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Posted on April 19, 2020December 1, 2025 by Monster Longe

How Often Should You Eat Out?

Q: I love eating out. LOVE IT!!! I’m down to do it frequently with my girlfriends throughout the week and can’t possibly understand the people who think it’s something to save only for special occasions. But maybe I’m wrong here. So how often should you eat out? Should I stop going to restaurants and other places as much? Wait, what did you think I was talking about?!?! Ewwwwwwww, you’re gross!!! I’m strictly dickly, buddy! Continue reading How Often Should You Eat Out?

Posted on April 18, 2020May 7, 2020 by Monster Longe

It’s This, Not That

If you haven’t worked out in the past few weeks of quarantine and are now crying in stupid posts about the shitload of weight you’ve gained, the problem isn’t your inability to work out, which is what you’re blaming.

So what’s the problem then?

Hmmmmm…

Let’s see if we can work it out!

Before your gym closed a few weeks ago, you weren’t gaining weight because whatever amount of calories you were eating weren’t over the amount needed to support your body’s normal processes and those needs imposed by regular exercise. And in the weeks since your gym has closed, you’ve continued to eat the same number of calories that you were eating when you were working out regularly, if not more. Does all of that describe you?

If that’s true (it fucking is!!!), then hear me out…

For reasons that I can’t get into here, just know that exercise doesn’t play as big of a role in weight management as people think it does. Instead, the largest determinant factor in weight control is what you put inside your motherfucking mouth. More specifically, it’s the quantity of what you put inside your motherfucking mouth that has the greatest impact on your weight.

With that said, the weight gain you’re now crying in stupid posts about has zero to do with you not being able to work out and everything to do with you not having the brainpower to reduce your calories in line with an activity level reflective of your sloth-like existence once one week, two weeks, THREE FUCKING WEEKS of total inactivity elapsed!!!

Yeah, I think that’s the problem!

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Monster Longe

Monster Longe is a personal trainer and online coach in San Diego. He's helped hundreds of people lose weight, build muscle, and become more attractive to their loved one so they don't have as strong of a desire to cheat on them anymore. When not working with clients or making content that's easy to read, understand, and apply to everyday life, he enjoys making fun of Drake and people who like the guy.

Hey, Look At Me! I’m A Fraud!

There’s someone on IG who runs a big fitness account and describes himself as “hyperbolic AF” and sells something called the Hyperbolic Playbook, a nutritional plan espousing bullshit that he claims is capable of producing otherworldly results.

However, this person apparently doesn’t have a dictionary or the sense to know that “hyperbolic” is the adjective form of hyperbole. As such, someone or something that is hyperbolic is greatly exaggerated. In other words, that someone or something is a sham and NOT the step above anabolism, as is supposed by use of “hyperbolic”.

More than likely unbeknownst to this person, he’s telling people exactly who he is and what his products are: a sham. And more than likely unbeknownst to the people who believe his spiel and then throw some dollars his way, the fact their results will fall short of living up to the claims is staring them right in the face.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, language!!!

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Monster Longe

COVID-19

noun [koh·vid·nahyn·teen]
a mild to severe respiratory illness that reached global pandemic heights and forced the closure of gyms and other public places to help stop its spread, which finally gave home gym owners an “I told you so” moment for all the times they’ve annoyed anyone about the benefits of working out with no one to show off to, like that’s not the point of fucking working out. see also: PURPOSE

MORE WORDS

Posted on April 14, 2020February 19, 2025 by Monster Longe

This Is How To Hoard

When it became more evident that coronavirus was going to impact daily life, people made a mad dash for the grocery store to stock up on essentials just in case shit hit the fan.

Speaking to that, someone posted a meme on IG stating something to the effect of canned food and hand sanitizer being out of stock at every grocery store but fresh fruit, vegetables, and herbs remaining virtually untouched, with that serving as proof that people don’t have any idea how the immune system works.

When I scrolled through my feed and saw that, I kindly left a comment asking which one has a longer shelf life and reduces the frequency of someone having to leave their home to procure goods, something that lowers the likelihood of exposure to the contagion. To show I was in real deep thought about what the answer was, I ended the question with a thinking emoji.

The person who posted the meme didn’t answer, of course.

Anyway, I’m sure you know that canned produce lasts longer than the fresh variety.

…but that’s not the only reason why the argument is stupid.

Contrary to what many people think, the nutrient content of canned produce is comparable to that of the fresh variety. In fact, in some cases, canned fruits and veggies actually contain more vitamins and minerals than their fresh counterparts because of the preservation process that occurs immediately upon harvesting. On account of this, apart from some canned produce just offering greater nutrient values, those nutrients may also be more bioavailable (i.e. can be absorbed and made use of by the body).

So, ummmmm, yeah.

Most of the stupid argument is stupid either way.¹

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