Category: ETC.

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Not Relatable

Not Relatable

You should track and weigh your food, but instead you’re like the millions of people who don’t and grossly underestimate how many calories they’re eating and still believe they’re not eating that much though they keep getting fatter and fatter.

Because you’re like that, this funny ha-ha shit about the 36 struggles of using MyFitnessPal more than likely won’t be funny ha-ha to you and will more than likely only be funny ha-ha to someone who uses MyFitnessPal (or any other food tracking app) because they give a fuck about their body, which isn’t you.

Oh, well…

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Monster Longe
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The One-Armed Man

The One-Armed Man

One of my clients is learning how to do pullups. As part of her progression, she now performs assisted pullups with me holding her feet behind her, which is followed by a few sets of eccentric pullups. Anyway, today she had the bright idea to challenge me to do a pullup, a subtle way of questioning my coaching.

That’s when I did pullups, but not just one pullup like she asked me for.

Nah, I did multiple reps of them.

Oh, and here’s another tidbit:

THEY WERE ONE-ARMED!!!

Trust me, I do all the shit that I have you people doing.

I just do it better.

*smiley face with sunglassess emoji*

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Monster Longe
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Save The Children

Save The Children

A lot of you have children.

I don’t know how the fuck that happened, but yeah.

Well, I do know how it happened. A penis was inserted into a vagina and released sperm-filled ejaculate after only a few seconds of thrusting, with one male reproductive cell fusing with the ova of the very disappointed female to form an embryo.

Yeah, I know how kids are created.

What I’m saying is I don’t know who the fuck allowed you have intercourse with them to create one, let alone do it again to create more!

Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a childhood obesity epidemic.

So because you have children and obesity is an issue that will more than likely affect them (if it doesn’t already), this video might be of interest to you.

But if you’re fattening them up to sell to some Brothers Grimm witch, then fuck the video and do your thing.

Times are hard, so I understand!

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Monster Longe
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Job Description

Job Description

Can’t make your training sessions? Do your cardio? Weigh and track your food? Or anything else you’re supposed to do that gives the impression of you caring?

Well, what the fuck does that have to do with me?!

Shiiiiiiittttt, I don’t care about your goals.

I repeat, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOALS!!!

Why?

Because it’s not my fucking job to.

That’s yours.

All I’m hired to do is provide you with the tools to reach your destination. Whether you make use of them is up to you, motherfucker!

Note: This can all change if you upgrade your coaching service to one that includes the feature of me caring more about your goals than you do, but please be aware that such an add-on is expensive as fuck!!!

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Monster Longe
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B-B-But I Eat Healthy!!!

B-B-But I Eat Healthy!!!

Eating “healthy” to most of you means ordering pineapple on your pizza or drinking diet soda with your super-sized fast food meal.

But let’s assume that eating “healthy” actually means eating healthy, like salads, muesli, and other blah shit.

Well, eating “healthy” doesn’t mean shit if you’re taking in more calories than you should be, which isn’t something that automatically becomes impossible to do just because you’re eating a diet of boring food I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.

So stop being fat and telling me that you don’t know how you are when you eat healthy!!!

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Monster Longe
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