How To Lose Weight Really Fast
I’m losing weight too slow. Boo-hoo!!! Wah wah!!!
– you, you big cry baby
I’m going to help you out by showing you how to lose weight really fast.
Why?
Because you deserve to!
After all, our culture is a culture of now.
Want something to eat? Grab something out the fridge, freezer, or pantry and put it in the nuke box!
Want to connect with friends? Maybe even repair your fractured relationship with your dysfunctional family? They’re only a text, email, or messenger app away!
Arguing with someone over something trivial and need proof that you’re right and the other person is a blithering idiot? Type your shit in a search query and get the information that you need to rub the idiot’s face in it!
Want the latest sports scores to know if your bookie’s going to have to break your legs or not because you bet waaaaaay over your head? Finding out who won or lost is only a cursor or remote control click away!
Need some good ol’ lovin’ from the person you’re having casual sex with who thinks the two of you are in a relationship and does nice things for you, which you don’t turn down because you’re a user? Reach in your pocket for that Star Trek communicator known as a mobile phone and your booty call will show up at your door within 10 minutes!
In the mood for some strange?1Fuck, it’s not like you’re in a committed relationship or anything. Your partner certainly doesn’t act like they are! But that’s just what I’ve heard… All you have to do is hop on Tinder…or casually slide in someone’s DMs all smooth and real player like with an eggplant pic!2By an eggplant pic, I mean a dick pic. And take me at my word that it works every time, fellas!
Still want something to eat? Order food from a local restaurant and have a service like Uber Eats deliver it right to your doorstep!
Everything we want can be had right at the snap of our fingers.
*snap*
So if you want to lose fat because you apparently eat so fucking much? Maaaaaaaan, you should expect to see results as soon as you step out of the gym. Or pop a handful of supplements. Or drink a glass of water and eat something that didn’t come out of a box for the first time in your life.
Right?
Results from diet and exercise should be no different, right?
Right!
So that’s why I’m going to show you how to lose weight really fast, because there should be immediate results!
…and that’s the motherfucking problem in a nutshell.
The visible signs of change from following a weight training program, cardio routine, or nutrition plan don’t occur with the snap of a finger.3Circumference measurements, scale readings, the way clothes fit, and how you look in progress photos are a few of the ways you can observe change. But thanks to this microwave society we’re living in, people sure think they do and should. So when people see that the fat isn’t melting off as fast as they would like it to, they start bitching and moaning about it.
Then comes total frustration.
Then comes them eventually changing course, if not throwing in the towel.
Why is this?
Why are you sooooooo impatient all of a sudden when it took you how long to not only put the weight on that you’re crying about but to also do nothing about it?
Why are you sooooooo impatient now but were patient as fuck as your body morphed into the gelatinous mess worthy of having it feature in its own Jell-O commercial alongside Bill Cosby?
If you were patient as all that transpired, then you have ZERO right being impatient as you try to get the excess pounds off!
Matter of fact, isn’t instant gratification what got you to where you currently are in the first place, with you choosing to satisfy the immediate wants of your taste buds rather than the long-term needs of your health and well-being?4That’s a rhetorical question. Of course instant gratification is what brought you to where you are today!
Atkins. Zone. Paleo. Keto. IIFYM. South Beach. Raw food. Carnivore. Mediterranean.
All of those science-based diets work.
Additionally, any protocol works. It doesn’t matter if it’s linear or calorie cycling. It doesn’t matter if you eat throughout the day or practice intermittent fasting. It doesn’t matter if you meet your calorie requirements with two meals or a hundred.
Virtually every approach works, so long as it has scientific underpinnings.5The same can be said of weight training and cardio programs. None is more miraculous than the other.
So the problem isn’t the diet, with you hopping from one to the other in hopes of finding one that works or quitting your weight loss effort altogether. The problem is one of time and you not giving your chosen diet the necessary amount of it to do its not so special magic.
And that’s the secret to this shit: patience and the discipline to trust the process.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…you’ve heard that before.
Blah blah blah.
There has to be something else to it!!!, you say.
It just can’t be that simple!, you say.
Well, it is.
Losing weight doesn’t happen overnight but is instead a long-term undertaking, much like your gaining of the weight you want to lose didn’t suddenly happen when you woke up one day.
So want to know how to lose weight really fast?
It’s to get the idea of losing weight fast out of your fucking head!
Listen when I tell you that there’s no more to it than having patience and following a proven program to the letter.
As long as you keep believing otherwise, that there’s a shortcut, a button to push, an easier way, you’ll keep falling for bullshit 30-day challenges. And garbage weight loss pills. And flat tummy teas. And waist slimming belts and creams. Regardless what the quick fix is, it’s just a one-way ticket to NEVER getting anywhere in your fitness journey.
But hey, who the fuck am I to tell you what to believe?!
Shhhhhiiiiiitttt, I’m not about to sit here and tell you that Santa isn’t real, Michael Jordan is overrated, your partner isn’t satisfied with the sex, and the universe doesn’t revolve around you.
Nope, not me!
Glossary: diet, discipline, exercise, fitness, gym, journey, patience, results, supplements