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Movie Time

Movie Time

Are you interested in learning how to lose weight but you haven’t read any of my articles that detail some of the things you need to do because you’re more of a “I don’t give a fuck about reading” type of learner, which isn’t really true because the truth is that you’re just lazy?

If that’s the case, then boy do I have something for you with the feature presentation below.

So turn down the lights.

Grab some popcorn.

Cozy up to your loved one.

Oh, don’t forget to set the mood by also inviting your friends over.

Yeah, the friends with a young child so you can have the full movie-going experience of muttering under your breath at the dickhead couple inconsiderate enough to bring a baby to a motherfucking theater.

Enjoy!

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Monster Longe
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*Toot Toot*

*Toot Toot*

Not to toot my own horn…

*toot toot*

…but I can honestly say that I have one of the bodies that dreams are made of. If you follow my account on Instagram or know me in real life, then you know what I’m saying is true.

I’ve been at this for what will soon be 22 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

TWENTY-FUCKING-TWO!!!

So what theeeeeeee fuck makes you (yeah, YOU!!!) think that you’re going to have the body of YOUR (or anyone else’s) dreams in a few short weeks or months?!

What theeeeeeee fuck is wrong with you?!?!

Click THIS LINK and read the article.*

Then read it again.

And again.

And again.

Read it until you can recite the entire piece verbatim.

That’s how important its contents are to your success, you delusional, impatient motherfucker!

*The author is damn right he’s not a professional. The correct figure is 1-2 lbs. Anything more, and you’re losing muscle. The morbidly obese can be more aggressive though, at least in the beginning.

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Monster Longe
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How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams

How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams written in text with cartoon image of an overweight woman with a thought bubble containing a slim figure.

How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams

How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams written in text with cartoon image of an overweight woman with a thought bubble containing a slim figure.

Why you’re reading this escapes me.

Maybe you were lured in by the snazzy title.

So I guess this is the part where I’m expected to actually deliver on the headline’s promise, that of telling you how to get the body of your dreams.

¡Aye carumba!

What on earth have I gotten myself into?!

Hmmm…what to write?

What to write?!

Welp, since I have the body of a young Adonis, brilliance of Einstein, and the all-important charm of Josef Stalin, I reckon that it only makes sense for you to have been magnetically drawn to me so that I can provide you with pearls of wisdom so you too can someday have a dream body of your own — which, unfortunately for you, will still pale in comparison to mine.

So here goes nuffin’… Continue reading How To Get The Body Of Your Dreams

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Abdominals

abdominals

noun [ab·dom·uh·nls]
1. the muscle group between the chest and the pelvis that is the fave muscle group in the whole wide world of dudes without muscle. see also: YOU

Example of abdominals in a Sentence
With all the new divisions in the NPC and other bodybuilding federations keep coming up with as a money grab so more people can pay the entry fees to compete in their shows under the guise of inclusivity, you’d be a shoo-in to dominate the stick figure division with those abdominals of yours!

 

2. the body part most people eat too much to see then act dumbfounded when they can’t see them. see also: DUH

Example of abdominals in a Sentence
*sob*For the life of me, I can’t bloody figure out why my abdominals still aren’t showing despite my not doing a damn thing to change my eating habits*sob*

 

3. the muscles making up the midsection that assist in breathing, protect the organs, and support the spine while lifting so it makes it just a wee bit harder for you to snap your shit in half with your unbelievably crappy deadlift form. see also: HORROR SHOW

Example of abdominals in a Sentence
Not like you’re even capable of going super heavy or anything because you’re kinda weak but if you could, that’d be the only time you’d really need to use a weightlifting belt because your abdominals already do the job of what the belt is for and constant use of it only makes you weaker than you already are by robbing your body of the chance to become stronger.

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