Wines That Are Healthy For You

Responsible drinking is all the rage nowadays, so if you want to be a responsible drinker then you should probably choose a red wine.

Sure, white wines are usually lower in alcohol and calories than reds, but several flavonoids, polyphenols, and other antioxidant compounds that are more present in red wine are believed to reduce the risk of heart disease, lower cholesterol, ward off diabetes, prevent certain types of cancer, and slow the growth and formation of fat cells.

There are a variety of red wines on the market, so what follows below is a list of wines for you to choose from.¹Being that you lack a palette refined enough to discern notes, the list certainly isn’t based on taste, something that you won’t appreciate! Instead, in keeping in line with what this post is about, which is to make you a more responsible drinker, the ensuing list is comprised of the healthiest wine options in descending order of favorability!!!

RED WINES:

 

TIP: If you want something else, merlot, sagrantino, nebbiolo, tannat, and other dry reds will do. Choose them over zinfandels, maderias, ports, and other sweet reds!

NOTE (A):

The newer a wine is, the higher the antioxidant content. That means the cheap stuff will provide more of a health effect than a pricey vintage that you can’t afford, which you’re not cultured enough to appreciate even if you had the money to spend on wine older than a year or not sold in boxes, which you don’t.

NOTE (B):

For women, the recommended daily serving of wine is 4 to 5 ounces. For men, the recommended daily serving is 5 to 10 ounces because they have more of the enzymes that can break down alcohol.²How much proof is enough until women just admit that men are superior to them in every conceivable way?!?!

NOTE (C):

Don’t start knocking back glass after glass of red wine for its health benefits if your overall fitness and nutrition is garbage. Red wine should only be used to supplement — NOT supplant — a healthy lifestyle!!!³Also, drinking more than the daily recommended serving on a regular basis can have the effect of giving you health problems, not benefits, some of which include the risk of high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, liver damage, cancer, and weight gain.

NOTE (D):

Responsible drinking doesn’t have shit to do with choosing an alcoholic beverage based on its health benefits. Nope, that shit was just said here for jokes!⁴Responsible drinking has everything to do with drinking in moderation and not hopping behind the driver’s seat of your car while under the influence so you can plow into a vehicle and kill all of its occupants while you escape with barely a scratch on your body, as is often the case when people drink and drive. Don’t be an asshole!!!

You pour yourself a nice glass (or two) of wine every night once the kids are tucked in to help drown away the misery of having to deal with those little assholes all fucking day. Trust me, I get it. But these other judgmental pricks? Nah, not so much.

Well, thanks to what you’ve just read about the health benefits of wine you now have a better reason to explain why you drink and are this close to being an alcoholic.

You’re fucking welcome!

Glossary: calories, fitness, nutrition

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