Cheap High Protein Foods

You not only want to start tracking your macros but you want to get them from healthier options than what you regularly eat, which is stuff that makes the gents at Epic Meal Time look like the paragons of health-conscious cuisine.¹Do you understand how fucking hard that is?!?! Better click that link and find out if you don’t! Damn, if only you knew some cheap high protein foods!

See, protein is the building block of muscle and does other helpful shit but it’s almost like you have to be a multi-gazillionaire to afford it.

Like, just look at the price of almost any protein-rich product.

Yeah, it’s expensive!

Why’s protein so expensive compared to carbs and fats? It has to do with the cost of production. For example, there’s the amount of feed needed to fatten up livestock for slaughter.

Anyway, with rent and utilities, student loans, and a mobile data plan, plus a car note, buying protein is a constant struggle for you.²There’s also restitution you have to pay for that shady shit you got caught doing not too long ago and library late fees still haunting you from when you used to read — never mind your living a double life that has you spending a few shekels on your main squeeze to keep them off your back while blowing gobs of money to spoil your side-dude or side-chick with extravagant gifts, luxurious vacations, and dinners at Michelin star restaurants. Fuck, not all of us are baller enough to have the disposable income left over to buy Wagyu steak, bluefin tuna, quail eggs, Ayam Cemani poultry, New Zealand whey protein, or stress-relieving milk from Japan’s Nakazawa Foods.

Being the compassionate soul I am, I feel your pain.

That’s why I’ve written you a grocery list of cheap high protein foods you can buy that should be able to fit into any underresourced person’s budget.³Back in my day before this P.C. culture era we’re living in where you have to give a fuck about other people’s feelings, I would’ve just called you a broke motherfucker. But nope, can’t do that now! So not to come off as offensive, I instead called you “underresourced”, which is just me calling you a broke motherfucker in a nicer way!

As a general rule, the unit price of anything usually lessens the greater the quantity of that anything you buy. Eggs are no exception. So if your local supermarket has them, you can save a pretty penny by picking up the 60-count case of eggs rather than the measly dozen. This should last you for an entire month, assuming that you eat two eggs per day.

Even better, if you’re one of those people who only eats egg whites because you can afford to ignore the fact that the yolk contains the majority of the protein and you think consuming it will increase your risk of heart disease — which isn’t the case — buying whole eggs and removing the yolk yourself is a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a carton of liquid egg whites.

But hey, buying liquid egg whites saves you from the extremely time-consuming and so very difficult task of cracking eggs and then separating the yellow from the white. And your time is money, baby! Right? I can’t wait until the day I too live a money-getting life that’s so hectic that I can’t spend a few seconds cracking a fucking egg because I’m busy getting so much moolah.

Rather than spending your hard earned dollars on the varieties with generous lean to fat ratios, which are pricey, go for the cheaper packages with higher fat content. Sure, it may be 80% lean meat and 20% fat, or something of the sort, but you can lower the fat content by collecting the oil that seeps out during the cooking process.

What you do is brown the meat then place it in a colander and allow the oil to strain out. Afterwards, run some water over the meat and also let that filter itself out. That should do. But if you want to remove even more excess fat, just lay some paper towels on the counter, pour the beef on top, and allow the paper towels to soak up the remaining grease. Voila!

I don’t know about where you live, but over here the supermarkets are always giving us the bird. No, I don’t mean them routinely giving us the bird in the way of their not making up their blasted mind if customers have to swipe their credit cards or insert them into the chip reader. I don’t mean it either in their rearranging the aisles once we finally start figuring out where shit is from the last time they moved shit around. Nope! I mean that they give us the bird because cluck-cluck meat is always on sale. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t see split chicken breasts advertised for a ridiculously low price.

I have a sneaky suspicion the same goes for your local grocer. So do yourself a favor and buy a couple packages in bulk, along with some freezer bags. Then take your ass the fuck home, get your seasoning game on, place the dead bird carcasses in the icebox, and make sure to use the meat within two months…or suffer the fate of eating dried the fuck out cardboard, a situation no amount of seasoning can remedy.

Chunk light tuna (not to mention yellowfin, albacore, and other types) comes high in protein and is an excellent source of omega-3 fatty acids, a dietary fat with a fuckton of health benefits that include but are not limited to reducing the risk factors of cardiovascular disease and some other shit I don’t really care to type out.

Chunk light tuna is already the bargain-basement of canned tuna fish but be sure to get the tuna canned in water if you want to pinch even more pennies because splurging on tuna in oil might be the difference between you having electricity next month or not.

Don’t like tuna?⁴Or, to be more specific, your significant other doesn’t like tuna because of what it does to your already funky breath. The same health benefits of tuna apply to pink salmon, jack mackerel, sardines, anchovies (yum!), and many other varieties of canned fish.

Moo juice is expensive as hell…said no one ever! Shiiiiittttt, I can’t remember the last time I looked at the price of milk and had an elderly moment. You know, when you raise your fist to high heaven, shake it violently in the air, and say something like “Back in my day, [insert item] used to cost a nickel!”

Besides the inexpensive price, milk is a good source of casein, a protein that slowly breaks down and enters the bloodstream. What that means is that your body is held in a state of nutrient absorption for hours, effectively creating an anabolic (i.e. muscle-building) environment. So ya trying to gain weight and don’t really give a fuck about some extra spillage? Then you should be guzzling down some of that sweet cow nectar. Stay clear of the udder sauce, though, if you’re on the other side of the spectrum and trying to lose fat.

Sometimes you’re in a rush or don’t feel like slaving in front of a hot stove.⁵Or, even though a woman’s place is in the kitchen, you did something to piss off the lady in your life to the point that she can’t be bothered to do her earthly duty and cook for you. Other times, you just can’t meet your daily protein requirements with food alone. That’s where protein powder comes in, but not just any ole protein powder.

There are many different types and forms of protein powder out there. Supplementing — NOT supplanting — your protein intake is a job for whey concentrate. Made of the most basic and readily available type of protein on the market, whey concentrate has the distinction of having the cheapest cost per gram of protein of any source. Moreover, the bigger the container of protein powder, the easier it is on the pocketbook as the cost per servings decreases.⁶Remember that jazz I began with about quantity and unit price?

It’s doubtful that your local supermarket has huge ass protein tubs, so your best bet is to hop online for even greater discounts. Then when that 20 lbs bag or canister arrives on your doorstep, watch how far your dollar stretches as that shit lasts and lasts. But that’s with liberal use, of course. So don’t get the shit delivered to your door and then act surprised when you’re all out of protein a day later after looking like Tony Montana diving face first into a mountain of powder on your desk. Get cocaine for that!

ADDITIONAL ITEMS:

Whether trying to bulk or lean out, building muscle is the primary objective. And to do that, you need you some protein. Lots and lots of it. But alas, while carbs and fats can be had for dirt cheap, protein is the most expensive macronutrient there is. It’s due to both importance and cost that the supplied grocery list centers around high protein foods.

Okay, you say, but where are the nuts, peanut butter, legumes, and seeds? They’re commonly listed as giving good bang for the buck when it comes to protein, so why are they excluded here?

Good question!

Nuts, peanut butter, and seeds are not on this shopping list that has protein as the highest priority because their amount of protein to fat is actually low, thus making them more ideal sources of fat — NOT PROTEIN!!! As for beans and legumes, the protein-to-carbs ratio skews heavily in favor of carbs, making them ideal sources of carbs — NOT PROTEIN!!!

Unless you want to, you don’t have to get a third job, sell an organ, or don a rubber Nixon mask and stick-up a bank with a couple of your surfer buddies.⁷Neither do you have to sleep with your boss to get that raise or go into a men’s bathroom stall with a hole cut out of it and whore out your mouth for a few extra dollars before going grocery shopping. But hey, if that’s what you wanna do… It’s a free country!

Nope, you can make gains by other means!⁸Psst…with this list of cheap high protein foods.

You just need to check the weekly circulars for sales; buy in bulk or stockpile like you’re Doomsday prepping for the certain Armageddon that will be the presidency of either 2016 electoral candidate; cruise around town for better deals; spend your Sundays at your dinette table clipping coupons as you shake your head wondering how your life came to that; buy generic label products; and use that compartment above or beside your refrigerator that makes stuff really, really cold so you can use that stuff at a later date.

You know, do the shit any other underresourced person in your position would do!

Glossary: bulk, dietary fat, fat, muscle

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer in San Diego. He has been lifting weights for +25 years and training clients in the gym and online for about half of that time. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys long walks and leaving buildings crushed and entire city blocks decimated in his wake.

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