Open up your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever social media app you use.
I’ll put money up that one of the first posts that pops up on your timeline is a fitness pic or vid with an accompanying struggle caption of barely literate jibberish.
How do I know what’s flooding your timeline?
Because that’s what’s flooding everybody’s timeline!
And why is it flooding everybody’s timeline?
Because everybody is a whore! Continue reading Social Media Likes
It’s April.
If you live in the Western Hemisphere, especially above the equator, warm weather is fast approaching.
Once upon a long, long time ago, that meant that you were about to be screwed if you didn’t begin the work to get beach ready a few months before.
That’s not the case anymore, though.
Nope!
If you start now, you might have a summer body for the winter, which might actually come in handy with the way climate change is going and it not getting as cold in places that should be cold during the cold season.
Look at global warming buying you more time.
And they say that shit has no positive effects!
HA!!!
noun [wurk·out]
a period of physical exercise — or, better yet, doing the half-assed things that you do with the audacity to think that you’re actually doing something. see also: PLAYTIME
All those things you hope to do?
Yeah, like exercise more.
And eat healthier.
And be a better parent/partner/son/daughter/friend/human being.
And start putting money away instead of spending it on blow and hookers.
And go back to school to get a degree so you can make your daily bread in a way that’s more fulfilling than masturbating on a webcam in front of strangers for tokens.
Yeah, that stuff!
Know what I have to say? Continue reading So Disappointed
noun [dahy·it]
1. that thing you’re going to start tomorrow. see also: PINOCCHIO
verb [dahy·it]
2. to eat small amounts or particular kinds of food in order to lose weight so you can go right back to eating more of the foods and amounts that helped you gain the weight you soooooo desperately wanted to lose. see also: GENIUS
3. to repetitively announce to everyone that you’re eating certain foods and avoiding others and not shutting the fuck up about it, usually when watching others enjoy themselves eating foods you used to enjoy as you have to sit there eating something much more boring. see also: ASSHOLE
