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Tone

tone

noun [tohn]
1. a word that laypeople and so-called “fitness professionals” are still using in the context of muscle appearing firm and clearly defined when its proper use is in relation to the involuntary tension maintained in skeletal tissue at rest in anticipation of the muscle’s use. see also: MIGRAINE

verb [tohn]
2. to make a body part possess muscular definition without the person in pursuit of muscular definition having to utter that what they’re fucking after is “muscle”, a much reviled word. see also: SELF-DECEIT

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The Muscle Hustle & Bustle

The Muscle Hustle & Bustle

This week’s entry is a guest post. I know, I know…you’re heartbroken because reading shit written by me is the highlight of your measly existence. Dry your eye, kiddo! No need to wallow, because I’ve left blog duties in the more than capable hands — or at least I think I have — of Andrew DaCosta.1Who the hell is Andrew DaCosta?!?! Why, he’s a scientist currently living in New Jersey (I think he owed some Russian mobsters a shitload of money, so he fled New York and moved there. I’m not sure of the exact story, but it has to be something like that. I mean, why else would someone live in that godforsaken state?). When not sciencing, he’s on stage as an NPC competitor. Yup, he enjoys spending his free time strutting his stuff half-naked and oiled up in front of an audience full of guys. Oh, he also knows how to polka like nobody’s business and happens to be one of my earliest training partners. Some (definitely not me) would even go out of their way to say he’s a good friend. SO THAT’S WHO THE FUCK ANDREW DACOSTA IS!!!

Someone stopped me in the gym yesterday and asked me if I’m getting ready for a show, then asked me how many weeks it takes to get ready for one.

I assume that most people would probably say, “Well, prep is typically 12 weeks; so about 2 to 3 months.”

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Bodybuilding doesn’t stop.

E…V…E…R. Continue reading The Muscle Hustle & Bustle

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Stupid Human Tricks

Stupid Human Tricks

With the advent of camera phones and social media networks for you to share every single thing you capture, gone are simpler times.

Yes, gone are the days of having to actually step foot inside a gym to see people doing stupid shit.

Thanks to modern technology, I can now log onto Instagram, for example, and get my fix of people doing stupid shit from the comfort of my home.

And boy oh boy are people doing a bunch of stupid shit!

But for the sake of time, I’m going to limit myself to only talking about stupid exercises, how people perform fancy exercise movements that have absolutely zero substance.

…and I’m not talking about dumbbell kickbacks either!

With that said, it’s put people on blast time!!! Continue reading Stupid Human Tricks

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Personal Trainer

personal trainer

noun [pur·suh·nl trey·ner]
1. a person who just began their fitness journey and already has the years of experience under their belt to advise others in the ways of exercise and nutrition for a nominal fee, of course. see also: CHARLATAN

2. a person who’s paid to provide exercise instructions but spends most of the time with their head bent down looking at their phone. see also: THIEF

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