civilized enough yet to use their hands.

The contest sees teams from the National Football League vie for the world championship.²Even though there’s absolutely no global element to the game because all the teams in the league are North American-based, it makes perfect sense that the title game is the “world championship” because fuck logic, as you’ll definitely figure out by the time you’re done reading this.

The game, halftime show, and premier of new commercials all make up a four-hour extravaganza that’s the most-watched event in the world.³Well, it’s the most-watched television broadcast only in North America, where the only people who give a fuck about American football are. But shit, it might as well be the world since North America is the only part of the planet that matters because that’s where the good ole U.S. of A is!

Behind Thanksgiving (or Illegal Immigration Day, which for some odd reason hasn’t caught on yet), Super Bowl Sunday is the second biggest food holiday of the year. So odds are high that you’re going to need a super bowl.⁴Yes, that’s a “super bowl” as in a huge toilet!!! *sigh* Please, do your best to keep up here!

Let’s take a look by the numbers! Continue reading Super Bowl Food Facts

How Long To Wait Between Sets?

Ahhhhhhhhh…so your set is over and you don’t know if that gives you enough time to take a leisurely stroll to the water fountain clear across the other side of the gym, though there’s one even closer by and you have a water bottle with you that’s still full of water.

Well, the answer to how long to wait between sets depends mostly on your goal!¹Other factors to consider include training experience, the type of exercise being performed, the order you’re performing your exercises, and the intensity of your workout. But I don’t have the time or interest to get into each particular situation, so nuh!!! *sticking my tongue out* Continue reading How Long To Wait Between Sets?

How To Save Money On Protein Powder

You’re broke.¹Excuse me, I meant you’re “financially unrealized”, a euphemism that softens the stigma of your economic condition by looking toward the future to suggest that what you’re suffering in the here and now isn’t poverty but just a simple case of not being rich yet.

The reason?²You mean, other than the crappy job you’re overqualified for but are stuck working because you can’t find a job in the field you accrued a load of student debt for because (1) the economy’s bad, (2) the labor market is oversaturated and you don’t stand out enough to differentiate yourself from everybody else, and (3) you lack the drive to start your own business rather than depending on someone else for employment?

Well, what’s making you broke is the protein powder that you’re not only buying when you can meet your protein needs with food but are also paying more for than you probably should!³Aargh, I did it again! I meant to use “financially unrealized” instead of being so politically incorrect by using the term “broke” to ground you in the economic present and remind you that you’re always going to be closer to impoverishment than the patrician interests you align yourself with on the off-chance that you’ll defy the odds and be as rich as them someday. My apologies!

So how do you save money on protein powder?

By way of your most favoritest thing ever, which is math, of course! Continue reading How To Save Money On Protein Powder

Eating Sugar After Working Out

Ever saw someone in the gym wolfing down jelly beans, gummy bears, or some other questionable item and thought to yourself “WHAT THE BLEEPITY FUCKING BLEEP?!?!”

I’m psychic, so of course you’ve thought that verbatim!

Well, there are two reasons why eating loads of sugar in the gym is a good idea… Continue reading Eating Sugar After Working Out