How To Make Time For The Gym With A Busy Schedule
Oh, can’t find an hour out of your day to take your ass to the gym and do any of this weight training or cardio shit?
I understand, keeping the world safe from the evil hands of Cobra is a full-time job. Considering all you do for us, I think I speak for everyone on earth when I say, “Thank you for your sacrifice.”
…
But still, no excuses, slacker!
After all, we both know you’re fulla shit.
So to help you out, here are some quick tips on how to make time for the gym despite your oh soooooooo demanding schedule.
ONE
Instead of vegging out on reality TV, surfing Xhamster, or pretending to like the movie suggested by your Netflix-n-Chill fuck buddy, go to sleep thirty minutes earlier.1How many of you players out there have sat through some godawful flick that a chick picked just so you don’t blow your shot at getting some oral sex action? Yeah, we’ve all been there, buddy!
What for?
You guessed it!
So you can wake up thirty minutes earlier and take your ass to the motherfucking gym.
Working out in the AM before you begin your day guards against not being able to go later due to your boss working you like a slave. Or lil’ Timmy beating kids up for their lunch money and you having to go to another parent-teacher conference. Or you being sooooooo tired that you get home and plop down on the couch and are unable to get back up even though you really, really wanna go to the gym. Or whatever bullshit you usually come up with.
TWO
Gyms are like McDonald’s, Starbucks, and some woman you’d least suspect of having an OnlyFans account. There’s virtually one around every corner! So get a membership at a gym by your place of work and use your lunch break to get a quick workout in.
THREE
Everyone thinks you have to work out for hours on end to get results, but that’s not true. A quick workout is as good as a longer one, so long as you work out with increased intensity to make up for the reduced time.
What that means is to do more work in less time. So instead of doing one set and then doing absolutely nothing but watching time fly as you take your allotted rest, do another exercise movement for the same or different body part.
There are several ways to go about this, with the most well known being two movements performed back-to-back. A set of leg extensions and then hack squats, both of which target the quadriceps, would constitute what’s technically known as a compound set. A superset is two consecutive movements for opposing muscle groups. An example would be leg extensions paired with prone leg curls, which work the quads and hamstrings, respectively.
Raise the intensity even more by performing tri-sets, which are, that’s right, three exercise movements performed one after the other. If you’re more pressed for time, you could always group four exercises into a giant set.
Pressed for time to do your snail’s pace cardio for two hours? Then just perform intervals. For example, set the speed of the treadmill so it’s high enough to give you flashbacks of how fast you ran away from the last person you dated who wanted some kind of commitment out of you. Run on the treadmill at that speed for 30 seconds, then slow it down to a walk for 60 seconds. Repeat for a few rounds.
All of these intensity techniques can severely cut down the amount of time you have to be in the gym for. So while finding an hour’s worth of me time in your jam-packed schedule may be “hard,” no one is so busy that they can’t carve out at least 30 minutes for themselves before work, during lunch, or sometime after punching out.
FOUR
Hire a personal trainer.2Preferably me!
Why?
Ask yourself how many doctor’s appointments you’ve missed at the last minute. What about meetings with your lawyer? Accountant? Arms dealer? The answer is none, simply because time is money and those motherfuckers charge you for your flakiness and inconveniencing them.
The same logic applies here. Plunking down gobs and gobs of cash for fitness instruction at a set time and date gives you an incentive to make sure you take your ass to the gym or risk saying bye-bye to that money with nothing to show for it. Unless you’re so rich that you can afford to miss scheduled training sessions for some cockamamie reason, having money on the line should be enough of a kick in the ass for you to get your shit together.
Those are just a few tips for working out with a busy schedule.
But you?
Busy?!
BUSY WITH WHAT?!?!
Sure, you have a 9 to 5 but what about the sixteen hours in between?
It sure doesn’t look like you’re busy!
I know! I know!
Reposting grammatically incorrect memes on social media and creating a dynasty in Madden franchise mode are all-consuming activities but come the fuck on!!!
Because I speak bullshit fluently, what you’re really saying when you say you have no time to work out is that taking care of yourself just isn’t that much of a priority.
Giving a shit about your health and appearance isn’t for everybody, and there’s no shame in that.
Just be honest about it, if not with yourself then at least with others so we’re saved from hearing the crock of shit you come up with for not being able to do what we find ample time for during the same 24 hours that you have, motherfucker.
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