Eating Healthy During Christmas: Step-By-Step
Are you a heathen who’s doomed to burn in hellfire for not believing in Christ because you’re Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, or some other religion that has you worthy of eternal damnation?
Huh, ARE YOU?!?!
Because you’re not a heathen but someone who had the accident of birth of being born into the one true religion, you’re a Christian. And as a Christian to whom Jesus’ birthday has significance for, you probably want to know how to not fuck up your diet during Christmas.
Because the greatest gift is knowledge (and I don’t know you well enough to wanna splurge any money on you), take these step-by-step instructions for eating healthy during Christmas as my gift to you…
ONE
Grab a plate and cup.
TWO
Fill that plate and cup with all the fruitcake, green bean casserole, Jello salad, Tofurky, and eggnog you’ve been waiting all year for.
THREE
Eat and drink the yum-yums on that plate or in that cup as a relative says something very, very racist at the table, with awkward silence falling upon the scene for a second before everyone pretends not to have heard the comment so they don’t have to do the morally responsible thing and call the person out on their bullshit.
FOUR
Don’t worry about what you just ate or drank because the whole myth about gaining 10 lbs between Thanksgiving and Christmas isn’t true, as kinda indicated by my use of the word “myth”.
FIVE
Help yourself to as many helpings of fruitcake, green bean casserole, Jello salad, Tofurky, eggnog, and many other Christmas yum-yums you know you can’t get enough of and don’t want to wait until next year for.
SIX
Go ahead and eat those helpings without giving a fuck because the average weight gain during the holidays is only one…measly…solitary…pound.
SEVEN
Continue enjoying Christmas food with the understanding that you need to get back on track the next day because while one pound isn’t dramatic, it adds up if you do nothing about it, like most people not named you do.
Because you already have enough stress dealing with your dysfunctional family, there’s no need to compound it by worrying about what you’re going to eat.
But if, for some strange reason, you actually want to give a fuck about your nutrition like Christmas were any other day, then you might possibly need more help than this, like perhaps some holiday eating tips. If, for some strange reason, that’s the case, then click the hypertext link!!!
