How To Deal With Cravings

I fully understand you wanting to learn how to deal with cravings.

Some of us are on a first-name basis with weed, coke, booze, and other substances. They have a hold on us and won’t let go!

But not you.

Nope, not you!!!

You’ve been grinding hard on your diet for a month, a week, a day, and temptation is calling you…

…in the form of a donut.

Yes, you’re a donut junkie!

In fact, you’re a donut junkie who, if need be, is willing to whore out their orifices to get their mouth on what’s often the pastry equivalent of one.¹Feel comforted by the fact that you’re not alone. Everyone likes donuts! Fuck, what’s there not to like about donuts when you can practice your rimming skills on the ones with holes and the cream filled ones bust all kinds of gooey goodness in your mouth?!?!

The problem with giving into your donut whoredom when a craving strikes is that one donut often turns into an entire dozen and then – BOOM!!! – you’re suddenly fat again. That sure would be a waste of grinding hard on your diet for a month, a week, a day. So what are you to do?

Well, these tips, techniques, and strategies might be a good place to start!

 

GIVE A RATING

Is the hunger real or is it in your head?

There are many reasons why you get hungry, but the sudden onset of hunger for a particular food is more often than not a sign of emotional hunger that’s brought on by stress, boredom, anger, sadness, depression, and other feelings. Contrast that with physical hunger, which comes on gradually and has no particular food calling your name. Instead, every and all kinds of food sound good, even veggies.²Yuck!!!

So when you have a hankering for something, it’s a good idea to ask yourself if what you’re feeling is real or in your head.

A hunger scale can help you do that.

 

If you feel like eating but you rate your hunger at 5 or above, then what you have is a craving. As such, you’ll survive without feeding your need!

If, however, you’re at 3 or 4, then eat.³Don’t wait until you’re at 1 or 2!!!

DRINK WATER

Word around town is that you’re easily confused, so what might be going on in your stomach is a sign of thirst — NOT hunger.⁴What else are people saying about you? All sorts of vicious rumors and innuendo that would shock the conscience! What exactly have they been saying? Sorry, but I most certainly will not repeat the slanderous things said about you because my mother raised me not to gossip.

Listen to it? Sure.

But to speak about people, even if it’s repeating to the person the vile things being said about them because they asked to know?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

So down a glass of water and wait for a few minutes.

If you’re not hungry after, then what you had was a craving.⁵The science? The hypothalamus regulates thirst and hunger, so it’s easy to misinterpret the signal for the former as the latter.

DISTRACT YOURSELF

A large part of cravings has to do with imagining the sight, smell, and taste of food, which leads to emotional responses.

So when a craving strikes, rather than allowing thoughts to run through your head about what the food looks, smells, and tastes like, and you seeing yourself eating and enjoying it, perform a visually immersive activity to block out those thoughts.

One thing that works is thinking of anything, such as vividly imagining yourself doing something pleasant.⁶Yes, your imagination is fairly limited, but ten seconds is all the time you need to spend thinking of anything — ANYTHING!!! — to make your cravings disappear. That is, thinking of doing something pleasant besides eating, of course!

Another option is using the visual images of any free game on your phone to crowd out the imagery of what you’re craving.⁷Yup, any of those free games on your phone that you’re too cheap to spend a whopping $1.99 on to remove the ads you always complain about! Hey, that wasn’t said with any snobbishness on my part. I know I’m usually an elitist, but I’m not looking down on you here. I’m too cheap to buy the ad-free version, too!!!

GO THE DISTANCE

Put some space between yourself and what you’re craving.

So if something in the kitchen is beckoning you, leave the house and go for a walk around your neighborhood.⁸Just remember to have your I.D. on you for when some nosy neighbor calls the cops on you because you look like you don’t belong on the block, which, let’s be fucking honest here, you actually don’t because there’s no way someone who looks like you should be able to afford a house in that community.

CLEAN OUT YOUR MOUTH

The munchies are smacking you across the face after your last meal of the day?

Then go through your dental routine of flossing, tongue scraping, brushing, and rinsing out your mouth with antiseptic.⁹Doing all that somehow won’t freshen up your breath because your mouth is that funky. On the bright side, it’s rumored that Beyoncé has bad breath. So if she can make it big despite that adversity, then so can you!!! Sure, she has talent and you don’t, but let’s not bog down an inspirational story with silly minutiae!

The odds are that you’re lazy. And because you’re so unbelievably lazy, when you clean your mouth after your last meal you’re more likely not to eat again until breakfast because your lazy ass isn’t going to want to go through the hassle of cleaning out your mouth again!

On the off chance that you’re not lazy or your dental routine isn’t so detailed that repeating it isn’t bothersome, another strategy you can try is teeth whitening strips.

Depending on the strength of the whitening agent, you may have to wear the strips for longer than 20 minutes, which is more than enough time for a craving to subside. But if the craving is still there when you take the strips off, you’re not really going to want to eat anything or else risk ruining the whitening effect.

THINK IT OVER

Rather than thinking about the immediate satisfaction of stuffing your face with what you’re craving, run over in your mind all of the long-term consequences.¹⁰For example, let’s say you have a hunger pang for hot dogs. Yeah, that’s a weird craving, but play along with me. I’m trying to paint a fucked up illustration here! Anyway, as I was saying, you want to shove the longest, juiciest wiener down your throat. Well, consider how fucked up your throat will feel when you’re done because your stupid fucking diet doesn’t have you used to shoving long, juicy wieners down your throat anymore. Yeah, perform that type of calculus!

DRINK COFFEE

Other than making you pleasant in the morning, one of coffee’s superpowers is appetite suppression. So if you’re so weak-willed that it’s not even a question that you’re eventually going to give into your craving, then get a cup of coffee beforehand. Doing so can help you eat less of the item you’re jonesing for.

MAKE A SWAP

Rather than reaching for sweets with added sugars and extra calories that spike blood sugar levels, you can reach for fruits.

Fruits?

Boring ass fruits?!

Yes, I said boring ass fruits! Boring ass fruits are naturally sweet and also contain fiber and protein that help slow the release of glucose and insulin into the bloodstream.

Mix yogurt with protein powder and let it sit in the freezer for 15 minutes. Voila! You have a substitute for ice cream that has a higher protein and lower fat content.

Want milk chocolate? Break off a few squares of raw, dark chocolate, which has less sugar and calories than the regular kind.¹¹Just make sure the dark chocolate is at least 70 percent cacao, the pronunciation of which makes much more sense than “cocoa”. Like, seriously, why is “cocoa” pronounced “coco”?! Why the fuck is the letter A silent?!?!

Care for some chips or cookies? For a fraction of the calories, you can fill the need for something sweet or savory with any number of the snack versions made for babies and toddlers.

Find a healthier alternative for whatever you’re dying to nosh on!

SUCK, BUT DON’T SWALLOW

Yes, that’s right…

Suck, but don’t swallow!!!

See, willpower is finite and you only have but so much of it. That’s why you become susceptible to making bad food choices as the day drags on, as all the decisions you make and the self-control necessary to see those choices through zap the brain of glucose, its primary fuel.¹²Examples of choices include getting out of bed at the sound of the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button. Going to work instead of calling in sick…again. Doing what you’re paid to do at your job instead of scrolling and looking at all the half-naked IG “models” who populate your feed because you don’t seem to know that hardcore porn is virtually free on the internet so there’s no need for you to get off to the comparatively G-rated shit these broads on IG are peddling under the pretense of female empowerment.

The power to do what you don’t want to do takes LOTS AND LOTS OF ENERGY!!! This is also another potential cause of cravings, as the brain signals to the stomach that it needs carbs, even when glucose is already present elsewhere in the body.¹³This happens for hormonal reasons that I won’t delve into here, but are explained in a link above that details the various reasons why cravings occur.

When in this state, you don’t have to actually consume food and the associated calories to supply the brain with glucose.

Nope!

Research shows that just swishing a sugary drink in your mouth and then spitting it out has the same effect as consuming glucose does in signaling to the brain regions associated with motivation and control that its needs have been met, helping to replenish willpower.

So the next time the odds don’t look good of you successfully fighting off a craving?

Yeah, suck but don’t swallow a sugary drink!¹⁴Wait, hold up…what did you think I was talking about when I originally said suck it but don’t swallow?!

Oh, really?!?!

Ewwwwwwwwww, you’re nasty!!!

Psst…slide into my email with your number, boo.

Do that and you’ll have the newfound strength to resist temptation.¹⁵This strategy also extends beyond cravings. It also works when your attention starts to wane on something, as study participants performed better on various tasks after drinking and spitting out a sweetened beverage.

Not in a place where you can spit? Or you’re just too classy?¹⁶You’re not. Or you’re just a natural-born swallower?¹⁷Please, for the love of everything holy, refer to the tail end of footnote #14! Sucking on hard candy and chewing a piece of gum were both found to deliver the same benefits as swishing soda. So yeah, do that, but only as long as the candy and gum are made with real sugar and not artificial sweeteners! If not, the shit won’t work!!!

FLEX

At the exact moment that you’re faced with the decision of whether or not to blow your diet on some crappy food that isn’t going to live up to your excitement for it, just squeeze your glutes together.

Fuck, it doesn’t even have to be your glutes.

Flex ANY muscle!¹⁸After conducting a series of experiments that put subjects through a range of self-control dilemmas that challenged their willpower, like making food choices at a local cafeteria, researchers found that “participants who were instructed to tighten their muscles, regardless of which muscles they tightened — hand, finger, calf, or biceps — while trying to exert self-control demonstrated greater ability to […] overcome tempting foods.”

CLOCK IT

Set a timer for 20 minutes, the amount of time that food cravings usually last.

If you still want to eat whatever you’re pining for when the time is up, then go ahead.

In most cases though, the urge will be gone.

3-BITE RULE

Eat whatever you want to eat but limit yourself to three bites of it.

Three small bites of cheesecake isn’t going to do as much damage as an entire slice, so by taking three bites you get some of the enjoyment without the deprivation of not partaking or guilt of consuming the whole thing.

Also, there’s some science at play.

With the first bite, you’ll find the food delicious. While good, the second bite won’t be as awesome as the first. By the third, your excitement for the food wanes, with the pleasure factor declining with each successive bite. This is what’s known as habituation and why three bites of indulgence are all you really need.

ENJOY

If you’ve been following your diet without fucking up, then go ahead and eat whatever you’re craving without feeling like a big piece of shit about it.

…but that’s only as long as you drink coffee beforehand!

JUST SAY NO

Exercise some control for once in your life by just waiting until you have a scheduled cheat meal because you have a goal and eating more than you should every time you get a craving doesn’t help get you closer to that goal no matter how healthy the alternative.

Yeah, maybe you can do that!

 

 

After all those tips, techniques, and strategies, you should have a better handle on how to deal with cravings.

And that’s food cravings!

As for your uncontrollable cravings for sex, other than telling you to email me to pass me your number, I can’t do anything about that, you sexual deviant!

Glossary: biceps, calories, cheat meal, diet, dietary fat, glutes, goal, hormones, motivation, muscle

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