How To Have A Healthy Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. And whether you’re in an exciting new relationship or in a long-term one where all the thrill is gone, you’re expected to do some type of romantic shit.1Psst…Valentine’s Day is February 14th, just in case you didn’t know. As for your wedding anniversary, significant other’s birthday, and other supposedly important dates, I’m not privy to that information so I can’t help ya!!!
Thanks to clever marketing about what constitutes romance and should be expected on V-Day, doing some type of romantic shit boils down to sweets and dinner.
But, ummmmm, there’s your diet…
How are you to show your love for your partner without fucking that up?!
By doing the following!2Oh, and you’re also in this predicament because you don’t challenge social norms and conventions, you damn sheep!
THE DAYS BEFORE VALENTINE’S
Follow your diet to the exact letter, making sure to eat only the foods and/or amounts you’re supposed to.
ON VALENTINE’S
Eat that box of chocolates you gave your partner specific instructions to send to you at work so you could rub it in the face of your coworkers!
Eat that fancy prix fixe meal with that ridiculous Valentine’s Day upcharge at that chichi restaurant that you’ll have to surrender more precious moments of your life working at your dead-end job just to pay off!3Valentine’s Day dinner for two costs an average of around $100, with that amount increasing each year like virtually everything else…except wages. So yeah, that’s going to be a lot of overtime for you flipping those burgers!
Eat that chocolate syrup drizzled all over your partner that’s making quite the mess in your bed because you apparently didn’t think that idea all the way through!
Yes, eat all of that guilt-free!4Well, possibly guilt-free because you’re going to burn in hell if you’re having premarital sex. But other than that, have fun without shit weighing on your conscience!
THE DAY AFTER VALENTINE’S
Get back to following your diet to the exact letter, making sure to eat only the foods and/or amounts you’re supposed to.
What’s the most powerful force in the world?5Here’s a hint: it’s definitely not your bench press strength!
Ooooooooooh, did you just say gravity?
That would indeed be the correct answer were we living in a world where women didn’t always find a way to make shit about them so they could constantly be doted on but, alas, we don’t live in such a world! So no, the most powerful force in the world is not gravity.
The most powerful force in the world is love, and the post you just read can help you celebrate the only day on the calendar when you can possibly express your love and devotion for your partner!
NOTE: If you have stupid goals and actually want to celebrate V-Day without going completely off your eating plan, then you might want to check out some holiday eating tips to help you have a boring but healthy Valentine’s Day.
Glossary: bench press, diet
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