How To Lose Belly Fat

Belly fat is excess fat around the abdominal organs.¹Considering that the abdominal organs are in the belly, this is probably why some genius came up with “belly fat” as a name for it. Not only is having too much fat in the midsection unsightly but it’s also unhealthy. For example, if you’re a man with a waist above 40 inches, then that places you at high risk of unbelievably fun stuff like heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and cancer.²Because some people think a woman’s health is just as important as a man’s, it’s probably expected that I include that women whose waist is above 35 inches are at high risk of the same fun stuff. Alas, I’m far too much of a misogynist to include that information!

As we can see, belly fat poses a danger.

So, ummmm, how do you lose the stuff?

By doing crunches? Planking?! Strapping on a vibrating belt you have no idea why is mixed up in your collection of vibrating objects you were rummaging through to use on your significant other because you’re not doing a good enough job of satisfying them on your own because excess belly fat is also linked to erectile dysfunction?!?!

Well, here’s what you can do… Continue reading How To Lose Belly Fat

Eat Dessert And Still Lose Weight

Need to lose weight, huh?¹Psst…that’s a rhetorical question. Because I have two fully functioning eyes, of course you need to lose weight!!!

That probably means you’re on a diet and have cut out all sweet shit because you think there are “good” foods and “bad” foods that make you fat, with dessert items falling into the “bad” category.

Ha, look at you already doing dumb shit! Continue reading Eat Dessert And Still Lose Weight

How To: Banded Pallof Press

Crunches and the multitude of variations are great for chiseled abs, especially when used in conjunction with a calorie deficit to strip the midsection of fat so what’s underneath can be rubbed in everyone’s face. Be that as it may, crunches and the multitude of variations aren’t so great for the development of a strong and stable core.⁣
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This is where the Pallof press enters.⁣
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Named after physical therapist John Pallof, who came up with the exercise in 2006, the Pallof press works the muscles responsible for trunk rotation via the active resistance of the rotational pull of the band (or cable, if a pulley system is being used for the exercise) when you extend your arms away from your body during execution of the movement. This anti-rotation engages the entire core musculature and in time leads to stabilization of the spine, which in turn results in a stronger core.⁣
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Being that twisting and turning mishaps are a common cause of back injury, it makes sense to train your muscles to resist unwanted rotation. And because a strong core is necessary for the lifting of heavier and heavier loads, it also makes sense to work on core stabilization if you want to improve your squat, deadlift, or any of your other poverty lifts.⁣
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But if it doesn’t make sense to you to do the Pallof press, I don’t blame you. After all, how many chicks are going to be impressed when you walk up to them, lift your shirt up, and point to your stable core?!?!⁣
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The answer is NONE!!!
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Now reverse that.

When you walk up to chicks, lift your shirt up, and point to your chiseled abs like a true player does, how many of them are going to be impressed?⁣
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The answer is ALL OF ‘EM!!! Continue reading How To: Banded Pallof Press

The Toothpaste Method For Stopping Cravings

So once again you’re home from work, just chilling around the house and maybe watching TV instead of, I don’t know, making better use of your time by, I don’t know, doing the necessary work to start your own business because, I don’t know, your job and the pay sucks major elephantine dick.

…and then hunger strikes!

But you’ve already eaten your last meal for the day and you’re kinda trying to watch what you eat because you’re kinda trying to lose weight and not eating more than you should is kinda how weight loss works.¹Yes, really! Eating less food is how you lose weight. I know, fucking mind blowing!

So, ummmmm, what are you to do? Continue reading The Toothpaste Method For Stopping Cravings

The Ocean Analogy For Fat Loss

If it takes you 6 hours to swim 10 miles into the ocean, how long is it going to take to swim back to shore?¹You can’t swim and if you could, you wouldn’t spend 6 hours of your life doing so. While you certainly raise a good point, just play along instead of being a fucking killjoy!

Oooooh, good job!

If swimming into the ocean took hours, you’re absolutely right that swimming back to shore isn’t going to take only a few minutes.

So what’s the fucking point? Continue reading The Ocean Analogy For Fat Loss