Any Advice On How To Get Bigger Glutes?
Q: Damn, Monster, you’re draggin’ a wagon! Me, not so much. I’m flatter back there than the Earth is! Wait, what?! The planet is round?!?! Ha!!! Whatever your brainwashed head says! Anyway, do you mind telling me how to get bigger glutes so I can one day have an ass as big as yours?
A: How can you make your crap-box bigger if you weren’t naturally blessed with a big crapper? That’s easy! You have several options:
1) You could travel back in time and get more butt-whuppin’s as a kid, which would help build up scar tissue in the area and give it more padding. Oh, time travel hasn’t been invented yet?! See, that’s one of your problems. Yeah, you focus on little shit!
2) If not time travel, you could go to some back alley “doctor” and get bathroom caulk injected into your cheeks. Sure, you’ll look stupid as fuck with your big, Frankenstein-bolted ass sitting atop small, skinny legs. But whatevs!
3) If not time travel or butt injections, you could just buy a wardrobe full of leggings, butt-lifting jeans, padded underwear, and various other shapewear that not only increase the risk of disappointment but also civil suits alleging false advertisement when the guys at the bars you frequent for casual sex encounters take you home and finally see you naked.
4) If none of the above, you could act like the glutes are a muscle and then eat a caloric surplus and do a buttload of exercise movements to make it grow like any other muscle. You know, consume at least 300 to 500 calories above your maintenance level of calories and at least 0.8 grams of protein times your body weight. And, you know, perform exercises like squats, deadlifts, hip thrusts, and lunges with moderate to heavy loads instead of only doing that fancy workout with booty bands for infinite reps that your favorite Instagram fitfluencer with a big, Frankenstein-bolted ass sitting atop small, skinny legs is trying to convince you that she does and is how she got her glutes so freakishly big.
Choose carefully!
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