Category: Bad Advice

How Often Do You Eat Out?

Q: Do you eat out? And if you do, how often? Yeah, I got straight to the point of my question without beating around the bush like these other motherfuckers do when they preface with ancillary shit that you don’t give a fuck about and more than likely skip past and don’t even read, just like how you’re not reading this right now because you stopped reading once I asked my fucking question. But here I am still typing away…

A: Do I eat out?!?!

My, that’s a rather personal question!

All I’ll say to that is…

…have you seen these lips? These lips were made for eating out!!!

Now, in the interest of steering this inquiry away from my oral sex habits and towards the realm of fitness and nutrition, as all questions should be limited to, I’m going to pretend that your question is in regards to restaurant food and whether or not I eat it regularly.

The answer to that is no!

Food away from home (i.e. restaurant and fast food shit) is often the biggest contributor to a lot of people’s weight gain because it’s generally high in calories, sodium, sugar, and fat, of which the portion sizes are humongous.

So how do I avoid the trap of having to eat that shit when I’m out? Continue reading How Often Do You Eat Out?

What Are Some Exercises To Shrink The Waistline?

Q: I’ve seen a video of you working out with your muscles all big and bulging and you glistening in sweat. Maybe upon the 100th time of my viewing it, I was suddenly interrupted by your waist as I was…ummmmmmm…taking care of business. I noticed that it’s very, very tiny. What are some exercises to shrink the waistline? Thanks! Oh, and post more workout videos on Instagram. They make for very good…ummmmmmm…instructional material. Yeah, that’s it, instructional material!

A: Thanks for finding me worthy masturbatory material, which is what the fuck you’re getting at but are too ladylike to say — even though you and I, and him, and that guy over there, and every player on the football team from your high school and college days all know you’re not a fucking lady!!!

Now, as for how to get your waist smaller. You’ll be happy to know that I’ve spent countless days and hours compiling a list of exercises that’ll help you lose inches off your tummy.

Interested? Continue reading What Are Some Exercises To Shrink The Waistline?

What Are Some Belly Burning Foods?

Q: I’m trying to get sexy. I know, is it even possible to get sexier than I already am? Well, that’s what we’re about to find out! Anyway, because I have ABSOLUTELY no interest — NONE AT ALL!!! — in doing any of the requisite work to change my body, what are some belly burning foods that’ll burn the fat for me?

A: What foods to eat to burn belly fat?

Ooooooooooooh, I bet you’re patiently waiting for me to tell you to drink coffee or eat chili peppers for their active substances (caffeine and capsaicin, respectively), which can rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.

Ooooooooooooh, I also bet you’re waiting for me to tell you to eat more protein-rich foods because the body expends more energy (i.e. burns more calories) processing protein for digestion, absorption, and disposal than it does the other macronutrients, which can help rev up the metabolism and melt the pounds away.

I bet you’re waiting with bated breath for me to tell you all sorts of foods that not only rev up the metabolism but also build fat-burning muscle, block the formation of fat cells, trigger the release of fat from cells, and boost the breakdown of fat.

<fingers crossed>Well, don’t wait too long because, you know, I wouldn’t want you to suffocate!</fingers crossed>

I’m not going to do any of the shit that’s expected of me because, first of all, I’m fucking defiant.

Second, there aren’t any foods that are going to burn fat by you just eating them, which is what you (and others) are looking for when you ask this question.

Nope, there’s nothing that exists that melts fat off by you just opening your mouth and swallowing…

…at least without you not dying.

Sure, there are foods that’ll have an effect on your metabolism and other things, but not to such a degree that it’ll amount to anything radical on the scale or in your pants size via you doing that alone.

So what will? Continue reading What Are Some Belly Burning Foods?

How Do I Start Working Out For The First Time?

Q: All I need to know is how to start working out for the first time. See, I’ve been, shall we say, letting myself go. Even that’s putting it lightly since I make Jabba the Hutt look like a figure of health. Do you know how fucking hard that is?!?! It’s fucking ridiculous. I know I need to do better but…ummmmm…how do I start?!?!

A: How to start working out for the first time?

What an utterly stup…endous question!

Well, for starters, I know you shouldn’t start by realizing that you live in the Information Age and can just type something like “how to start working out” into a search box, which will return a shitload of resources on the subject, such as two of my own that tell you how to start exercising when you’re out of shape and how to start an exercise program after being sedentary for years.

That’d be just stupid to hop online and find workout programs and nutrition plans that take the guesswork out of shit for you; videos showing how to perform exercises with proper form; and blog posts on various topics of nutrition so you know what to eat and why and how much.

How to start getting fit certainly isn’t by doing any of that shit!

Know what else it isn’t by doing? Continue reading How Do I Start Working Out For The First Time?