Reasons To Start Cursing (During Your Workout)

As a child, your mother probably told you not to swear.

Being the obedient child you were, you listened to her, which is why your vocabulary is limited, as research has found that people with foul mouths have more extensive vocabularies.¹A large vocabulary is a common marker of intelligence, so you fill in the blanks on what I’m getting at here!

Oh, and you listening to your parents is also why you have a low pain tolerance, as researchers have found that people who swear while holding their hands in ice water can last for double the time they can when asked to say neutral, or non-offensive, words.

Oh, and listening to your parents is also why you’re as weak as you embarrassingly are, as researchers have found that swearing while working out increases power and strength, none of which you have.²In two experiments, one group of participants were asked to pedal a stationary bike and another group to complete an isometric hand-grip test. Those who swore increased peak power by 24 watts on the ergometer and grip strength by 2.4 kg compared to the Catholic nuns who did the same activities without swearing.

Why does swearing have such a profound effect on pain, power, and strength? Continue reading Reasons To Start Cursing (During Your Workout)

Healthy Halloween Tips

It’s almost Halloween.

Yup, time to start getting real imaginative with your costume!

So what are you going as?

Sexy witch? Sexy nurse? Sexy police officer? Sexy [insert some other respectable profession]?

Yeah, with Halloween being the one time of the year that you can dress like a total slut and there being so many respectable professions that you can dress up as the sexified version of, your options are virtually limitless.¹Okay, maybe Halloween isn’t the only time you’re allowed to dress like a whore because, after all, you dress like one in the gym EVERY…SINGLE…DAY…OF…THE…YEAR!

Egads, the agita you must be under!

But besides pushing the boundaries of human imagination with your costume selection, there’s something else to worry about on Halloween.

That’s the candy, folks!

All that sweet, sweet candy!!!

So how are you to survive the holiday?

With these healthy Halloween tips, of course! Continue reading Healthy Halloween Tips

Why Pizza Is So Good

Do you love pizza?¹I know, it’s a dumb question. But please bear along with me as I proceed to ask even more dumb ones.

Do you love pizza so much that you might possibly be the long-lost fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?²Why the look on your face? What part of me having even more dumb questions to ask didn’t you understand?!?!

Do you love pizza enough to do some sketchy shit for it in a dark alley?³I mean, even sketchier than the shit you already do!

Those are all rhetorical questions because of course you love pizza!

Well, considering that 13 percent of Americans eat pizza on any given day and 350 slices are eaten every second, you’re not alone in your affinity for Italy’s only contribution to mankind other than Machiavelli and the subject matter for mob flicks. Fuck, others love the stuff, too!

So wanna know why you and everyone else loves the za so much?

That’s another rhetorical question because of course you wanna know why you love the za so much! Continue reading Why Pizza Is So Good

The Health Effects Of Eating Out

If the herpes sore above your lip is any indication, you already know one of the health effects of eating out. But given that you’re gaining weight and can’t seem to place your chubby little finger on where the pounds are coming from, it appears that you don’t know another.

Right?

Well, if you’re anything like the average American adult, you eat out a lot.¹Unlike in the opening, I’m using “eat out” here to mean the consumption of food away from home — NOT in regard to your oral sex habits! That’s for starters. Secondly, you’re included as an “average American adult” despite your protestations that you’re not as average as you are. Last of all, I use the term “adult” here very loosely because your behavior is by no means indicative of one!

When I say that you eat out a lot, I mean as often as 4 to 5 times a week. Yeah, you can’t stand the taste of your own cooking that much!²We can more than likely blame most of your inability to find your way around the kitchen on the elimination of home economics classes in many school districts across the country as a result of budget cuts. The rest of the blame? It can go to your parents not liking you enough to want to hang out with you more than necessary to teach you shit.

While not having to eat your own cooking is good, what’s bad is that restaurant food is generally higher in calories, saturated fat, sugar, and sodium than home cooked food. That goes for the grub at chichi spots as much as at fast food joints. Compounding the poor nutritional content are the portion sizes, which are often worlds apart from the recommended serving size.

Still can’t see the problem with you going to such great lengths to avoid your own cooking, none of which I can blame you for?

Okay, let’s try this…

Eating just one meal away from home each week increases daily intake by about 134 calories and comes out to a weight gain of two extra pounds per year. Now you do the math if you eat out more frequently!

That, my friend, explains the mystery of your weight gain!!!

Now, I understand how important your appearance is so all you care about is what I told you about restaurant food fucking that up for you, but eating out has actual health effects. Continue reading The Health Effects Of Eating Out

Healthy Fourth Of July Tips

So you want to have a healthy Fourth of July, huh?

Ummmmmm, you do know the Fourth of July is a holiday, right?!

And you know that calories don’t count on holidays, right?!?!¹Neither do they count at night, on weekends, vacations, birthdays, and countless other occasions.

Knowing those two things, I don’t know why you would want to have a healthy Independence Day! Continue reading Healthy Fourth Of July Tips