Memorial Day Fitness Tips
So you need some Memorial Day fitness tips, huh?
After all, Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial start of barbecue season, when all the hard work in anticipation of summer can come undone — hard work that you began maybe a week ago because you’re so special the rule doesn’t apply to you that summer bodies are made MONTHS in advance in the fucking winter.
Sure, there are tips I can give you to make BBQ less damaging to your body, but let’s skip that.
So what Memorial Day fitness tips am I going to give you then?
Just one.
One measly tip that you can also apply to all other holidays.
And that tip is?!
Instead of showing your observance of this holiday by stuffing your face, how ‘bout you celebrate it the way it’s truly supposed to be celebrated?
Yes, the way ALL American holidays are meant to be celebrated.
Yes, that’s right…
…by shopping!
Take advantage of the shitload of Memorial Day sales and shop ‘til you drop, baby!!!1This is a capitalistic society. And consumerism is the engine that drives capitalism. So on this day, one of the most patriotic of the year, spend! Spend!! Spend!!! Be a patriot, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Burn those calories as you walk the malls!
Burn those calories as you shove to the ground that motherfucker who’s trying to get to that last discounted [insert bullshit product you don’t need] before you do!
Burn those calories as you dig into your pockets for money!
Burn those calories as you lug those bags to and from your car!
Burn those calories as you hide your purchases from your spouse who’s waaaaaayyyyyyy more financially responsible than you!
Burn those calories as you cry later thinking about the amount of shit you’re going to be in when your spouse sees the credit card statement at the end of the month because, as the waaaaaayyyyyyy more financially responsible one, they’re tasked with handling that shit.
I know, another great tip from yours truly.
What can I say, I live to serve!
If, for some strange reason, you need more help than this, like perhaps some holiday eating tips, then click the hypertext link!!!
Glossary: calories, fitness, summer
