Q: I’ve been following you on social media for a while and would love for you to be my personal trainer. But unfortunately, you probably live far, far away from me and no advances in technology have been made that make it possible for you to get me into shape here while you’re all the way over there, wherever there is. Drats! So instead, how do I hire a trainer near me who I don’t know as much about? Continue reading How Do You Hire A Personal Trainer?
noun [lifting belt]
1. a flexible band of material that’s commonly worn to protect the back but, contrary to popular belief, does no such thing, thus making it very similar to government, which also doesn’t have our proverbial back though many would like to believe so. see also: DER STAAT (1908)
2. usually made of a wide band of thick leather that’s fastened around the waist by a huge ass buckle; should only be worn for heavy squats and deadlifts but is instead worn at all times and for every exercise because who the fuck doesn’t want to look that stylish?!?! see also: PILGRIM
Eating yourself out of house and home right now during quarantine is a terrible idea because it’s only hastening the use of toilet paper, which, based on the people who’re hoarding it, will never be produced again because all those involved in its manufacture are going to perish in this pandemic and take the secret of how to make it to the grave with them.
Oh, and eating everything in sight is also a terrible idea because it’s a poor use of time!
With you stuck in the house all day and no bars, restaurants, clubs, or other places to go where food and drink is aplenty, now is the perfect time to get a handle on your eating to develop the routine and habits needed to stay on track when normal life resumes and you have to deal with the daily mixture of food and social interaction, which accounts for most people’s weight gain, as well as diet noncompliance when they resolve to do something about the weight they have no idea — NO IDEA!!! — how they put on.
The Cheesecake Factory told its landlords that it can’t pay rent at any of its 300 locations due to “extraordinary events”, like the coronavirus pandemic forcing them to close their storefronts while everyone stays at home.
That might possibly mean eviction and the end of the chain, which would be disastrous not only for the workers but also, most importantly, for you because where else are you going to eat from every day and then pretend like you don’t know where the weight is coming from?
If this isn’t a reason to order something from them for curbside pickup in support of a local small business during these trying times, then I don’t know what is!
noun [leg·ingz]
1. close-fitting stretch pants worn by women to accentuate the booty to help make their presence in the weight room a little more tolerable to the real people who belong there *cough* men *cough* who’d prefer they did their bullshit booty band workout somewhere the fuck else — like at home, where women belong. see also: SCRIPTURE
2. pants that you wear the same exact pair of every single workout without washing because you think they somehow don’t get dirty and need frequent laundering like any other item of clothing. see also: EWWWWW
3. usually marketed with a promise of making the butt look bigger without having to work out for it, which the buying and wearing of makes sense because none of the randos you hook up with are ever going to see you naked with the lights on because there’s the issue with your face and nobody wanting to see it, hence you always get fucked in the dark. see also: BAMBOOZLE
