Healthy Sandwich Ideas

Before you make that popular sandwich packed with sodium, fat, and hundreds of extra calories, the first thing you should do is make your sandwich on whole-grain bread for the fiber that keeps you feeling fuller longer.¹

The next thing you should do?

Why, that’s to keep reading!

DUH!!!

Turkey Sandwich

Cold cuts are packed with sodium, as well as cancer-causing preservatives like nitrates and nitrites. Yeah, cancer! I know, yummy!!! But if that deliciousness doesn’t give you the Homer Simpson drool face for some weird reason, then lean toward fresh slices of gobble-gobble meat instead.

Egg Salad

Unless you’re white and have an unexplainable love for mayo to the point that you think peanut butter and mayo sandwiches in the American south and mayo flavored ice cream in Scotland aren’t culinary abominations, then use guacamole or nonfat yogurt to save yourself from the sodium and fat lurking in the room-temperature goo.

Tuna Salad

This has mayo in it, right? Then the same for egg salad applies here too! Use guac, nonfat yogurt, whole grain mustard, extra virgin olive oil, Balsamic vinegar. Basically, use anything but mayo, the ubiquitous condiment that’s slathered on every fucking sandwich like a fucking sandwich can’t be a fucking sandwich without it!!!

Peanut Butter & Jelly

Choose jam in favor of jelly to slow the release of glucose into the blood. And with all that work you’ve had done to your body, you and the word “natural” have no business together but you should use a natural peanut butter that contains only peanuts and salt — not added sugar, vegetable oils, and trans fat.

BLT

“BLT” is short for bacon, lettuce, and tomato. And bacon is a processed meat like cold cuts are. And we all know about cold cuts now, don’t we?! Yeah, cancer! If the deliciousness of that still doesn’t give you the Homer Simpson drool face for some weird reason, then swap out pork bacon for turkey bacon, a healthier alternative.

Grilled Cheese

American cheese is high in calories, fat, and sodium. So use a better nutrient profile cheese, like Swiss. But I understand. A grilled cheese sandwich is traditionally made with American cheese and as the proud patriot you are, a grilled cheese sandwich with American cheese is what you’re gonna make, dammit!!!

Ham & Cheese

Ham is another processed meat like cold cuts and bacon, also meaning it’s linked to cancer. I really don’t know what your hang-up is with cancer but since you seem to want to avoid it, you should make your ham and cheese with slices of uncured ham, which doesn’t have nitrates and nitrites added to it.

As you’ll have undoubtedly noticed, there were no sexually-based sandwich cracks. You know, nothing along the lines of someone getting sandwiched during a group-sex act like a spit roast or double penetration. Alas, the opportunity didn’t avail itself for the insertion of such sophomoric humor.

My humble apologies for the disappointment!

With all sincerity, I hope you were able to overlook that shortcoming and find enough value in the presented info to pick up a few healthy sandwich ideas to help you brown bag it.

And by “brown bag it”, I mean in terms of making a healthier sandwich and possibly putting it in a brown bag to bring to work for lunch — NOT how to place a bag over the person’s head you’re having sex with so you don’t have to look at their fugly face!!!

…and just like that, I’ve redeemed myself in your eyes with that sophomoric joke!

Glossary: calories, dietary fat, glucose

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer in San Diego. He has been lifting weights for +25 years and training clients in the gym and online for about half of that time. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys long walks and leaving buildings crushed and entire city blocks decimated in his wake.