Are Tortilla Chips Healthy?

Cinco de Mayo is fast approaching at the time of this writing. On that day you’ve been looking forward to all year to celebrate a Mexican culture you’re xenophobic about any other time of the year, you’ll don your sombrero and poncho and chug down glass after glass of tequila and beer like any self-respecting Mexican stereotype should.

As we know, the effects of alcohol on weight aren’t that great, especially when drinking large amounts of it like you and your gringo brahs plan on drinking and is why the fictive holiday is one of the most profitable outside of Christmas for liquor companies. To offset things though, at least you’ll be munching on an even larger amount of tortilla chips, a very healthy Mexican delicacy.¹FUN FACT: Tortilla chips were invented in Los Angeles, making them as authentic as I am when I tell people I care about them!

Is that really true, though?

Are tortilla chips healthy?

Let’s tease it out and see!

Apart from Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and your father still being on his way to the store to get a pack of cigarettes, your mother has never lied to you. And one of the things she told you is that vegetables are good for you. Well, since tortilla chips are made from corn and corn is a vegetable, then they must be healthy.

Right?

WRONG!!!

Tortilla chips are high in sodium and calories, making them fattening in large quantities. They’re also heavy in starch and have a high glycæmic index, meaning they increase blood glucose and insulin levels. This is a no-no because spikes in blood sugar and insulin raise the risk for heart disease, diabetes, and weight gain.

The nutritional facts about tortilla chips aren’t enough to deter you? Well, I have it on good authority that tortilla chips are Jennifer Aniston’s favorite snack and Kristen Stewart loves her some tortilla soup.

Jennifer Aniston?!

Kristen Stewart?!?!

Maaaaaaaan, if your penchant for tortilla chips puts you in that kind of company, then I don’t know what’s a good enough reason to avoid eating them!

…

Since I’m not hearing any argument out of you, you apparently agree with me that the last thing you should want to be in this world is anything like the two of those Hollywood darlings.

So what can you eat then?

In another case of white isn’t always better, blue corn chips are a healthier alternative to their white (and yellow) counterparts, as they have less starch, a lower glycæmic index, and 20 percent more protein, as well as more antioxidant properties.

Now, as true as it may be that blue tortilla chips are more nutritious than other varieties, thus making them the healthier option, the one thing to keep in mind is that all of these chips are fried. And because they’re fried, they’re high in fat and calories. As such, they make pretty crappy snacks for someone trying to be health-conscious!²Opt instead for veggie sticks, dehydrated fruits and veggies, edamame, baked chickpeas, air-popped popcorn, or, I know it’s crazy, only eat the recommended serving size of two or so tortilla chips.

But you know what? If not Cinco de Mayo, then what other special day of cultural appropriation is there for you to look forward to and enjoy?

That’s right, NONE!!!

So fuck your health and live a little!

*munch*

*munch*

Glossary: calories, dietary fat, glucose

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer in San Diego. He has been lifting weights for +25 years and training clients in the gym and online for about half of that time. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys long walks and leaving buildings crushed and entire city blocks decimated in his wake.

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