Healthy Starbucks Orders

Are you one of the people who buys one or more of the 4 million coffee drinks that Starbucks sells every day?

I don’t know the statistics of how many of those drinks are sold in the morning but for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s when you get your coffee.

Well, you might be ruining your diet before you even start your day!

Depending on what you order at Starbucks, your daily coffee fix can be setting you back as many as 400 calories per drink, in addition to loads of fat and sugar.

Because you don’t have to give up coffee to manage your weight, what say you to learning a few tips to help you still enjoy it?

Good, glad you’re game!
⁣

Size

Order a Short (8 oz), Tall (12 oz), or Grande (16 oz) instead of the usual Slurpee cup that you go for that has its own ridiculous name.

Milk

Substitute whole, 2%, and skim milk with plant-based substitutes, such as almond, soy, coconut, or oat milk.¹If you can’t bring yourself to do that vegan shit because you’re a red-blooded American, then take your coffee black. If, however, you can’t even bring yourself to do that because you absolutely must partake in cow milk, then a way to enjoy it without it greatly affecting the calorie count or nutritional content of your coffee is to order it iced. When ordered like that, you get some of the flavor of the milk but at a lower cost to your waistline because the ice takes up some of the volume that’d ordinarily be occupied by the milk.

Syrup

Ask for 1-2 pumps and no more, which, if you’re a woman, is something you’ve never had to ask for but have received from a good amount of guys who’ve been unable to last for more than that number of pelvic thrusts during sex.²Another option is to order vanilla or cinnamon dolce syrup, both of which are the only sugar-free alternatives.

Whipped Cream

It’s better to go with no whipped cream but if you absolutely must have cloud vomit with your coffee, either ask for less whipped cream or, if ordering a cold coffee drink, replace it with cold foam, which is made from nonfat milk.

Toppings

Skip the caramel drizzle, mocha drizzle, chocolate chips, cookie crumbles, and other ingredients that can be added for extra flavor and decoration.³That’s it.

Yup, no funny jokes to be made about toppings and saying something about them in relation to the dominant tops and submissive bottoms of BDSM culture or the giving tops and receiving bottoms of lesbian or gay relationships. Yup, no childish jokes about toppings to be made here because that would be immature and we definitely can’t have that!

Sweeteners

Get the sugary taste without sugar by using sugar substitutes, like honey, Sweet N’ Low, Equal, SPLENDA, or Stevia Blend from Whole Earth because like the popular meme says about eating less sugar, you’re sweet enough already.⁴As we all know, it’s true if it’s on a meme!

Glossary: calories, diet, dietary fat

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer in San Diego. He has been lifting weights for +25 years and training clients in the gym and online for about half of that time. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys long walks and leaving buildings crushed and entire city blocks decimated in his wake.

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