Healthy Diet Tips

Syrup of ipecac. Urine injections (hCG). Tapeworm pills. Adderall. Tube feeding. Starvation.

Before you do that crazy and stupid thing you’re about to do, let me inform you that weight loss doesn’t have to be as dangerous as you’re about to make it.

Nope, not with these healthy diet tips!

PRACTICE MODERATION

To lose weight, all you have to do is move around more.

Sounds like sage advice, huh?

Well, while it’s true, it’s not exactly true.

Yes, you’ve been lied to!¹

The truth is that you can do all the exercise you want, but you won’t see the results you’re after if your mouth is nothing more than a trash compactor.

You don’t necessarily have to dump tacos, ice cream, ice cream tacos, and all that other crap in favor of blah “diet food” because carbs are evil and fat is bad.²

Nope!

You can still have tacos, ice cream, ice cream tacos, and all that other crap. You just have to watch how much of that crap you’re eating so it agrees with your daily caloric needs and macronutrient requirements.

I believe it’s called “moderation”.

…but if food moderation isn’t your thing because you just can’t do that willpower shit and control yourself, then yeah, eliminate a food or whole food group.³

DRINK WATER

I’m sure you know the importance of water in the diet.

But let’s pretend that you don’t for the sake of me insulting your intelligence!

*ahem*

My poor ignorant friend who doesn’t know how important water is and who I now have to enlighten, it should be known that water helps speed up the metabolism. Not only does it have fat-burning powers, but water also makes you feel fuller. So if you have desires of overeating, it can totally ruin your pig-out by stopping you from stuffing your face with even more crap.

EAT PROTEIN

Want to lose some flab?

Then you’re wasting your time if you’re not pairing exercise with a calorie-restrictive diet.

That roll isn’t going anywhere if you’re taking in more calories than you’re burning, no matter how many half-assed burpees you do.

But not everyone has the self-government to eat less.

Some people absolutely refuse to exercise even a little moderation.

If you fall into that group, the one thing you should do then is eat protein.

Lots and lots of it.

It turns out that you’ll experience a reduction in body fat rather than seeing an increase in fat mass when eating above the recommended daily intake of protein.

Yes, lose fat despite continuing the gluttony by taking in a shitload of excess calories!

Why?

Look at you, being inquisitive and shit!

The exact reason is unknown, but it’s speculated that it has to do with protein having a higher thermic effect (TEF) than carbs and fat, simply meaning your body burns more calories digesting protein than it does those other macronutrients, thus boosting the metabolic rate.

So yeah, you can’t be bothered with cutting down your amount of food? You know, doing something that shows that you give a semblance of a solitary fuck?

Then at least eat protein.

Lots and lots of it.⁴

EAT FIBER

How much fiber are you getting in your diet?

If you’re like most people in developed societies (and you bloody are), you’re not getting much.

You should change that.

Pronto!

Why?

Because fibrous foods are bulky so you get full faster. In addition, the feeling of satiety lasts longer after a meal because fiber helps slow the absorption of glucose by the body. And not that you care, but from a health standpoint, fiber also lowers the risk of heart complications.

Fiber sure does sound like a big deal, huh?!?!

So much of a big deal that I bet you’re eager to find out how much of it you should be consuming!

Well, if you’re a woman, your daily fiber intake should be 21-25 grams per day. The daily recommendation for men is 30-38 grams. Yeah, that’s a hell of a lot more fiber than the measly 15 grams you currently get, making me right when I guessed that your fiber intake was going to be on par with the average person’s.

What can I say for myself, other than I knew that because you’re as average as average comes?

Well, in full disclosure, there’s the teeny-tiny fact that I’m psychic and stuff!

SUBTRACT ADDED SUGARS

Sugar by itself isn’t bad for you.

But added sugar is.

And added sugar is in almost EVERYTHING!!!

Why eating too much sugar is a problem is because we can only store but so much sugar as glycogen before it’s converted into fat. On top of that, sugar spikes the hormone insulin and leads to high blood sugar levels. When blood sugar is elevated over a prolonged period of time, the body becomes resistant to insulin, which allows for sugar to much more easily get stored as fat instead of getting absorbed for use as immediate energy.

So if too much sugar is bad because it has the potential to contribute to weight gain, then sugar-free alternatives like sucralose, aspartame, and saccharin should allow you to satisfy your sweet tooth without worrying about that shit.

Right?

That might be the case if we lived in a logical universe.

The problem is that this clearly isn’t a logical universe.

Proof?

Ummmmmm, a reality TV star was voted into the highest office in the land!

That’s enough politics!

Moving along, it appears that zero- to low-calorie sugar substitutes help with the opposite of weight loss.⁵

¡Ay, Dios mío!

How can this be?!

The reason isn’t known why there’s a link between artificial sweeteners and an increased risk for weight gain, in addition to diabetes and heart disease.

That certainly doesn’t mean that there aren’t any fucking theories, though!

The most popular theory has to do with artificial sweeteners being a hundred to a thousand times sweeter than sucrose, or natural sugar. For instance, Neotame is about 13,000 times sweeter than real sugar. Given the extreme sweetness, it’s theorized that eating or drinking products containing sugar substitutes activates the taste buds and makes you crave sweeter items, with you then falling into temptation and exceeding your daily calories.

Whatever the case, weight management isn’t as simple as just switching one product for another and then calling it a wrap.

Nope!

It’s about making a *gasp* lifestyle change *gasp*

REDUCE SODIUM

All that eating out you’re doing is fucking you up in a major way.⁶

That’s why you should cook your own food.

That way you can control how much sodium you’re consuming, as well as fat and sugar.

Yeah, all the good stuff that makes food enjoyable!

Well, it doesn’t have to be like that.

For instance, rather than grabbing the salt shaker and going all Ying Yang Twins by shaking it like…ummmmm…a salt shaker, you can season your food with herbs and spices and other flavor enhancers like lemon peel and citrus juice.

That’s one easy way to reduce sodium while making food pleasurable.

Now, say thanks.

Thanks for what?

Thanks for saving your ass from high blood pressure and increased risk of stroke, heart failure, osteoporosis, stomach cancer, and kidney disease.

That’s what, you fucking ingrate!

DON’T FILL UP ON EMPTY CALORIES

When you hear the term “empty calories”, what comes to mind?

Are you thinking of food with calories that don’t do anything to you because the calories have little to no effect because the calories are…ummmmmmm…empty?

Boy, are you in for a world of disappointment!

Empty calories are known as such because while they do provide the body with energy like calories do, they provide the body with little else nutritionally.

Examples of items with empty calories are pizza, chips, cake, cookies, candy, soda, and ice cream.

Yeah, all the goodies you’ve heard to steer clear of or enjoy in moderation but you still make a habit of inhaling like Kirby, which is why you’re as round as that video game character.

See, empty calorie foods contain added fat and sugar, making them foods high in calories.

Also, added fat and sugar has the effect of making you crave more fat and sugar. And because these foods are lacking in nutrients such as fiber that help with satiety, you’re more likely to succumb to the food industry’s dastardly plan of eating even more junk food to satisfy your cravings.

Lastly, the saturated fat and refined sugar that’s pumped into processed food can impair mitochondrial function and spike insulin.

Know what that means, right?

Yeah, a fucked up metabolism!

All three of these knocks against empty calorie foods result in fat gain and difficulty losing weight, which you can avoid by simply not inhaling food like Kirby.

READ FOOD LABELS

The secret weapon to weight management?

Take a guess.

Nope, it’s certainly not that!

TRY AGAIN!!!

Nah, that’s not it either!

You know what, screw it.

The secret weapon to weight management is…

Literacy.

Yup, you read that right…assuming you know how to read, of course.

How can reading help you trim down from beached whale status or save you from even getting there?

Hmmmmm…

Well, let’s see…

The nutrition facts panel provides information on the amount of calories, fat, carbs, protein, and other nutrients in a particular product. That’s info you can use to portion out your meals so they align with your calorie needs and macronutrient requirements.

Also, because you’re less likely to eat bad food if you don’t have bad food in your house, you should read food labels to…ummmmm…read the calories, sodium, fat, and sugar content of the shit you want to buy so you can figure out if it should be placed into your shopping cart or remain on the shelf.⁷

WEIGH YOUR FOOD

What good is reading food labels to find out the exact serving size if you can’t accurately portion out the correct serving size?

That’s why you need to measure your food.

Oh, but you already do with measuring cups or spoons?

Well, in that case, I stand corrected at the thought of you needing advice!

N-O-T!!!

By saying that you use measuring cups or spoons, what you mean to say is that you don’t accurately portion out your food.

Those instruments are wholly inaccurate, seeing as to how people have a tendency to overfill them, which results in them eating way more calories than they actually think they’re eating, thus slowing down or completely eliminating their weight loss progress.

It’s for this reason that you should weigh your food with a kitchen scale.

A digital one, to be accurate.

Now, I should tell you to turn the scale on before trying to use it and make sure to press the TARE button so the plate, bowl, container that you’ll be placing the food item on for measurement isn’t factored into the weight, but I’m not trying to weigh you down with minutia, let alone insult your intelligence.

Nope!

All I’ll say is that when I say that you should weigh your food, I mean that you should weigh E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G that you plan on putting into your mouth, from solids to fluids.

TRACK YOUR FOOD

Thinking of going keto because carbs are bad?

Or maybe even going on the cabbage soup diet?

Mmmmmm, yummy!!!

Well, before you reduce yourself to supping cabbage soup for sustenance, you don’t have to give up certain foods or entire food groups to become a less fatter version of yourself.⁸

Nope!

Just eat what you like in moderation and keep a food journal.

Tracking keeps you accountable, and studies show that people who keep a food journal are more successful at losing weight than those who don’t.

Why?

Probably because you can see what sources of food your calories are coming from and it helps you accurately portion out your meals.

Most importantly, tracking provides a visual record of what you’re putting inside your mouth so you can see what a mess you are when you eat your emotions and a small village!

But tracking only works if you do it.

EAT FROM SMALL PLATES

Remember that bullshit I’ve said countless times about eating in moderation?

Of course you don’t, but just say you do!

Okay, now that we’ve established that you have a wonderful memory (and are also a liar), what if I told you that one of the best ways to stop eating like an asshole is to do this thing called “portion control”.

This involves reading food labels to know the serving size, weighing out your food as you eat it, and prepping meals and snacks in advance with the right amounts.

Too busy for any of that jazz?

Then just eat your food from smaller plates.

In what’s known as the Delboeuf Illusion, the amount of white space around identical objects can cause us to perceive a difference in their size.

What the Delboeuf Illusion has to do with anything is that eating from larger plates makes you place more food on the plate or go back for more because your brain thinks that the portion isn’t enough, as opposed to your brain thinking the exact same portion is large enough when placed on a smaller dish.

So yeah, stop eating from plates the size of manhole covers!⁹

SLOW DOWN

Taking the time to chew your food rather than inhaling it can reduce the amount of calories that you eat in a meal.

Is it because chewing your food more thoroughly turns the food into tinier and tinier pieces with less and less calories?

Ummmmmm…no!

When you eat, hunger hormones send signals to the brain to tell it when you’re full. Eating slowly buys the brain time to receive those signals, a process that takes about 20 minutes.

DON’T SKIP MEALS

There are people who avoid eating on purpose, like the goody two-shoes at your office who thinks the way up the ladder is to bury their head in their paperwork rather than break with everybody else for an hour-long lunch.¹⁰ Others may avoid eating in order to bank calories for a later feast or to make up for overdoing it at a prior sitting. Some people just don’t have food available or the time. And then there are people who simply forget to eat.¹¹

Whatever the case, skipping meals is no bueno if you’re trying to make your body less unappealing than it currently is.

Nope, not because skipping meals slows down your metabolism, as you’ve probably heard.

Sorry, but it’s two-thousand and something.

Step into the 21st century, why don’t ya!

The new science says that skipping meals has no impact on your ability to burn calories. That, however, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have an impact on weight control.

See, when you skip meals you’re more likely to make up for those lost calories by overeating at a later sitting and consuming foods high in fat and sugar.

The reason for this is quite simple: your blood sugar plummets if you go without food for an extended period of time, resulting in you not only feeling hungry but also craving the packaged and processed deliciousness that you know is bad for you.

So DON’T SKIP MEALS!!!

Eat up, you!

DO MORE THAN EAT “HEALTHY”

You’re not losing weight, but you’re eating healthy.

Nah, you don’t weigh your food or track your calories in a food journal.

All you do is eat healthy.

You eat “healthy”, huh?

What the fuck does that even mean?!

You do know that there are fat vegans, right?

So you eating “healthy” doesn’t mean shit.

Why?

Because you can eat organic, gluten-free shit all you like and still gain weight if you consume more calories than you expend.

It’s simple physiology!

That’s why it’s about food quantity as much as it is about food quality.

So listen to me when I tell you to get a scale and notebook (or app), motherfucker!!!

DON’T FAKE IT

Avoid pretend “health” foods.

Pretend “health” foods?

Items like French fries and Oreos fall into the vegan category, automatically making them “healthy” foods to some people by virtue of their not being animal-based. That’s not what’s meant by pretend “health” foods here. Instead, what’s meant are foods that read: low fat, fat free, low calorie, and reduced fat. Foods labeled with that and other healthy sounding shit are fugazi!

Wait, why are they fake?!?!

Simple!

Many of the twice expensive foods with these labels on their packaging have substitutions in them that make them worse alternatives than the regular version. For example, fat provides texture and flavor. To compensate for the lost taste and feel, manufacturers often add sugar and other ingredients, a replacement that results in the item with less fat containing even more sugar and calories than the unhealthy item it’s supposed to be an improvement of. But hey, at least it has less fat, right?!

BE BORING

There are good reasons why you should eat a boring diet.

And by “boring”, I’m not talking about eating boring diet food, like oatmeal, asparagus, and dry chicken breast!

I know, mouth watering!

Instead, a boring diet refers more to eating the same shit all the time, regardless of what it is.

There are good reasons why your diet should be boring in that sense.

Why, to match your personality?

Good guess, but no!

People who eat the same shit every day eat less calories and lose more weight than people with more varied diets.

Other than eating the same shit every day stopping you from having to think about what to eat and possibly making a poor decision, the explanation why a boring diet is better than a varied one is quite simple.

It has to do with this thing called habituation, or the more you’re exposed to something the less of a kick you get out of it.

It’s thanks to habituation that you find someone’s story funny the first few times you hear it but you get closer and closer to choking them every time they tell you the same story whenever they see you and you have to sit through it pretending that you’ve never heard it before…because the person is your boss and you desperately need a job. Oh yeah, and because you can’t afford another felony!

How does this relate to food?

Truthfully, I don’t know what your criminal record has to do with it.

Oh, duh!!!

You meant what does habituation have to do with food!!!

My, that’s embarrassing!

Well, we know that weight gain and loss is a matter of calories in and calories out, irrespective of food quality. That’s to say that you can eat all the healthy food you want but you’ll gain weight if you consume more total calories than you should. It also means that you can eat all the junk food you want and lose weight if you consume less total calories than you should.

So let’s suppose that you take a flexible dieting approach to your weight loss, giving you license to eat whatever your little heart desires as long as all the calories add up to satisfy your total requirement for the day.

Now, what habituation says is that if you eat a slice of pizza for lunch EVERY…SINGLE…DAY, then your desire to overeat pizza diminishes, which is in contrast to opening the door for a binge by eating pizza less frequently.

So yeah, keep your diet boring!

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t mix things up, though!

It’s in your best interest to occasionally get some adventure in your life.

By cheating on your spouse?

Ummmmm…while that is indeed an option, I’m more inclined to suggest that 80 percent of your diet should consist of you eating the exact same shit day in and day out, with you being adventurous and living a little the other 20 percent of the time.

That way you can avoid nutrient deficiencies that can occur as a result of eating the same shit every day, especially if you’re pushing flexible dieting to its limits by chowing down on nothing but Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.

GO EASY ON THE BOOZE

Not only do you have to watch what you eat, but you have to watch what you drink as well.

And that’s not only with soda, juices, and other beverages with shitloads of sugar!

No!!!

That also includes alcohol!

Yes, A-L-C-O-H-O-L!!!

It’s not that alcohol itself is fattening. In fact, alcohol doesn’t get stored in the body as adipose. What it does is slow down fat burning, as the body diverts resources from that to instead metabolize and rid itself of acetate, what alcohol is converted into.

Oh, and alcohol — especially when you drink as much of it as you do, you fucking alkie — not only boosts appetite and makes you hungrier but it also has the effect of loosening inhibitions so some stranger’s genitalia isn’t the only thing you’ll be stuffing your face with at the bar, club, wedding reception, wherever.¹²

Alcohol weakens the ability to resist temptation so much that it ranks ahead of TV watching and sleep deprivation when it comes to increased food intake and its encouragement.

This is all to say that if you’re trying to lose weight, then drinking alcohol on a diet might not be the smartest thing to do because it kinda gets in the way of the whole eating less thing.¹³ That, however, doesn’t mean that you should become a teetotaler. All it means is that you have to account for alcohol like you have to account for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G else that goes inside your mouth and down your throat.

And how do you account for it?

With these drinking tips!

CATCH SOME ZZZs

There’s always a motherfucker who weighs and tracks every morsel they put into their mouth but spends time at the gym on their phone giving their fingers more of a workout than their muscles or who busts their ass in the gym and has nothing but vodka coursing through their circulatory system every weekend.

But what of those who train hard and eat right?

Well, they’re still fucking up!

Most people — millions of ’em! — don’t get enough sleep.

And sleep is one of the biggest pieces of the weight loss puzzle.

With sleep, the proper amount of rest helps secrete natural growth hormone, a fat burner and essential building block of muscle. Sleep also plays a role in the body’s use of insulin, a hormone responsible for the storage of fat.

When you have adequate rest, thus prompting high insulin sensitivity, fat storage is prevented from occurring thanks to fat cells removing fatty acids and lipids from the bloodstream.

When you become sleep deprived and insulin sensitivity drops — making you insulin resistant — fats circulate in the blood more freely and are ultimately stored in and around the abdominal organs. In addition, the body loses the ability to regulate insulin production. So with you pumping out insulin and fat being stored in all the wrong places, such as tissues like your liver, you become (or stay) overweight and develop Type II diabetes.

Lack of sleep can also negatively influence hunger controlling hormones like leptin and ghrelin. Sleep deprivation causes less production of leptin, which makes your stomach feel empty. Conversely, lack of sleep raises ghrelin, which gives you the feeling of hunger. An upsurge of ghrelin also impacts your metabolism by reducing your calorie burning ability. It additionally increases your susceptibility to store fat.

What all of this means is that when the normal production of the hunger hormones goes awry, sound decision-making gets compromised and the chances of you straying from your diet and consuming more calories are heightened. Either you’ll overeat because you feel less satisfied after a meal or eat foods that you know you shouldn’t eat but scarf down anyway because of the hunger pangs.

So unless you don’t want to slim down, then don’t make sleep a priority. Instead, keep you beta ass up all night to prolong having to face your problems because you’d rather have them eat away at you in your head for a couple of hours than confront them sooner via the fast-forward button known as sleep.

Have trouble falling asleep?

Then this article about how to get to sleep might, I don’t know, help you get to sleep!

Those are more than enough healthy diet tips to help you lose weight without doing that crazy and stupid thing you were about to do.

Were they enough to stop you?

Or do you still plan on going through with what you wanted to do?

Ooooooooh, I see someone prefers living dangerously!

After all, with big risk comes big reward.

In this case though, you’ll possibly ruin your long-term health for temporary weight loss, if any at all.

But hey, if that’s the risk you’re willing to take for that type of reward, then all the power to ya!

Glossary: adipose, calories, diet, dietary fat, exercise, fat, gym, hormones, metabolism, moderation, muscle, priority, results, work out, workout

Healthy Diet Tips

PRACTICE MODERATION

DRINK WATER

EAT PROTEIN

EAT FIBER

SUBTRACT ADDED SUGARS

REDUCE SODIUM

DON’T FILL UP ON EMPTY CALORIES

READ FOOD LABELS

WEIGH YOUR FOOD

TRACK YOUR FOOD

EAT FROM SMALL PLATES

SLOW DOWN

DON’T SKIP MEALS

DO MORE THAN EAT “HEALTHY”

DON’T FAKE IT

BE BORING

GO EASY ON THE BOOZE

CATCH SOME ZZZs

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