Cinco de Mayo is fast approaching at the time of this writing. On that day you’ve been looking forward to all year to celebrate a Mexican culture you’re xenophobic about any other time of the year, you’ll don your sombrero and poncho and chug down glass after glass of tequila and beer like any self-respecting Mexican stereotype should.
As we know, the effects of alcohol on weight aren’t that great, especially when drinking large amounts of it like you and your gringo brahs plan on drinking and is why the fictive holiday is one of the most profitable outside of Christmas for liquor companies. To offset things though, at least you’ll be munching on an even larger amount of tortilla chips, a very healthy Mexican delicacy.1FUN FACT: Tortilla chips were invented in Los Angeles, making them as authentic as I am when I tell people I care about them!
noun [klam·shelz]
an exercise for the gluteus medius that’s generally performed when the people in the gym are predominantly male and involves a woman obviously not noticing this as she lies on her side and opens and closes her legs to expose her clam while having a look of disgust on her face because of all the unwanted attention that’s clearly catching her off guard. see also: THIRST TRAP
That’s right, the trope involving the legs of cartoon characters spinning when they’re running!!!
Well, you better look like that when you see any workout program that’s advertised as fun or easy.
Sometimes the person hawking the fun and easy workout looks like garbage, which begs the question of how great the program is if they’re what the end product looks like. More often than not though, the person doing the pitching is in the kind of shape you’re envious of, something that you think is a result of the program that they sure as fuck don’t use and isn’t why they have the body you want.
Yeah, you better run far, far away!
Working out doesn’t have to be a life-and-death struggle to be effective but it isn’t supposed to be comfortable, which is what you want and makes you gullible enough to fall for all the bullshit you fall for.
Monster Longe is a personal trainer and online coach in San Diego. He's helped hundreds of people lose weight, build muscle, and become more attractive to their loved one so they don't have as strong of a desire to cheat on them anymore. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys making fun of Drake and people who like the guy.
When someone lets you borrow money, you should return it with the same speed it was given to you.
This applies in other areas of life, too.
Like what?
Ummmmmmm…like not taking your sweet time in returning pieces of exercise equipment that you’re not using but your coach would like to use, items that your coach loaned you because he found out right as quarantine was about to happen that you didn’t have that much shit at home so he lent you his so you could continue working out while the gyms were closed, which meant that he wasn’t going to be able to work out during that time!!!
Yes, that coach is me!
And yes, I’m not only virtue signalling by announcing what I did when there’s no need to publicize my act of charity but I’m also, most importantly, showing why being charitable sucks!
Monster Longe is a personal trainer and online coach in San Diego. He's helped hundreds of people lose weight, build muscle, and become more attractive to their loved one so they don't have as strong of a desire to cheat on them anymore. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys making fun of Drake and people who like the guy.
A number of weeks ago I got into a tiff with someone who was of the belief that “eating ANYTHING at midnight is not healthy”, which was written as a comment to an image posted by someone that featured healthy midnight snacks, some of which included low fat cottage cheese and eggs.
The young woman I was at loggerheads with was of the opinion that the body magically stops metabolizing calories the same way it has earlier in the day once the clock strikes a certain time and anything eaten past that time is automatically stored as fat.
That was news to me because I had yet to see that in the scientific literature, so I pressed her for the proof to support her claims. She refused to provide any, only suggesting that I “ask any nutritionist or doctor”. In other words, it was my job to do her job of finding the evidence to substantiate the claim she made. When something like that happens in an argument, folks, that’s a clear red flag that the person doesn’t have the hard proof and is operating on anecdotal, not empirical, data, which renders their argument moot.
And a truly moot argument hers was because research shows the opposite of what she contends, as there’s no issue with eating late at night from a metabolic standpoint. A calorie is a calorie at midnight the same way it’s a calorie at noon. The reason you may not want to eat so late has to do with digestion and possible discomfort, which is a matter of personal tolerance and thus throws out the need for a blanket rule against it.
So why am I telling you this?
Because I was wrong.
It seldom happens, but when it does I’m not afraid to own up to it.
Now, as I was getting ready to print out our exchange to eventually have it professionally framed so I can add it to my collection because I’m just that petty, I saw something on my phone that proved her right.
A new study hot off the presses flies in the face of accepted thinking that what leads to weight gain is eating beyond your daily calories, not what time of day you eat, as the study finds that eating before bed delays fat burning.
Sure, there were only six participants involved in the study and no one in their right mind would consider that a large enough sample size to extrapolate on the entire population. And sure, all of the participants were aged 50 years or above, making them individuals with already slowed down metabolisms. And sure, the six 50-plus year old participants also belong to a group at risk for metabolic conditions, something that makes the sample less representative of the population at large.
While all of that is true and I appreciate you trying to make excuses for me, I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong, as is clearly the case here!
Monster Longe is a personal trainer and online coach in San Diego. He's helped hundreds of people lose weight, build muscle, and become more attractive to their loved one so they don't have as strong of a desire to cheat on them anymore. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys making fun of Drake and people who like the guy.
