How To Start An Exercise Program After Being Sedentary For Years
So you wanna know how to start an exercise program after being sedentary for years, huh?
Yeah, I can see why.
You’re like most Americans.1And by “most”, I mean virtually ALL Americans in their failure (FAILURE, I tell ya!!!) to live the definition of a healthy lifestyle.
Yup!
You’ve been planted on the couch with your face covered in potato chip dust for months. That is to say that tectonic plates get more movement than you!!!2Do you know how painfully sloooooow those suckers move?!?! But now you want to do something about it and the body you have. And by “do something”, we’re both on the same page of you getting in touch with your inner shallow prick and going to the gym.
But the thing is that you have no idea where to begin, what to do, how to do it, why you should, and when!
And if you do, it’s probably wrong.
So here you are asking me how to get in shape and become much healthier — if you even care about your wellness, which I doubt.
Well, don’t you worry none!
Since I’m on this earth for no other reason than to serve as your fitness guardian angel, what kind of protector would I be if I didn’t lend a hand to properly guide you along your journey and ward you from falling off it?
Because I most certainly can’t have you fail at living up to your vain potential under my watch, I’ve put together a few of the things you can do to start working out, make this fitness thing stick, and see results faster than the Kardashian juju can drain the life force out of a hapless mark.
By the time we’re done, your already insufferable douchiness will be slightly more forgivable because your body’s sooooooooo amazingly hot!!!
Boy oh boy, you should be down on your hands and knees every waking hour thanking the heavens above for me being assigned to you!
ONE
What do you hope to accomplish by eating right and working out?
Maybe it’s just me, but that would be pretty important to figure out in order to plan accordingly. And by plan accordingly, that means selecting the appropriate diet and exercise routine that’s conducive to achieving whatever it is that your little heart desires.
Diet?! Did I say diet?
B-b-but you’re going to the gym! Isn’t that enough?! Won’t the pounds melt right off?!?!
Ummmmm, sure.
Whatever you say, toots!
TWO
Why does tink-tink want to work out and watch what they’re eating?3Yeah, there I go again with that diet nonsense!
Is it to get over your never wanting to leave the house because you don’t like the way you look? Are you tired of your hands being the only human hands touching you at night (wink, wink) because you’re too afraid to put yourself out there and approach your crush? Scared to death at the thought of not living to see your children’s children?4Between you and me, we both know you only want to hang on to see the day that Smokey and Craig reunite for a proper Friday sequel. We can only hope *sigh*
What’s the reason for the change?
It’s much more than simply wanting to shed a few pounds or get swole.
There’s an emotional and/or psychological reason behind the desire to accomplish those things. And you should be able to get in touch with that deep inner reason because once the enthusiasm of your new change wears off a few weeks later, that “WHY” is what’s going to get you up at 4 AM to hit the gym before work or stop you from going TMNT on a box of pizza by your lonesome.5This and #1 are part of effective goal setting, which you should do but won’t because it’s not that glamorous. And if there’s anything you need in your life, it’s more glamor!
THREE
Don’t look to your “WHY” or any other form of motivation for help on a daily basis.
Motivation comes and goes, if the inspiration to do something even comes at all or at the exact moment when you need it. Not only is it fleeting, but motivation can also interfere with you actually reaching your goals.
Rather than relying on moods, feelings, and other emotional or mental states in order to take action, just go ahead and do what it is that you have to do when you have to do it even when you don’t want to. You might be unfamiliar with the word, but that’s called “discipline”.
Truck stop prostitutes servicing some of the land’s finest glory holes suck it up and do what they have to do every day. You can too…unless sucking it up like them is too good for you!6It isn’t. Hey, word about you gets around!
So go to the gym even when you can barely stand up straight from your boss riding your ass all day. Why? Because you’re scheduled to and hitting the gym is what’s required of you to stop your spouse from leaving you for that tight bodied person they follow on Instagram. Yeah, that person who you’ve noticed your spouse has liked and commented on every single picture of. Yeah, all 900 of them!7Tell them I said thanks for their support. It’s appreciated! Oh, and also blow them a kiss for me while relaying the message for me. You’re the best!
Oh, you’re in the dumps and could really do some nasty things to Ms. Fields and Ben & Jerry’s right about now? Well, get a raincheck for that dessert gangbang unless it’s within your macronutrient requirements. Why? Because that’s not what you’re supposed to eat if you want to fit into your old jeans again.
You don’t need a meme, inspirational quote, or picture of someone with a body you probably won’t have in the next two lifetimes to help you stay the course.
All you need is to do.
And then do again.
And again until the shit becomes a habit, when it doesn’t take you having to internally debate yourself first before following through with your intentions.
FOUR
Cardio is overrated.
Too many have had it beaten into their head that cardio is essential for fat loss and creating physiques that rival those of Greek statues. That’s just not true.
Good looking bodies are made in the weight room — NOT running in place on a wheel like the hamster responsible for powering my web host’s servers. If you have an excessive amount of weight to lose, then yeah, cardio should be part of your program. But even then the amount of cardio needed isn’t that much.
Instead, your primary focus should be on building calorie-burning muscle by lifting heavy ass shit.8In addition to controlling your inner glutton and nailing down your diet, of course!
FIVE
Are you pimply faced? Awkward as all hell? Easily susceptible to peer pressure because you don’t have a mind of your own?
Hmmmm…while you’re all those things and more, my guess is that you’re over the age of 17.
Since you’re long out of high school, gone are the days when you could eat almost anything you wanted without the evidence of it staying long after, even with your physical activity limited to trampling all over your parent’s authority. Because those days are never to return like Chris Tucker doing another Friday movie, so too are the days of you getting away with poor eating habits.
Your metabolism just ain’t purring like it used ta!
Not only is this why you’re in the pickle that you’re in, but also why you can’t continue eating like calories don’t exist even though you’re exercising.
This is all to say that a workout regimen doesn’t give you free license to eat crap.
See, the truth of the matter is that while going to the gym is important, it’s not as important as good nutrition. No amount of crunches and steps on the StairMaster can undo you constantly making the wrong food choices and eating in excess. You just can’t burn it all off…unless you have no social life or responsibilities and can afford to work out all day to make up for the additional 4,000 calories from that meal at your favorite chain restaurant. I think your time could be better spent!9Or maybe I have too much faith in your NOT being that much of a loser?
So don’t make the classic mistake of putting all your eggs in the gym-going basket.
That’s not what smart people do.
Smart people take a few eggs out of the gym-going basket and eat them for the energy to power them through their workout. Then they eat the remaining eggs to help the body repair itself and recover enough to be ready for the next workout. No more, no less.
SIX
People want everything NOW!!!
With virtually everything available at the touch of a button, who can really blame them?! Unfortunately, fitness doesn’t work like that, at least not yet. Until that day comes, it’ll serve you best to exercise patience.
What that means is to not make the rookie blunder of starting out aggressively. You know, lifting far too much weight. Performing far too many reps. Working out far too many days and for far too much time. Dropping from maintenance to crisis calories almost overnight. Giving up sweets and other bad food habits cold turkey. Going to the supplement store and making supplement companies even richer by clearing out the shelves.
People start out bright eyed and bushy tailed with the idea that MOAR! MOAR!! MOAR!!! of the gym, food deprivation, and pill popping will produce instant results. But it seldom turns out that way. Instead, their eagerness leaves them with crippling soreness, places them at higher risk of an exercise injury, zaps them of energy, increases the frequency and severity of binges, and brings them closer to pauperism and moving into a cardboard box duplex on the street — all of which can result in discouragement and their throwing in the towel when they don’t see changes to their body as fast as they thought their so-called hard work would deliver them.
Because Rome wasn’t built in a day but sure as hell burned in one, you’re better off taking the baby steps that are going to carry you through to the finish line and beyond. That is, unless you’d rather take giant leaps out the gate and inch towards Quitsville with each passing day that you don’t roll out of bed shredded to the max.
Your call!
Okay. That’s it.
That’s how to start an exercise program after being sedentary for years.
Decades.
Eons.
Need I continue?
Sure, there’s waaayyyyy more shit.
Like knowing the difference between training and exercising, having an actual workout routine, deciding the best time to go to the gym for an effective workout, choosing what gym equipment to use, blah blah blah. And we haven’t even touched on the nutritional side!
A beginner’s knowledge of these things are all important, but with due time.
For right now, for someone like you who’s getting off their couch for the first time in months, nothing more than the basics are needed. Because the object is to have you up and at it, the way to go about that is by arming you with just enough information to begin rather than overloading your brain and causing paralysis by analysis, which leads to continued inactivity.
Basically, the basics help with doing just that.
And people said being basic doesn’t have its benefits!
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