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Jump Rope

Jump Rope written in text with image of a plastic jump rope against a flat background.

Jump Rope

Jump Rope written in text with image of a plastic jump rope against a flat background.

Don’t want to do cardio on a machine?1After all, there are only but so many miles you can say “FML” to yourself before prematurely stopping your cardio session to blow your brains out.

Or maybe you want to do cardio between sets to keep your heart rate elevated so you burn more calories for fat loss?2Yeah, you can actually do that instead of playing on your phone until your next set! Running in place, burpees, and other light aerobic activity between sets not only helps burn more calories but active rest has also been shown to increase exercise performance and help build more muscle.

Jumping rope answers both, as it’s not as boring as traditional cardio and you can perform it anywhere.3While jump roping can indeed be done anywhere, it must be done especially in a packed gym right in front of the dumbbell rack so people have to wait to get their weights for fear of getting whipped in the face. Either that, or smack dab in the middle of a walkway so people have to take the circuitous path around you for fear of getting whipped in the face. By no means should you jump rope in an area of the gym where there’s enough space for that shit!!! But not only does jump roping have excitement and convenience going for it, it’s also the most efficient form of cardio on the planet. Just by simply jumping over a piece of rope for a relatively short amount of time, you can get a workout that recruits all the muscles in the body, burns a shitload of calories, builds bone density, and improves your motor skills, balance, and coordination. As an added benefit, a jump rope can double as a garrote to creep up on someone from behind and then choke them out so you can easily discard them from the machine they were camped out twiddling their thumbs on. Oh, and jump roping is also low impact on the joints! Continue reading Jump Rope

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Bench Press

bench press

noun [bench pres]
overrated chest exercise that doesn’t need a spotter but always involves one because every guy does it with waaaaaayyyyyyyy too much weight because they secretly love getting teabagged.

Example of Bench Press in a Sentence
It’s another Monday and, as you can see, every barbell bench press station here is occupied. That being so, do you mind if I work in with you? Sure, I could just wait patiently, go elsewhere and do another exercise, or do the unthinkable and switch my training schedule so I hit chest on a day when everyone on the planet isn’t doing chest, but I’d much rather impose myself on you. Now, before you tell me to go fuck myself like you definitely should, remember this is the barbell bench press. So yeah, even though I have nowhere near the same strength levels as you, I’m absolutely going to use the same weight you’re using. That means me working in with you won’t be an inconvenience because of the added work of loading and unloading weight every set. Nah, it’ll only be an inconvenience because of my added presence. Oh, it’s still go fuck myself?! Well then, I bid you good day, sir!

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