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How Do You Start Working Out?

How Do You Start Working Out?

Q: I want to start working out but hiring a personal trainer to show me what to do is out of the question because I’m broke. None of my friends are into working out either, so having them show me what to do is also out of the question. Given those challenges, how do I start working out without the risk of going viral from doing an exercise so wrong that everyone in the gym whips out their phone to record me and post it online? Continue reading How Do You Start Working Out?

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Metabolism

metabolism

noun [muh·tab·uh·liz·uh m]
1. the sum of the things the body does to turn food into the energy needed to perform a myriad of functions, like thinking, breathing, and contracting every other muscle than the target muscle that should be involved in a lift but isn’t because you lift like your name is Branch Warren when your name clearly ISN’T Branch Warren. see also: GOOGLE SEARCH

2. the rate at which you burn calories, which, in your qualified medical opinion, you think is running slow and is why you can’t lose weight because you changing little, if anything, about how much food you eat certainly — CERTAINLY!!! — can’t have anything to do with it. see also: FULL RETARD

MORE WORDS

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Mamma Mia!

Mamma Mia!

My client’s daughter started using Sweet Sweat, something the mother shared in my disagreement with, with the mother herself saying that topical thermogenics don’t work because it’s not possible to spot reduce (i.e. target fat loss in a specific area of the body) and they only help you lose water weight that you’ll regain once you drink fluids and replace the ones lost through sweat.

Well, maybe the mother didn’t say it exactly like that, but you get the point!

Anyway, guess what?

In another exciting episode of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up“, the daughter tells me today that someone just bought TC1, a motherfucking fat burning cream — with that “someone” being her mother.

Yup, these are my clients!


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Monster Longe
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When She’s Unfaithful

When She’s Unfaithful

So I’m at the gym.

As a client is telling me how good she’s doing with her food choices, her father, who doesn’t know what the fuck we’re talking about, walks up to us and shows me pictures of the cinnamon rolls he baked that he was about to go home and eat. He then asks if she wants him to save her some because she had seemed to really enjoy them the other night.

Yes, I found out she cheated on her nutrition right as she was telling me how good she was doing with it!

I swear you can’t make this shit up!


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Client Appreciation

Client Appreciation

A client was going out of town and asked for my advice on what she could do so she didn’t come back the worse for it. Because that’s kinda what I’m paid the big bucks for, I spelled out several things for her to do.

After giving her the advice she so desperately wanted, guess what?

Yup, she ran down a list of reasons why she couldn’t do any — not even ONE!!! — of the things I told her to do.

It’s clients like you, boo-boo, that make this job sooooooooooooooooo rewarding!

For all that you do in making my job as fulfilling as it is, allow me to thank you from the bottom of my merciless heart with the workout I put you through when you come back.

*thumbs up*


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