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Adobe Gains

Adobe gains

noun [uh·doh·bee geinz]
when a pic is subjected to Photoshop sorcery to make the person in it appear in better shape than they actually are because no one who runs into them in real life will ever look at them and think, “Hey, this motherfucker looks nothing like how they look on their social media feed that I can easily pull up on my phone right now and do a comparison with!” see also: GOOD IDEA

Example of Adobe Gains in a Sentence
Remember the SHREDZ scandal from a couple years ago when one of their fitfluencers, Devin Physique, was exposed for having Adobe gains?

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Why Pizza Is So Good

Why You Love Eating Pizza written in text with image of a woman opening a box of pizza and smelling the aroma with joy on her face.

Why Pizza Is So Good

Why You Love Eating Pizza written in text with image of a woman opening a box of pizza and smelling the aroma with joy on her face.

Do you love pizza?1I know, it’s a dumb question. But please bear along with me as I proceed to ask even more dumb ones.

Do you love pizza so much that you might possibly be the long-lost fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?2Why the look on your face? What part of me having even more dumb questions to ask didn’t you understand?!?!

Do you love pizza enough to do some sketchy shit for it in a dark alley?3I mean, even sketchier than the shit you already do!

Those are all rhetorical questions because of course you love pizza!

Well, considering that 13 percent of Americans eat pizza on any given day and 350 slices are eaten every second, you’re not alone in your affinity for Italy’s only contribution to mankind other than Machiavelli and the subject matter for mob flicks. Fuck, others love the stuff, too!

So wanna know why you and everyone else loves the za so much?

That’s another rhetorical question because of course you wanna know why you love the za so much! Continue reading Why Pizza Is So Good

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ATP

ATP

abbr [ey·tee·pee]
1. adenosine triphosphate (a nucleotide that’s the main source of energy for many cellular processes, such as the muscle contractions necessary to get off your ass and go do something active, which is shit that you never seem to have the energy for). see also: IRONIC

Example of ATP in a Sentence
It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that my ATP, the body’s battery, has a very, very slow charging time!

 

2. otherwise known as the body’s energy currency for a reason that can be explained by comparing the way energy gets stored and transferred in the body to the way money gets deposited and withdrawn from a bank but, luckily for you, won’t be explained that way because that metaphor will fly over your head because your broke ass can’t relate to it. see also: SALARY

Example of ATP in a Sentence
ATP is generated in mitochondria. Yes, the production of ATP, the energy molecule that’s the common component of many reactions, takes place in mitochondria. Ahhhhhhhh, I see the light bulb is going off in your head now as to why mitochondria is called the powerhouse of the cell, which is the ONLY thing you remember from biology class. Well, that is, it’s the only thing you remember other than the abject boredom because that shit was a total snoozefest!

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The Health Effects Of Eating Out

The Health Effects Of Eating Out written in text with flat overlay image of various plates with restaurant food on them.

The Health Effects Of Eating Out

The Health Effects Of Eating Out written in text with flat overlay image of various plates with restaurant food on them.

If the herpes sore above your lip is any indication, you already know one of the health effects of eating out. But given that you’re gaining weight and can’t seem to place your chubby little finger on where the pounds are coming from, it appears that you don’t know another.

Right?

Well, if you’re anything like the average American adult, you eat out a lot.1Unlike in the opening, I’m using “eat out” here to mean the consumption of food away from home — NOT in regard to your oral sex habits! That’s for starters. Secondly, you’re included as an “average American adult” despite your protestations that you’re not as average as you are. Last of all, I use the term “adult” here very loosely because your behavior is by no means indicative of one!

When I say that you eat out a lot, I mean as often as 4 to 5 times a week. Yeah, you can’t stand the taste of your own cooking that much!2We can more than likely blame most of your inability to find your way around the kitchen on the elimination of home economics classes in many school districts across the country as a result of budget cuts. The rest of the blame? It can go to your parents not liking you enough to want to hang out with you more than necessary to teach you shit.

While not having to eat your own cooking is good, what’s bad is that restaurant food is generally higher in calories, saturated fat, sugar, and sodium than home cooked food. That goes for the grub at chichi spots as much as at fast food joints. Compounding the poor nutritional content are the portion sizes, which are often worlds apart from the recommended serving size.

Still can’t see the problem with you going to such great lengths to avoid your own cooking, none of which I can blame you for?

Okay, let’s try this…

Eating just one meal away from home each week increases daily intake by about 134 calories and comes out to a weight gain of two extra pounds per year. Now you do the math if you eat out more frequently!

That, my friend, explains the mystery of your weight gain!!!

Now, I understand how important your appearance is so all you care about is what I told you about restaurant food fucking that up for you, but eating out has actual health effects. Continue reading The Health Effects Of Eating Out

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Active Lifestyle

active lifestyle

noun [ak·tiv lahyf·stahyl]
a way of living that integrates physical activity into daily life so movement is performed throughout the day; important for staying healthy and living longer to spend even more years of your life working to make the ownership class richer thanks to the high cost of living, erosion of private sector unions and traditional pension funds, and dwindling social security payments. see also: TERRIBLE SELLING POINT

Example of Active Lifestyle in a Sentence
After my doctor ran down some reasons why I need to start living a more active lifestyle, I politely told him to go fuck himself because I’m here for a good, NOT a long, time.

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