The Muscle Hustle & Bustle
This week’s entry is a guest post. I know, I know…you’re heartbroken because reading shit written by me is the highlight of your measly existence. Dry your eye, kiddo! No need to wallow, because I’ve left blog duties in the more than capable hands — or at least I think I have — of Andrew DaCosta.1Who the hell is Andrew DaCosta?!?! Why, he’s a scientist currently living in New Jersey (I think he owed some Russian mobsters a shitload of money, so he fled New York and moved there. I’m not sure of the exact story, but it has to be something like that. I mean, why else would someone live in that godforsaken state?). When not sciencing, he’s on stage as an NPC competitor. Yup, he enjoys spending his free time strutting his stuff half-naked and oiled up in front of an audience full of guys. Oh, he also knows how to polka like nobody’s business and happens to be one of my earliest training partners. Some (definitely not me) would even go out of their way to say he’s a good friend. SO THAT’S WHO THE FUCK ANDREW DACOSTA IS!!!
Someone stopped me in the gym yesterday and asked me if I’m getting ready for a show, then asked me how many weeks it takes to get ready for one.
I assume that most people would probably say, “Well, prep is typically 12 weeks; so about 2 to 3 months.”
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Bodybuilding doesn’t stop.
E…V…E…R.
If you’re not cutting, you’re building.
If you’re not eating 100 grams of carbs for the day, you’re gorging on them.
If you’re not spending 2 to 3 hours running on fumes with the treadmill waiting for you, you’re barely able to lift your legs up to take steps after working them until they’re about to fall off.
Then after all of that, you take off the gym uniform and put on your chef’s uniform.
Oh, you thought the job was done? Nah, buddy!
Now it’s sloughing veggies, baking chicken, stirring rice, baking potatoes — cooking like a cafeteria cook for enough food to last you 3 days.
That’s what makes this sport so tough. The commitment. Day in, day out, almost all day. If you’re not performing your day-to-day, 8-hour job, you’re working at your other job: bodybuilding.
So after a pause, I started answering the question with: Well, bodybuilding prep never stops, but…
Hey, Monster here. I know, you’re glad I’m back. No need to tell me.
Know what else you don’t need to tell me? Yup, that’s what you’re thinking.
I know what’s going through your head is why the bleepity bleep would I have a fucking bodybuilder write about bodybuilding when “bodybuilders” aren’t my ideal clients, show prep isn’t one of the services provided by me, and the world of competition isn’t a subject that’s delved into here?
Probably because the application of the term “bodybuilder” is not strictly limited to the categorization of once scrawny children who are now juiced meatheads who prance around on stage in banana hammocks for a $5 trophy in a desperate attempt to validate themselves and heal from years of being bullied as kids.
Nope!
A “bodybuilder” is someone who sculpts the human body, with weightlifting and a proper diet as their primary tools. That means “bodybuilding” is the act of changing the physique, which can be anything from you trying to drop a few pounds so you can fit back into your old college fuck me jeans to you getting bigger biceps so you’re strong enough to open up that goddamn pickle jar instead of having to hand it over in shame to your wife for her to do.
That’s a bodybuilder. And regardless if you’re stepping on stage or not, the training and nutrition that’s required to reach your bodybuilding goal is an unrelenting grind that takes up all hours of the day.
It’s a full-time job.
If you want success, understanding that bodybuilding extends well beyond the friendly confines of the gym is something that you better come to grips with sooner rather than later.
P.S. If you’re unable to find common ground with Andrew because you think he’s an idiot, don’t bitch and moan to me about his falling well short of resembling an intelligent human being. In case you forgot, I’m all about positive energy! Take your beef up with him directly. You can let him know how much of a moron he is on Facebook or Instagram — like I do every chance I get. Don’t be intimidated because he looks the way he does. Let me tell you a little secret: He’s really a pussy.
P.P.S. Don’t have anything nasty to say to him? Then just follow him because you feel like being a good person and shit. Hey, you can do whatever you want with your life…but after exposure to his Napoleon complex and his newfound college pride now that Jim Harbaugh is the coach of Michigan football, I bet you’ll start seeing things my way.
